[paradiso2340]

Hi All,

I have been seeing a psychologist for issues that I feel are mostly related to OCD, but I am under the suspicion that he thinks there is something more and the language he uses in therapy seems to correlate with some aspects of BPD. When I look at the criteria for BPD, I seem to only fit one fairly strongly at the moment. The whole notion of identity disturbance seems to be a major concern of mine although it hasn't always been. What prompted me to seek help in the first place was that my OCD had really gotten out of control after not doing one of my compulsions. What developed was this intense introspection of myself and feeling like I can't get out of my own head which became incredibly bothersome and only seemed to get worse. Prior to this episode, I can say I truly did have a sense of self with confidence (or so i think). I had values, morals, religious views, likes, dislikes, confident with my sexuality, had good friends, and by no means acted like a "chameleon." as I see is so common with some that have BPD. I was always respectful of other opinions, but I don't feel I molded mine to become in line with them. I admit that I could be "wishy-washy" or accommodating sometimes of other ideas, but I feel that this is common among all people and that their are some areas where we can see both sides.

What I am suffering from now is this feeling of being so stuck in myself that I can't break out of it. I feel like I am always self-monitoring and I keep telling myself that I'm being fake with others and to myself. I have developed thoughts of something being inherently wrong with me or "bad" which I never felt before, but has become so pervasive (I have read that some with BPD have this sense of badness or evilness at their core.) I keep telling myself that I don't know who I am, that I'm stuck, etc. I just feel that this is more connected to a severe form of OCD and depression, rather than something deeper. I'm not too sure though. My question is what have some of your experiences been with this particular symptom of BPD, and did this "identity disturbance" suddenly develop or is it something you feel was characteristic of your personality for quite some time prior to being diagnosed? Thanks for reading and for any insights

[spondiferous]

I have been diagnosed with depression, OCD and BPD, and what I can say from personal experience is that I don't exhibit all of the symptoms of any one of them. I have other diagnoses as well; I am a 'melting pot' or mosaic of mental health issues. In my case though, I feel that by the time I was diagnosed my BPD was far less of a problem than the other stuff. My suggestion would be not to worry too much about it (I know that probably sounds incredible) and just seek help for what you are experiencing now, which sounds like a few things. Fortunately the common treatment for BPD - DBT - addresses all sorts of things so it's useful for all sorts of people.

I don't think, for me, identity disturbance was something that ever just suddenly "showed up" but was rather something that was there just about my entire life, or at least since adolescence, where we really start trying to develop identities. I was even more of a chameleon than most teenagers, and fit my personality and role to whomever I was hanging out with at the time. I could get along with the so-called preppy kids just as well as I could get along with the so-called stoners; I had no group just as I had no set identity.

[spondiferous]

I would also add that I always had a certain perception of myself - easy to get along with, peaceable, operating on my own authority and moral integrity, socially adaptable, etc. It wasn't until I started struggling with my mental health again in 2009 that I realized that wasn't necessarily true. Not that I was a rotten person and had no redeemable qualities...but that a lot of things I only attributed to my meltdown in 2009 had actually been happening most of my life and I just didn't have the proper lens through which to view it. I'm not saying this is the case with everyone, but rather that time changes all things.

[paradiso2340]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I don't think, for me, identity disturbance was something that ever just suddenly "showed up" but was rather something that was there just about my entire life, or at least since adolescence, where we really start trying to develop identities. I was even more of a chameleon than most teenagers, and fit my personality and role to whomever I was hanging out with at the time. I could get along with the so-called preppy kids just as well as I could get along with the so-called stoners; I had no group just as I had no set identity.

Thanks for your response I can say that Jr. High School in high school I was not very self-confident and didn't fit in with all the cliques in my school. I had been going through quite a lot at that time and I was a very sensitive kid. I had interests and I mostly just kept to myself especially the first two years before I eventually found some people that I could truly call friends at the end of high school. After high school however, is when I truly became comfortable in my own skin and embraced myself for who I was which of course lasted until a couple of months ago. I just don't know if I truly didn't know who I was, but thought I did. It's just when I look at the other criteria for BPD it is a pretty good stretch to make myself comply with any of them if I do at all. The reason I keep coming back to it is that the descriptions of identity disturbance are very relevant to what I am going through now. Do you feel you had the other characteristic symptoms of BPD develop over time as well?

[paradiso2340]

Originally Posted by spondiferous

I would also add that I always had a certain perception of myself - easy to get along with, peaceable, operating on my own authority and moral integrity, socially adaptable, etc. It wasn't until I started struggling with my mental health again in 2009 that I realized that wasn't necessarily true. Not that I was a rotten person and had no redeemable qualities...but that a lot of things I only attributed to my meltdown in 2009 had actually been happening most of my life and I just didn't have the proper lens through which to view it. I'm not saying this is the case with everyone, but rather that time changes all things.

Hey thanks for your response Yeah I can agree with everything about having a certain perception of yourself. It's just that this intense introspection coupled with my OCD thoughts have dug me into a state in which I have no idea if I led myself to believe certain things about myself that I truly didn't feel. Hence, the whole I feel inherently bad or evil and that I act nice and good, but it's all a joke. Again, I can't say I always felt this way about myself, but I'm struggling to determine if this was all under the surface or that I'm simply being led around by my obsessional thinking. The reason why I keep coming back to BPD is because of some of what my psychologist said in therapy and also this identity disturbance criteria that from what I read in some sources matches up pretty well with me. When I look at the other criteria I can not say I fit them really for any moment in my life. Does this whole feeling of something being evil or inherently wrong/being fake resonate with you in terms of your BPD?

[poptart316]

I can relate, I often times feel bad/evil, like some sort of freak of society. I took a criminology class which was AWFUL, like I felt like I could relate to a lot of the childhood experiences/mental problems that criminals have and was and still kind of am convinced I've got all the makings of a serial killer and feel like I should separate from myself from society and just go live alone in the woods. I also feel like I'm being fake a lot of the time... like a few days ago I went to a film exhibition and a girl I know had a table there and I was talking to her and trying to be friendly but it didn't feel right and I though of myself as looking very twisted and coming off as insincere... although I really didn't want to interact with her, like I went to watch the films and dreaded knowing that I'd have to go talk to her at some point. I feel like this in soooo many situations. I think a lot of it has to do with growing up in an emotionally abusive family, y'know so much resent and button pushing.. I think I just never learned/internalized how to be friendly and open.. so I try but it feels weird/foreign or I just withdraw and feel so mistrusting of everyone.

[paradiso2340]

Did you always feel this way or was it something you suddenly developed? I feel I developed this feeling recently although I did tend to consider myself cynical and sometimes too serious at times, I kind of looked at those as positive qualities at times. I never viewed myself in this light until recently. I feel completely out of it, strange, and like I'm just making pretend now I can't understand it and it is really bothering me.