[Luctor]

This pertains mostly to new romantic relationships. It could also be relevant to new friendships.

When you initially start dating someone, when is the right time to tell them that you have an emotional dysregulation disorder, and that it will always, to some extent, be the dark passenger, a lingering shadow, in your relationship? And how much detail should you share?

Should we be less candid, and leave it at "I have unstable emotions, I am in recovery and I do everything I can to moderate myself, but there will be times where I slip up"? In the process accepting that we can't share every last detail of ourselves with our partners, AT FIRST, or possibly ever? Is this dishonesty?

Or should we be entirely honest at first? Share all the details of exactly what BPD is and does? Which could make the person hesitant, and maybe make them start looking for cracks, which could compromise the relationship from the very outset?

It's such a fine line. I crossed that line with my very recent ex girlfriend. I told her everything. All the nitty gritty of BPD and my past. The problem was then two-fold:
1) She was ever vigilant for signs of BPD's ugly face. And when you seek, you shall find.
2) This is difficult to admit, but in being entirely upfront, there was a feeling that, "it's okay to let yourself slip into negative, damaging behaviour because you warned her, she knew what she was in for".

Ultimately, I crossed boundaries that I promised I wouldn't because I thought that by being entirely candid with her she knew what she was in for, and would be forgiving, but she left me. The anguish of which is still with me.

I think that's a personal decision. Personally, I don't really have a problem sharing it. The problem though is that sharing it makes me less cautious, and expecting the other person to be exceptionally forgiving, like you said, which can end badly.

To put it frankly, most people don't get or refuse to get it, no matter how well you explain it. A lot of people look at it as an excuse for bad behavior. I would tell people bits and pieces on a need to know basis only. "Sometimes I get angry really fast" or "my emotions can change very quickly" is about all I'd personally say. If the relationship gets close, then maybe more, but I honestly don't know how you can say it or put it that it will be be taken in a way not intended. Not meaning to be negative, but I've had very bad experiences with this.

[Luctor]

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

The problem though is that sharing it makes me less cautious, and expecting the other person to be exceptionally forgiving, like you said, which can end badly.

This is a mistake I really wish I hadn't made. Glad to know someone else recognises that it might be a problem.

Originally Posted by Maranara

If the relationship gets close, then maybe more, but I honestly don't know how you can say it or put it that it will be be taken in a way not intended. Not meaning to be negative, but I've had very bad experiences with this.

I hear you. It's something I've just learned. The hard way. I guess sharing all the details of our struggle mitigates the loneliness we grapple with.

Considering the opinions of people in general, I feel all of your issues mentally should be reserved only to those that you feel you trust completely. With dating I don't think it's something to share for awhile, considering it takes time to get to know and trust them. Until i'ts a serious relationship, it should be kept to yourself. That's just how I feel but I'm sure there are some that would disagree

[Perna]

I think you saw that it works both ways; what you seek you shall find applies to what you expect/want for yourself you'll find too. The devil isn't making us do stuff and no once/immediate stuff wrecks a relationship suddenly (or not usually, and I have to remember that a relationship is about "over time and distance together"). I only discuss my behavior when I know someone and when/if it is a problem for the other person. I don't want other people playing amateur therapist with me, ever and I don't want to play it for them. When I do something another person likes/does not like, I expect a reaction from them, honest words to the effect, "When you do X I feel Y" and then a discussion so we figure out, together, what WE want to do about my doing X and/or your feeling Y (or vice versa).

[Luctor]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Considering the opinions of people in general, I feel all of your issues mentally should be reserved only to those that you feel you trust completely. With dating I don't think it's something to share for awhile, considering it takes time to get to know and trust them. Until i'ts a serious relationship, it should be kept to yourself. That's just how I feel but I'm sure there are some that would disagree

But, say things have gotten quite serious. You've managed to keep most of your BPD stuff under control, but you have a relapse, you rage, you say mean things, you take offense to some minor slight, and your partner is completely dumbfounded. You then tell them that you have an emotional instability condition. Won't they accuse you of being dishonest, selfish even, for not letting them know what they're in for?

Originally Posted by Luctor

But, say things have gotten quite serious. You've managed to keep most of your BPD stuff under control, but you have a relapse, you rage, you say mean things, you take offense to some minor slight, and your partner is completely dumbfounded. You then tell them that you have an emotional instability condition. Won't they accuse you of being dishonest, selfish even, for not letting them know what they're in for?

I think that's a risk that we all take every day. A "relapse" can happen any time under the right circumstances, but you're not going to announce you're BPD when you enter a room.

I don't think it matters whether you tell them or not. They are either going to get it or not, and those who accuse you of being dishonest or selfish would probably be the same ones who, if you'd told them earlier, would have instantly thought you were off your rocker when you told them and wouldn't have stuck around anyway.

I'm not ashamed of my BPD and it's taken me quite a while to get to that point. It is who I am, both good and bad. However, I have severe issues with talking. I was taught at a very young age to NOT talk about anything personal and was punished in what, to me, was the worse possible way, being totally ignored as though I didn't exist for days, possibly a week on end (hense my abandonment issues).

The few times I braved myself to talk about it, I was completely invalidated and was given no credence at all. I just can't do that again; as hard as it was to talk in the first place. If they find out the hard way by seeing me rage or belittle them, so be it. I'll do my best to explain it afterwards, and if they leave, as hard as it will be on me, they weren't really my friend in the first place.