Trigger A day in the of my borderline mind...

brokenwings79 · Jun 23, 2013, 11:55 AM

The phrase I have commonly used to describe my life is, "Same crap, different day". I feel like my life is just endless days that merge together. I get no 30 minute breaks from my mind, no days off, no vacation from myself. I would give anything for a moment of sanity. My day can begin like any other. I wake up and kiss my man as he comes home from work. We are laughing and enjoying our time together. This can all be ruined in an instant. My fiance tells the kids they are slacking on their chores and I immediately feel it churning inside. What I heard him say was that I am not cleaning enough and failing as a mom because their chores are not done. Defenses go up and I begin making excuses about something that was never about me. How did I hear so clearly what you never even said? It is so up and down and back and forth.....all just one day and it is just beginning. And I know that tomorrow it will all start again.

Luvmydog · Jun 23, 2013, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenwings79

The phrase I have commonly used to describe my life is, "Same crap, different day". My fiance tells the kids they are slacking on their chores and I immediately feel it churning inside. What I heard him say was that I am not cleaning enough and failing as a mom because their chores are not done. Defenses go up and I begin making excuses about something that was never about me. How did I hear so clearly what you never even said? It is so up and down and back and forth.....all just one day and it is just beginning. And I know that tomorrow it will all start again.

Thank you for sharing, this is a tough situation to find yourself in day after day. I know, I have done the same sort of stuff with my wife. On the other hand though, I have learned that dealing with my BPD symptoms and actions requires small steps.

It sounds to me that you may have already started to take those steps without even realizing it. You recognize the fact that his statement had nothing to do with you. That is one of the bigger small steps, regardless of when you recognized it.

I have done the same sort of thing, but instead of making excuses for myself, I lash out. For me, I apologize after I realize that how I reacted was because of the BPD. Over time, the amount of time between my reaction and the apology has shortened. Very rarely, but, sometimes, I even stop the reaction before it leaves my mouth. It takes time, but it is possible. I know that it is frustrating while you are in the midst of this, but if a lout like me can see some positive results, then I believe that you can too.

brokenwings79 · Jun 24, 2013, 12:29 AM

Thank you so much. It is always nice to hear that people understand your feelings. I have severe abandonment and jealousy issues. I am starting to control my constant phone calls and texts when he is gone. I do good for about an hour or two and then my thoughts begin to play. I just know that he is with another woman who is not "crazy" and could treat him better than me. No matter how many times he tries to prove or show his love it is just not enough to fully convince me. I want to get people before they get me so I self sabotage in order to create the crisis that I want to happen so I can run away. One day at a time....just thankful that I can for once not play the victim and admit when I am wrong(sometimes lol). Thanks again for the kind words

Ithilanar · Jun 24, 2013, 06:24 AM

Luvmydog is right. The fact that you are able to see where it goes wrong and where you and the BD separates means everything. Once you can start to tell which thoughts are yours and which aren't (even if they are always hard to separate) you can start making preventive measures. It already sounds like you are improving and doing your best to keep those thoughts chained down. The worst is the doubt. You feel an inner war between your rationality and your fear. You know he didn't mean it a certain way, but what if.. I find that is why it is so difficult to keep the BD thoughts at bay. But it's possible! And the more trust you put in your loved one, the more love will be returned. That brings a feeling of safety as well. I really hope you'll keep getting better (:. Some days are good, some are bad. It's just the unpredictability that's really tough.

UnderTheRose · Jun 24, 2013, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenwings79

What I heard him say was that I am not cleaning enough and failing as a mom because their chores are not done. Defenses go up and I begin making excuses about something that was never about me.

I can totally relate.. tho my husband is passive agressive and i am VERY sure that when he says those things he IS totally referring to me as a failure. Suddenly my day goes to **** and i want to die.