[Bluebutterfly2267]

So, here goes.
The torment...raging anger and frustration spewing out at the ones i cherish most. Then even within minutes, incredible embarrasment, shame and enormous regret when the realization settles into my mind that once AGAIN i've totally blown it and made an *** of myself. Overcome with remorse and no way to go back in time - and this time - catch myself before the rage erupts. Feeling pathetic and so genuinly sorry, falling over myself apologizing to my loved ones, hoping they will understand one more time; knowing i'm pushing them away a little at a time. Being left, and then my temorary false ego false flares up in anger and rage "why does everyone leave me? I showered them with love and support, but once again i'm alone! Its unfair!" of course then comes the opposite: "i'm a bad person, i don't deserve love, everyone is more interesting and lovable than me, i'm ugly, i hate myself, etc.".

My question is:

Howcan anyone possibly move forward, grow and feel some true joy in their life while constantly battling the emotional and mental internal torture described above?

Its like one step forward, 3 steps back...every single day, after day, after day.

Seriously, please, if you can offer any insight/feedback/ or even true understanding...

Don't hesitate. Please.

Thank you.

[IowaFarmGal]

Hello Bluebutterfly. It's hard to know what to say because I'm just starting to learn about coping and I don't know how it's going to work. The very first thing they taught us was distancing. If you're angry remove yourself from your loved ones. If it was a bomb you'd get it away from the people you love. Remove yourself when you're going to explode before the words come out of your mouth. Go walk and vent away from them or go journal what you're feeling. Can you identify what's sets you off? What are you telling yourself about it that stirs the rage? Make a plan ahead of time how to handle the situation. Do something to soothe yourself whatever that might be for you. Walking or a bath or watching a funny movie, read a book, have a snack(I don't like that one, I do it too much)deep breathing, challenging the thought thats feeding in. Whatever will work for you. Figure out a safe place to go and calm down and make sure ahead of time they know to leave you alone while you're doing it. They gave us little cards to cue ourselves and a binder with what we're learning. They suggested someone to cue us that we can call if we can't do it ourselves, to walk us through what we need to do until we can walk ourselves through it. We're learning what our particular distortions are and how to challenge those thoughts. I don't know if this helps any. I'm just learning myself.

I focus without, not into myself as much as I can when I have control of my thoughts, that, especially is on my kids and what I have to and can do for them. The more I can do this, even in my bouts with emotional storms that come and go, I find that it remains in the back of my mind... I can't lose it completely. I just can't. They have no where to turn if I wasn't there for them. It means a lot to have someone to lean on you, it really makes you step up, even without thinking. As far as I know most BPD are truly empathetic and compassionate. But we get all caught up in ourselves that it doesn't always show.. I say if you can, as much as you can amplify that good trait in you...

I don't know if I'm making sense or helping so ...

Have some popcorn and feel better

~S4

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Ani has been helping me with this.

He has been telling me all week, "Carol, tell yourself you are okay. Over and over and over again. You have to. You have to start somewhere."

Because when I don't feel okay, I can't deal with others and their behavior, seemingly cruel and unfeeling gets to me again.

I have to keep arming myself with self-acceptance, even if I don't think I have it.

I know it hurts.

And the anger this hurt makes can feel pretty intense and hopeless.

I don't like how I act either.

Carol

[greentires4me]

"we all have thorns" popped into my head from a song. We all have moments of sheer agonizing unrelenting emotions that send us for a tail spin.

I just do it each and every day I don't know how I do it I just get up and walk out that door. I come back and I don't want to leave I don't want to go anywhere I wanna hide under the covers. Why is everyone looking at me for answer...I just do not because I want to because I have to. Now to go back to hiding under those covers...

I can't offer you any advice about what to do as I am in the same boat. I do this exact same thing and am dealing with a friend who is at his wit's end regarding it. He's not threatening to leave, he's just telling me I need a different outlet for anger than him (which is, of course, true). So the only thing I have to offer you is understanding; I totally get it.

[greyclouds]

I can't offer any advice either I wish I could, I feel exactly the same..

One step forward 5 steps back.

Just as you start to question, maybe the diagnoses was wrong! Bam like a ton of bricks hits you and you wonder if you will ever get better.

((Hugs)) for you

Hey blue,

I completely understand what you're saying and what you're going through. This was me. 'Sorry' became meaningless and my fear of abandonment and rejection was self-perpetuating. My actions to deter those from abandoning me, caused them to do just thus. My outbursts didn't bring people closer to me, they pushed them away...

I like what s4nd had to say about living outside of self during these times...Look without and abandon the ego. My personal mentor always tells me that my feelings are none of my business, and you know what, she's right. If I separate myself from my illness and can discern between what is realistic and what is my illness talking, I am one step ahead. If I stop thinking I'm in charge of my feelings I can gain a passive stance on them and become more tolerant of them.

This is where DBT Mindfulness comes in...Imagine we are at the ocean and we're in our bare feet standing near the tide line and the waves are coming in...every time the water gets near us we back up (out of fear). The waves are our emotions and we're over-involved with them watching how close they will get to us. Mindfulness suggests that we DONT backup...we LET GO, we get our feet wet, we stop watching how close the water gets to our feet and we focus on the horizon, the sunset, we feel the cold of the water on our legs, we let the feelings buoy and move us. It is the fear of our emotions that helps to make them so intense. "what we resists persists"

I learned in DBT that it is not the primary emotion which is damaging (mostly) it is the secondary. By secondary I mean how we react to a feeling. For instance if I am anxious and fearful I may react with ANGER, the anger is the secondary emotion and far more damaging than naming my fears and riding the wave.

Mindfulness points out that we do not have to resist feeling. DBT also gives us strategies to use when we get an overwhelming feeling and don't know how to deal. These strategies help us when we feel that primary emotion, the strategies allow us to be proactive instead of reactive. (Sorry if that sounds hokey lol). Here is what I do, as I can only share my own experiences.

FIRST thing to do: ALWAYS LEAVE. Say 'let's talk about this later when I can think better.' 'Hey I need to think about this a bit, so let's make a time to talk about this.'

Distract: The MOMENT you feel something overwhelming that could turn to anger, remorse, resentment etc. you do something. Doesn't have to me special or particularly productive either...just distracting. Watch a movie, clean your house, walk your dog, make bead bracelets, take a hot bath. DBT suggests we use the acronym ACCEPTS, read about it here:
ACCEPTS

Relax: DBT then suggests we do something to relax and to soothe ourselves. A lot of what we do is because we do not know how to do a few things: self-validate and self-soothe. (It's not our fault, we had glitches in development). But these new skills will help to teach us at least how to soothe and comfort ourselves during emotional turmoil. Read about it all here:
Self-Sooth

I write lists for healthy distractions and self-soothing, pull out the lists when things get overwhelming, it has been effective in deterring clashes with others. People in my close personal life feel I am becoming healthier as I learn stress skills that "healthy, normal" people have.

I also view every emotion as an opportunity to practice my skills...It sounds rough, but there's no way around it. We have emotions and we have to learn to live with them. If I feel SO overwhelmed that distracting doesn't seem possible I will work simply on lowering my physiological stress (self-soothing techniques work wonders for this)...For instance, I will drink some chamomille tea, get in a hot bath, hug my pillow, do deep breathing, light a candle, pray/meditate...ALWAYS remember that this too shall pass. Recovery is possible