[wadingthruemotions]

I am so flipping tired of life.

I am tired of feeling all the dang time. I am tired of never being able to turn my mind off. i am tired of remembering things I would rather forget. i am tired of my mind saying, oh by the way we hid all these things from you before but guess what, here they are.

i am tired of feeling guilty all the time about things I want. I am tired of impulsiveness driving me to do things.

I am tired of being told all my life that I am nothing without someone else. I am tired of feeling worthless, good for nothing and just a horrible person.

I am tired of the things I have done. I don't know how to stop all this anymore and am just getting downright sick of it all.

I am tired of being tired. This never gets any better. No matter what I do, it just doesn't.

I am angry at myself. I am angry at those who have pushed me to this level of craziness. I wish I had more of a normal upbringing, but nooooooo. I had to have a dysfunctional to the Nth degree family, more than that really, evil is what they are/were. Some are gone now and I am happy about that. Then I feel bad cause I feel happy about that. GRRRR

Sorry for the length if this is long. I guess I just needed to vent away. I feel like spilling every horrid thing done to me and I have done to others. No one wants to hear it really, does it really matter.

I understand all of this and feel tired just like you.

Originally Posted by wadingthruemotions

I am angry at myself. I am angry at those who have pushed me to this level of craziness. I wish I had more of a normal upbringing, but nooooooo. I had to have a dysfunctional to the Nth degree family, more than that really, evil is what they are/were. Some are gone now and I am happy about that. Then I feel bad cause I feel happy about that. GRRRR

I definitely understand this part. I wish that I'd had a normal family as well and I often wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had a normal upbringing. My half-sisters did, and they are normal i.e. they don't deal with any psych issues. They lead normal lives surrounded by two parents and lots of family and friends for support. I have to admit that sometimes I'm very jealous and hurt that I got the raw deal and they got what I should have gotten.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I wish I had something to say to make things better but just know that there are people here who definitely understand.

[TheRealFDeal]

I am tired of feeling worthless, good for nothing and just a horrible person.

This is the bottom line for me. How can I ever get better when I don't feel like I'm worth the effort? That's not very helpful, is it? I'm sorry you are feeling this way, it's awful. Here's hoping we eventually find the peace we seek.

[greentires4me]

I understand I am just as tired as you are that nothing ever seems as it is...that its always something more exhausting and either destructive or compliant.

But I know somewhere deep down I have to go through all this hard **** this is the only way I learn...the hard way not the easy way.

[Fuzzybear]

[adam_k]

Will talking about the things done to you bring resolution to them?

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by adam_k

Will talking about the things done to you bring resolution to them?

Good question. I am not sure fully. Some things that have been coming to light lately for me are all 'new' memories and such. Apparrently I have or had good defenses and blocked crap for good reason.

Other things I have tried to talk about before but when I did I didn't feel like the person I was talking to cared enough to listen enough.

Originally Posted by wadingthruemotions

I am so flipping tired of life.

I am tired of feeling all the dang time. I am tired of never being able to turn my mind off. i am tired of remembering things I would rather forget. i am tired of my mind saying, oh by the way we hid all these things from you before but guess what, here they are.

i am tired of feeling guilty all the time about things I want. I am tired of impulsiveness driving me to do things.

I am tired of being told all my life that I am nothing without someone else. I am tired of feeling worthless, good for nothing and just a horrible person.

I am tired of the things I have done. I don't know how to stop all this anymore and am just getting downright sick of it all.

I am tired of being tired. This never gets any better. No matter what I do, it just doesn't.

I feel this way too. All the time. I don't know how to stop it.

[wadingthruemotions]

I am tired of fighting everything daily.

I cannot keep this fight up. I fight my urges, feelings, moods, emotions, facial expressions, you name it.

I fight the darkness and it is winning. I just want to give in, embrace it and let be what will be.

It takes strength beyond what I have lately to keep this up and win.

[greentires4me]

why don't you let your dark side shine on thru...whats so bad about it...

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by greentires4me

why don't you let your dark side shine on thru...whats so bad about it...

Well that is somewhat of a long story I suppose of how I got to where I am today and how my thoughts are the way they are.

Short answer because I would have no friends and no loved ones left caring about me as they would not be able to. That part of me would not let them get near me and I would not get near them because I would take them all down with me.

it is the darkest side of a person you could get to and still be considered sane i suppose. Or at least that is how it feels to me. I do things that are not accepted by anyone's standards, even those here on this forum.

They feel good, oh so very good at the time, but later on they eat away at me until I am compelled to give in yet again to them.