[NICK 0305]

Time for a moan ! As you know I have BPD and my partner left me 6 weeks prior to me getting diagnosed and she said she cant take anyone which in a way i understand. We were together 6 years and I love and miss her so much but she feels i wont change. I was out driving an hour agao and as ive previously said its hard as she works for me, anyway i thought i would buy her some flowers, i went to a special florist and bought the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. On returning to my work I went to her and said these are because i love you and always have and always will, her reply was to not even look at me but say thanks. I then said it looks like you dont even want them and she said no i dont ! What a heartless *****, I know i havea problem and she cant even see the nice in me which is tearing me apart.
Sorry for my rant but it really hurts .

[Phreak]

Have you tried looking at the situatuon from her perspective?

She's now working for somebody who she no longer wants to be with and she can't even maintain a seperate civil working relationship as you're bringing personal issues into the work place.

You need to back off or she could quit and then sue claiming her job had became untenable.

I agree with Phreak. She broke up with you/left you.

The problem of her working for her ex is a really bad situation anyway.

I wouldn't have come up with what Phreak said about the bringing the personal issues to the workplace myself but he is 100% on target here. Even if it were appropriate to give her flowers now (which is questionable anyway - she left you!) it wouldn't be appropriate to do so in the workplace.

Considering she probably already has a hard time even being around you in the work place, I don't think she's being a heartless anything, but is extremely put on the spot by your bringing unwanted flowers to her. She is like a captive audience because she has to be there. I thin kit was quite unwise.

You need to let it go and if no where else, at least in the work place. She is now just an employee, treat her as such, not an ex lover or anything. Keep it professional or you may end up in a tougher situation than you are now.

I am sorry for your pain. It is really hard ending relationships. We go through a lot of emotions.

I 100% agree with the other members in that it is critical that you keep your personal life totally separate from work. I know you are hurting right now and want to reach out but you HAVE to remember you are in the workplace and things could get a lot worse if she feels she is receiving unwanted attention.

Try to change up your routine a bit at the office, if you can. And do nice things for yourself...focus on YOU. She removed herself from the equation. It is important to remember that.

Hi Nick, I just wanted to add, I felt scared and confused when I was first Dx. I had been seeing the same Pdoc for almost 10 years due to severe anxiety, depression and cptsd. He retired on Jan 1 and gave me two pages (copied) from my chart: BPD. I was stunned (what a label).

I did a great deal of research and also came here and shared my feelings about it (rcvd really good support).

I am seeing a new Pdoc now, as well as a new T and I go to a group. I expressed the sadness, fear and shock I felt re: the BPD dx.
My medical /support team all told me separately that it is manageable, treatable and "symptoms" get better with age (we are around the same age so I wanted to be sure to mention that, as well = hope).

I am working on DBT which is very helpful. It is teaching me a new way to think about things, process feelings / thoughts and to communicate. Also to think about things in a different way ( I have lost several people that I loved very much, as well).

I just wanted to reach out and say you a re not alone, we can relate and to keep writing. You are in a good, supportive place. Rose

Originally Posted by NICK 0305

Time for a moan ! As you know I have BPD and my partner left me 6 weeks prior to me getting diagnosed and she said she cant take anyone which in a way i understand. We were together 6 years and I love and miss her so much but she feels i wont change. I was out driving an hour agao and as ive previously said its hard as she works for me, anyway i thought i would buy her some flowers, i went to a special florist and bought the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. On returning to my work I went to her and said these are because i love you and always have and always will, her reply was to not even look at me but say thanks. I then said it looks like you dont even want them and she said no i dont ! What a heartless *****, I know i havea problem and she cant even see the nice in me which is tearing me apart.
Sorry for my rant but it really hurts .

Sorry you're hurting, but I disagree with her being a heartless *****. I think this is a difficult situation for both of you. She wants to keep her job and do her work but still maintain the boundaries that she set for herself by breaking up with you--she set them pretty clearly by doing that. When you bring her flowers at work, how is she supposed to react? If she acts all excited about them, then she is stepping over her own boundaries that she set up just to make you happy and sorry, but I just don't think she's concerned about that right now. I think she's probably more concerned with how she's going to manage keeping a healthy distance between the two of you while also working with you. Which doesn't make her heartless, it makes her healthy.

[NICK 0305]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Hi Nick, I just wanted to add, I felt scared and confused when I was first Dx. I had been seeing the same Pdoc for almost 10 years due to severe anxiety, depression and cptsd. He retired on Jan 1 and gave me two pages (copied) from my chart: BPD. I was stunned (what a label).

I did a great deal of research and also came here and shared my feelings about it (rcvd really good support).

I am seeing a new Pdoc now, as well as a new T and I go to a group. I expressed the sadness, fear and shock I felt re: the BPD dx.
My medical /support team all told me separately that it is manageable, treatable and "symptoms" get better with age (we are around the same age so I wanted to be sure to mention that, as well = hope).

I am working on DBT which is very helpful. It is teaching me a new way to think about things, process feelings / thoughts and to communicate. Also to think about things in a different way ( I have lost several people that I loved very much, as well).



I just wanted to reach out and say you a re not alone, we can relate and to keep writing. You are in a good, supportive place. Rose

Hi Rose many thanks for your kind words and same to the rest although i didnt like reading them but hey ho. I think its time i let go as im sure shes been seeing someone else. I just wanna be a better person and wanna be loved unconditionally. Ive a big heart x

[Dionysius]

Breaking up is always difficult, even though in my experience it is inevitable. I feel for you I am still sad over the break up with my ex. It is one of the most traumatic experiences of life for the one who still loves the other, one thinks "how can I go on without her/him"? I just hope you can learn to cope, best wishes.

[NICK 0305]

Originally Posted by Dionysius

Breaking up is always difficult, even though in my experience it is inevitable. I feel for you I am still sad over the break up with my ex. It is one of the most traumatic experiences of life for the one who still loves the other, one thinks "how can I go on without her/him"? I just hope you can learn to cope, best wishes.

Many thanks. It hurts but im starting to let go. Happiness for me is closer than i thought but beed to get head sorted first x

[salsharia]

Originally Posted by NICK 0305

Many thanks. It hurts but im starting to let go. Happiness for me is closer than i thought but beed to get head sorted first x

I understand and I am sorry. It is a terrible kind of pain. The best thing for you to do right now is focus on yourself and only do things that make you feel better. Start listening to motivational pod casts, good music, videos, movies, etc.. and only do it for yourself, not to prove to her that you are doing better. Once you get your energy back up you will start attracting/allowing more positive things in your life perhaps even one day a new beautiful girlfriend that will love you unconditionally. It is out there and it will come to you but you have to love yourself first, give yourself time with these things and don't force it.

I know it is a real battle not to self hate. I slip all the time but don't allow yourself to give up. Tomorrow brings new and exciting opportunities if today is not your best, ride it out. Baths REALLY help to calm the mind if you are in a great deal of pain.

[ReddSN]

I have to wonder what is wrong with me here. I read Nick's post and thought it was a nice gesture. Then everyone else disagreed. I don't understand? She should be happy someone cares. Or that's what I thought, but obviously it is wrong.

[Phreak]

Originally Posted by ReddSN

I have to wonder what is wrong with me here. I read Nick's post and thought it was a nice gesture. Then everyone else disagreed. I don't understand? She should be happy someone cares. Or that's what I thought, but obviously it is wrong.

Erm apart from the fact that she split up from him and it happened at work - the fact he's her boss just made it worse.

Does that make sense now?

Be careful about hoping for the unconditional love. We all have our limits, even in love, and we have to fix ourselves - love isn't going to do that for us.

[ReddSN]

Originally Posted by Phreak

Erm apart from the fact that she split up from him and it happened at work - the fact he's her boss just made it worse.

Does that make sense now?

Not really. I mean I get maybe work wasn't the best place for it. But I don't see what is so horrible and why everyone had to attack him for it. Then I agree and I get a sarcastic response. geez.

Originally Posted by ReddSN

Not really. I mean I get maybe work wasn't the best place for it. But I don't see what is so horrible and why everyone had to attack him for it. Then I agree and I get a sarcastic response. geez.

it's only a nice gesture when appropriate. When someone makes it clear they have broken up with you, that draws a line that says "do not pursue". Giving flowers or doing romantic things where it is not acceptable any longer can be easily interpreted badly. In any environment, and even more so in the work environment, when a person says stop with regards to romantic flirtations or orther actions, it means they are off limits. Her breaking up with him was basically saying "no more". Any further actions such as this can be considered sexual harrassment at that point.

No one attacked but warned him that this was inappropriate.

Even the OP agreed it was probably best.

Originally Posted by ReddSN

Not really. I mean I get maybe work wasn't the best place for it. But I don't see what is so horrible and why everyone had to attack him for it. Then I agree and I get a sarcastic response. geez.

I also didn't see the response as sarcastic, but pretty straight forward honesty.

[Phreak]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I also didn't see the response as sarcastic, but pretty straight forward honesty.

Thanks . You're right it wasn't intended to be sarcastic, just a straight explanation to somebody appearing to be oblivious and not having already understood what had already been posted.

Originally Posted by ReddSN

I have to wonder what is wrong with me here. I read Nick's post and thought it was a nice gesture. Then everyone else disagreed. I don't understand? She should be happy someone cares. Or that's what I thought, but obviously it is wrong.

Originally Posted by ReddSN

Not really. I mean I get maybe work wasn't the best place for it. But I don't see what is so horrible and why everyone had to attack him for it. Then I agree and I get a sarcastic response. geez.

You didn't really agree. You pretty much just showed deference to the group opinion whilst stating you didn't agree and thus presumably didn't understand it.

Don't agree with things for the sake of it, have the couerage of your convictions!

[NICK 0305]

Thanks for the positive comment and support, yes i also feel i was attacked here but hey ho thats ok i can take the crap cuz ive been taking it for ages. None of you know the whole story behind our split, its not straight forward. Yes i do miss her and still love her and she still loves me but she cant handle the bad side and that is what i am trying to address. I will say that she is a very loving woman and has helped me in a big way especially when i lost my mum to medical negligence, i was at a stage i no longer wanted to be here and she helped me get back to where i am today. The thing i want to stress is she does not understand BPD and if she did then maybe she would be my rock but she isnt and thats my own fault for not addressing things sooner. Please do not judge people unless you know the full story, i am no angel and nor was she towards me and she openly admits that.
Thanks for making my day even more sad than it already was, i thought this was a support site!

[Phreak]

Originally Posted by NICK 0305

Thanks for the positive comment and support, yes i also feel i was attacked here but hey ho thats ok i can take the crap cuz ive been taking it for ages. None of you know the whole story behind our split, its not straight forward. Yes i do miss her and still love her and she still loves me but she cant handle the bad side and that is what i am trying to address. I will say that she is a very loving woman and has helped me in a big way especially when i lost my mum to medical negligence, i was at a stage i no longer wanted to be here and she helped me get back to where i am today. The thing i want to stress is she does not understand BPD and if she did then maybe she would be my rock but she isnt and thats my own fault for not addressing things sooner. Please do not judge people unless you know the full story, i am no angel and nor was she towards me and she openly admits that.
Thanks for making my day even more sad than it already was, i thought this was a support site!

I'm sorry if anything I or anybody else said made you feel atked. I know personally that I can be blunt and appear harsh at times

You're right, we don't and didn't know the full extent of your relationship. We only commented based on the data to hand.

If you felt judged then that is sad and unfortunate. We can all only do our best to support as best as we can, we're collectively not professionals, sorry

I definitely was not trying to attack you. I honestly feel confused now by your most recent response and defensive posture / anger.

Sorry you felt bad and really sorry you have felt "attacked" for ages.

Take care.

I dont see anyone attacking. In fact, being supportive if anything.

I agree that it was a nice gesture. But I do think it was inappropriate gesture at work. She made it clear she wanted to end the relationship. They work in the same office and he is her boss / superior. It could be construed by her as unwanted attention. Making things in the workplace uncomfortable ... as if it isnt already uncomfortable enough. And could create legal issues.

If OP wanted to reach out and offer a beautiful bouquet of flowers to the woman he loves, it just would have been better to make the gesture outside of work. Keep personal stuff personal.

Kind regards.

Originally Posted by ReddSN

I have to wonder what is wrong with me here. I read Nick's post and thought it was a nice gesture. Then everyone else disagreed. I don't understand? She should be happy someone cares. Or that's what I thought, but obviously it is wrong.

[NICK 0305]

Thanks peeps i need help to change x

Nick, how are things?

Originally Posted by NICK 0305

Thanks peeps i need help to change x

[NICK 0305]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Nick, how are things?

Hi to be honest not good. Having a bad day and cant see a way out of this sadness. Doc gave me diazepam and im dead against meds but ive got them now. I just wish i could smile again x

[Dionysius]

I can`t guarantee you will smile again soon, but it does get easier, I will never be as "happy" as when I was with a certain woman, but my sadness isn`t all to do with the break up, I am not young and my illnesses are getting the better of me. Sorry waffling, just wanted to say I hope things improve for you.