So some of you know that I "broke up" with a really good friend about three weeks ago. It was my fault, me and my BPD behaviors got the best of things again. This friend and I have known each other for seven years and he and I were pretty close, so I took it really hard. Cried for about a week (I'm tearing up as I write this, silly me). I'm okay now, really and truly, but I still miss him quite a bit. Anyway, I saw him for the first time since things went down last night while we were at work. It's a job where I only pick up shifts once in a while, so I don't see him often at all, and we only saw each other during shift change (so only for about 30 minutes). I didn't even know he was working, so I was pretty surprised when he came walking in. I was proud of myself though; we exchanged pleasant hellos and everything was fine. Though I said, "Helllloooo," kind of weirdly, probably because I was surprised. After that, he walked over in my direction like he wanted to chat, but I just turned away. Now I feel like kicking myself; why did I do that? I'd like to talk to him very much but... I don't know. Maybe, though I'm doing okay, a little part of me wants to make him feel rejected like I did? Maybe? I know that part of me is just not ready to make nice and put the "break-up" behind us. I miss him; I don't want to be all chatty without being the friends we used to be. I'm not ready, and maybe part of it is the BPD inability--yet--to sit in the gray area of "we're not friends but we can be friendly," though I'm trying to get my mind there. Is that wrong of me? Anyway. I had to give shift report to him (we work in a hospital) and that was fine and pleasant. I know I work with him again in a few weeks (this time for half a shift). Hopefully I won't be weird. I think maybe by then I'll be ready to be a little more friendly and chatty with him. Do you guys think I'm being ridiculous or do you think this kind of thing takes time?

[MissLadyRed]

I understand where you're coming from. I've had this situation (with many people) and things end badly, always because of the BPD. I would have acted the same way, pretending I'm ok, but I'm not really and wanting the other person to feel rejected. I usually become ok after a 'break up' because i haven't seen or heard from them in ages, but as soon as I do, all those feelings come back. I think you expressed well why you turned away from him. Probably because you want him to feel rejected, or maybe you were scared if you were all chatty and things went well, then you're open for him to reject you again (well the feelings of being rejected anyway) It isn't wrong of you, its just the way our BPD goes into protective/defence mode. Maybe you aren't ready to be friends yet. Be polite but don't go out of your way, and I say that because you have to protect yourself from being upset again. Sorry, I'm probably rambling here (didn't sleep last night). These things do take time. I feel for you. I understand this situation all too well. Stay strong. You've handled it so well so far.

[greentires4me]

I totally understand you need your space from him and that should be respected by both parties he also broke your heart when you probably didn't mean the awful things you said. We all say them they are our nasties I call them they come out when we are terrified and something just takes over and we cannot control ourselves we burn bridges.

Originally Posted by MissLadyRed

I think you expressed well why you turned away from him. Probably because you want him to feel rejected, or maybe you were scared if you were all chatty and things went well, then you're open for him to reject you again (well the feelings of being rejected anyway)

Ooooh, I didn't even think of that. You're totally right. I mean, what if he wasn't approaching me to chat and I started opening up like I wanted to have a little conversation and my words just kind of hit a wall? I would feel like absolute crap and would have come home all in a BPD tizzy because I would have ripped open the scab that formed over that initial rejection. Ooooh, you hit the nail on the head. Good observation.

Is it stupid to want him to miss me as much as I miss him? *hides* Jeez, it's almost like I broke up with a boyfriend (though not nearly as intense). And no, I had no romantic feelings for this guy. Especially not once he told me that he likes boys.

Originally Posted by greentires4me

I totally understand you need your space from him and that should be respected by both parties he also broke your heart when you probably didn't mean the awful things you said. We all say them they are our nasties I call them they come out when we are terrified and something just takes over and we cannot control ourselves we burn bridges.

He did break my heart but, I mean, what could he do? He'd had enough. No one can take the abuse for too long. I'd burned lots of bridges and I finally just burned the main one. I wish I could build it up again.

The thing is that there is a big part of me that still thinks I can though I know him and I know that, once he's done with something, he's done. But I feel like he should have been done with me long before this happened, and that there is still another chance left in him, it's just not going to be easy. But I'm afraid that's just me missing the friendship and building a fantasy in my mind that's never going to be reality. I do that a lot and then I get upset when that doesn't become reality. I need to be careful.

[TheRealFDeal]

I would agree that you need to be careful. I think you handled the situation well. You certainly do not want to open yourself up to being/feeling rejected again. And it's only been three weeks. You are not over it, and you probably won't be for awhile. I totally get the fantasizing. I do that, too. Especially if you know you're going to run into him again! Aargh! Try not to beat yourself up so.