[AngelWolf3]

So this is basically just a ramble. If you read, cool, if not, no harm done.

I am starting online classes tomorrow. Very excited, however, I am SO afraid I am going to eff this up too. Half of me is wondering why the heck I even signed up, I don't have the money (could apply for student loans, but don't want to end up swimming in debt)...I don't have the discipline really for online courses...I don't know. I want to do it but I don't.

I hate myself one second, and the next, not so much. I am pretty much a ball of anxious anger just bouncing off the walls right now like a flippin pinball game.

Self-harmed more this weekend. No marks were left, but I am so pathetic I did it while my kids were in the other room. Really? Who in the HECK does that?!? (Apparently me). So I feel like a disgusting no-good person.

But then I question myself. I never really felt so awful as I do while in Therapy. So am I making up my issues or do I really have a problem, and I was just able to ignore it while I was not in Therapy, bringing up all this old CRAP that just won't go away...

I am so totally going to regret posting this stupid ramble. But I am going to leave it up. So yeah. That's it for now.

I don't have any words of wisdom really. But you're allowed to ramble; it's not stupid. That's what we're here for. I hope you feel a little better just for posting this.

[greyclouds]

Aww Hun ((hugs))

You are most def not an awful person, you are a great mum.

So you hurt yourself.. We all have, you didn't let the kids see.

I'm so sorry you was in so much pain. You could of pm or emailed me.

As for the course go for it. What do you have to lose... Don't put so much pressure on yourself to complete it tho. Great if you do and will be celebrating with you, but if you don't then you can try another.

((Hug)) thinking of you

You're allowed to ramble...it helps you sort out your feelings and it's not a biggie. We've all done it.

You should be proud of yourself for taking the step to go back to school. The anxiety should abate once you actually start, and we'll support you as much as we can. Hang in there!!

You're not disgusting, or awful.

Not one of us is a perfect parent and I am sure you do well with your children. The fact that you SI'd while they were in the other room is not unique, I'm betting on that. The need to do that doesn't come at the most convenient times, it just happens. Sure you need to learn to stop, and cope differently but for now, don't beat yourself up for it. you were considerate enough not to do it with them in the same room so does it matter if they were there in the other room, in bed or outside playing? I think not.

Do you make up your problems? Don't let the world's view of BPD as drama queens sink in. It's not true. The issues are real, whether stemming from imaginary and irrational fears or not, the fact that they affect your life and your behaviors makes it a real issue that needs to be dealt with. We fake a lot of stuff but usually it's to hide the fact that we are struggling, not to create drama intentionally.

*hugs to you...* hope you feel better soon.

And as for Online classes, I'm sure you're capable and will be a success. Good for you for not going into debt for school!

You're not pathetic at all, When I self harm I never do it front of my kids either, It doesn't make you a bad mother, You're going through emotions.

[AngelWolf3]

thank you all. you guys are awesome.

[greyclouds]

Originally Posted by AngelWolf3

thank you all. you guys are awesome.

Your awesome dont forget it xxxx