[ReddSN]

Long story short - group of three friends. Of course I often thought that they were ignoring me. getting together without me. They told me I was being crazy, of course they weren't why was I so paranoid. Turns out that they got involved together. Were together for 6 months, all those nights when we used to go out the three of us, that kept getting cancelled were just so I wouldn't be there. they still went out with out me. It wasn't just my imagination. One of the two in particular started really treating me differently. Flat out cancelling plans, going back on her word, etc, stopping talking to me because she didn't have time. Yet, she spoke to our other friend, her partner, all the time. She told me it was different, that she had to give her time to her partner, and there was none left for me. So major abandonment issues with friend one. Friend two, was much better. however, I couldn't stop, and still can't stop blaming her for the issues with friend one. She took friend one away from me. She is the reason friend one has no time for me any more. I lashed out. A lot. rightly so, she left.

At the same time, Friend two also broke up with friend one. For a few months it was just me and friend one again. Then, friend two came back. But only to friend one. she wants nothing to do with me and only wants friend one. and of course friend two went running back. And guess what? I'm not getting texts returned again, They are always getting together, and friend one has no time for me again.

I am so ****ing angry over all this!!! I don't know how to stop lashing out. Friend two wants nothing to do with me, but I can't stop texting her hurtful things - she needs to hurt because she is hurting me! Both by not talking ot me and by taking friend one again. And then I do say hurtful things, and then I am so angry with myself that I deserve to be treated horribly. That I don't deserve friends, and I deserve much more pain than what I have. Then I get even more upset, and I lash out again and it all starts over.

I can't seem to get out of this cycle!!! The relationship literally consumes the majority of my day. thinking about it, hurting over it, lashing out over it, fighting over it, hating myself for it. How do I get it to stop??????

[shortandcute]

Lots of hugs to you. I'm sorry that youre going thru all this.

[AnnaBegins]

From what you are describing, it sounds to me like both of these people aren't very good friends to you and haven't been for some time. I know that when you start a relationship, it's all very exciting and the siren call to spend all of your spare time with the other person is very hard to resist. But, ditching your other friends to isolate yourself with one person isn't healthy and probably doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. And consistently lying to you and acting in ways that could be interpreted as them letting you know that you don't mean as much to them as they do to each other (cancelling plans and then hanging out as scheduled without you being there) don't seem like the characteristics of true friends. It is tricky to believe this though, and even trickier to let it (them) go in favor of more positive, healthier relationships.

There is something positive to be taken from your recognizing that this is a vicious cycle and you want it to stop.

I wish I knew the answers to how to break the cycle. Maybe it would help to come up with a list of distractions that you can turn to whenever the urge to lash out at either them or you comes on? I've been trying exercise to help me with a somewhat similar situation - figure if I go for a 15-30 minute walk every time I feel the emotions connected to a particular relationship start to overwhelm me, I'll hopefully not only distract myself long enough to make a better decision, I'll help address some of my weight issues.

Sending you lots of thoughts of support!

[greentires4me]

start loving yourself and you will always a have a friend to go out with in yourself sure it might be lonely or odd that your talking to yourself while your out but more people should try it out to be happy. I used to go to restaurants and have conversations with myself.

[ReddSN]

Originally Posted by shortandcute

Lots of hugs to you. I'm sorry that youre going thru all this.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

From what you are describing, it sounds to me like both of these people aren't very good friends to you and haven't been for some time. I know that when you start a relationship, it's all very exciting and the siren call to spend all of your spare time with the other person is very hard to resist. But, ditching your other friends to isolate yourself with one person isn't healthy and probably doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. And consistently lying to you and acting in ways that could be interpreted as them letting you know that you don't mean as much to them as they do to each other (cancelling plans and then hanging out as scheduled without you being there) don't seem like the characteristics of true friends. It is tricky to believe this though, and even trickier to let it (them) go in favor of more positive, healthier relationships.

There is something positive to be taken from your recognizing that this is a vicious cycle and you want it to stop.

I wish I knew the answers to how to break the cycle. Maybe it would help to come up with a list of distractions that you can turn to whenever the urge to lash out at either them or you comes on? I've been trying exercise to help me with a somewhat similar situation - figure if I go for a 15-30 minute walk every time I feel the emotions connected to a particular relationship start to overwhelm me, I'll hopefully not only distract myself long enough to make a better decision, I'll help address some of my weight issues.

Sending you lots of thoughts of support!

It wasn't acting in ways that could be interpreted as me not being important - they started a relationship together. Cheating on their husbands with each other relationship. I wasn't important. Plain and simple.

The distraction is a good idea, but I'm having a hard time coming up with distractions that work. I love to read. But lately the books aren't engrossing enough to take my mind off things. Plus, they all have happy endings, something I don't have in my life. Walking is good, but it doesn't distract my mind. I'd be walking and my mind would be churning, churning, churning the whole time and I would be getting angrier and angrier.

Originally Posted by greentires4me

start loving yourself and you will always a have a friend to go out with in yourself sure it might be lonely or odd that your talking to yourself while your out but more people should try it out to be happy. I used to go to restaurants and have conversations with myself.

Thanks Greentires, but my immediate thought is there is nothing here to love. If there was, they would see it and would treat me accordingly.

It doesn't help that in all of this, these two were my first real and true friends. We shared everything. I felt safe, and like I could trust them. Then I find out all the lies and they ditch me for each other, and I just feel like "Of course this is what happens. Stupid, stupid you for even thinking someone might be a real friend."

All wrapped up in this too - is I don't want to let them go. I want them to stay, I want the one who left me to come back. I want them to be around to show me I have some value, that I'm worth being friends with. And of course, the one that left, the more I bang on her door, so to speak, the less she wants to answer it, but I can't stop it. I NEED her to let me in, because she was wrong. If she never lets me in, then she spends the rest of her life thinking she made the right decision and she didn't. And I know that all sounds so stupid, but I can't let this go!! I mean, It's been how many hours since my first post and I'm still all worked up over it!!

[shezbut]

(((ReddSN)))

I can empathize with you. That is hard. I've had to let go of the toxic relationships that I have, which leaves me pretty much alone. I do have my 2 daughters (part-time) and a boyfriend, but that's it. I was just filled with such resentment, guilt, anger, self-hate, and so forth ~ the couple of friends I did have couldn't take me anymore. And I couldn't take my family anymore! ugh...

Staying as busy as possible helps me. Chores and exercising, while listening to music, crossword puzzles, word search, escaping to my spot of peacefulness (in my mind). It definitely calms me down when I imagine myself at that spot. A beach, or in the mountains, alone. Focusing on all I can see, hear, touch, taste, smell in those spots of peacefulness for a few minutes is all I need in the intense moments to bring me down a little bit. It makes life more manageable for a little while ~ and then I do it again when I start feeling overwhelmed again.

Best wishes to you ReddSN!

[BodyMindSoul]

Hi ReddSN,

I have been also having similar issues. Perhaps, what we need to do is write down how we feel, which you did and then talk to someone who can support us. I feel often inundated by responsibilities and I do feel like you do. I think the most important thing we can do is realize we are not alone and that we are also constructive even if we are not contributing to help right in this moment.

[Ithilanar]

I understand that your friends would have had an overwhelming need to be alone together in the beginning when they started dating, and I am sure they didn’t mean to hurt you at the time. In the first stage of falling in love, both are high on oxytocin and dopamine and really can’t think straight. That is why they tend to isolate themselves for a period and do irrational things. I really don’t think they were abandoning you or had the intention to make you feel worthless.

Problem was, they should have been outright honest with you. Cancelling plans, going back on their word, and all of that are the worst they could do to you in terms of triggers. The common problem with people in our lives is that they hardly dare being honest with us in fear of making us blow up. If they had been honest with you and said that, no, you are still important, but we need this time alone for a while, which has nothing to do with you personally and that we will return to you, they wouldn’t have found themselves jammed in a position where they couldn’t give up making white lies. As a person with borderline you easily see through white lies and it becomes the focus of abandonment, black and white.

Instead of taking up the conflict and confrontation, they seemed to both have given up and just run away. I think a lot of us here have experienced that reaction from people in our lives. I think when we ‘blow up’, a lot of friends and family don’t know how to deal with it. They don’t know how to reassure you or calm you, and instead they run. Which unfortunately just confirms the fear of abandonment in us. It’s a really tricky situation.

I know how that makes you feel that something awful is wrong with you, but there’s not. The fear of abandonment is your disorder, something separate inside of you and it isn’t your fault. I wish I had a magic cure for all of us so we could see things objectively and zoom out, but I know it’s not so easy. I really hope you find new friends that you can have a healthy relationship with. To keep a distance is often a healthy choice for yourself, so you don’t become too dependent on people you can’t really depend on. All the luck to you.