Scared

This isn't going to be an upbeat post, just so you know. But I've been kind of...I don't know...marinating in my own thoughts all day and they're so incredibly unhealthy that I need to get them out somehow. So, because I already talked to my aunt last night and don't feel like I can burden her further with my anxiety (and she said, at the end of our convo, "It sounds like all your stuff is so overwhelming," which just made me feel more overwhelmed), I came here.

Many people who read the stuff I post on here probably know that I struggle pretty hard with anxiety. I just feel so overwhelmed with life: I'm virtually alone, I'm working two highly stressful jobs, don't make a lot of money while having a lot of debt and seem to have things endlessly popping up which put a strain on my finances. The most recent is that I need to replace the entire exhaust system on my car which is going to cost around $700, which is everything I had managed to save up to now. I'm thankful that I have the money, but I have other things I need to pay for as well. I know that this is life; there are always things coming up and that's just how it goes. However, I have a massive student loan in forbearance which I will need to start paying on in October. I can't even see the end of that one; it will probably be over a decade before I will be done paying on that. I don't even have a degree, and, while I was planning on finishing nursing school, I don't think, at this point that it's a possibility with my mental state. At the very least, I don't know how I could be without medical insurance for the time I would be in school, since I wouldn't be working full time for that year and a half. What would I do about meds? I wish I could say that I could power through (and on good days I am almost at that point) but reality is that I just don't think it's a possibility right now. And my spot on the waiting list will come up very soon and if I don't take it I will lose my spot.

I'm scared. Really scared. I'm feeling a feeling akin to terror nearly all the time the last day or so. I am afraid that an expense will come up with my car that I won't be able to pay and I won't have transportation to work. I'm afraid of something happening to me that will cause me not to be able to work and earn money, and then I will be homeless. The thought of something happening to my aunt or uncle has even come up (I'm the nearest relative to both of them) and I have no idea what I would do, how I would handle their arrangements and stuff. My mind is going a mile a minute about so many things and I don't know how to stop it. I'm so scared.

*trigger* The worst thing is that the last week or so I've been thinking about suicide and have been formulating a plan, I'm just too afraid to carry it out. I know that I'm in a chronic depressive state and that the anxiety is just one of the symptoms. I no longer gain any pleasure from anything in life. I don't have many friends--really only three--and I don't really have fun spending time with them. Mainly because my fear and anxiety are so all-consuming, but also because I just have no joy anymore. I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and have been dealing with the roller coaster ever since. But I don't feel like I'm on a roller coaster anymore, I just feel like I'm being defeated. I'm not that tearful, sad depressed I'm just...I just want to be done. I can't see this ever ending. And I can't keep living like this forever, feeling anxious and scared and terrified and joyless.

I just wish I knew that it was going to be okay. I wish I could stop feeling like this.

anxiety is a horrible thing to have to deal with and it sounds like it really has its grip on you exacerbating your depression. I have an anxiety meter I use that I dial down my anxiety with when it gets to high. basically you imagine a meter in you head. a dial from 1-10 that you rate your anxiety on 10 being the worse. there is a red zone from 8-10. you use your breathing to reduce your anxiety to get the meter out of the red zone to a more manageable level. I actually turn the dial down manually to get it out of the red zone and it helps. so when my anxiety is all jacked up, I just tell myself to dial down and it helps. it helps if you practice it in a meditative way a bunch of times first. good luck.

Oh your poor love x Thanks for posting this. I hope it's comforting to know you have this forum to let your feelings be known. I can only speak for myself and I want you to be safe in what you do. Please keep posting. These feelings will hopefully pass soon. I'm thinking of you x

I know exactly where you are coming from. Anxiety is the worst symptom of depression, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We all have those "I wish I could stop feeling like this" times, and sometimes they last longer than others. But it will pass. ((hugs))

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've felt like this so many times, and it's starting to get bad again for me. I wish I could make it better for both of us.

I know it's only a small help and not a fix, but are there any mental illness or depression support groups in your area? I found the support I got in some to be really helpful, and you might also make some new friends who understand what you're going through.

I looked into it quite a while ago and no, there aren't any support groups. There is DBT which I was supposed to be going to, but the cost of going to group once a week plus individual therapy once a week was far more than I could pay. I can only afford to see my T twice a month which is probably not enough but it's what I can do. Honestly, I don't know how much therapy is helping me at this point. It's not getting me through what I'm feeling very well. Really, I don't see how therapy can help me; the only thing that would help me not to be anxious is if I were to win the lottery or something as the #1 thing weighing on me is financial issues both short term and long (even out into retirement).

ooh, you have to pay for DBT? eeek! oh my goodness. Come to Canada
((hugs)) I'm so sorry.
I get like this too sometimes but not with the suicidal part.. im REALLY scared of death, its my #1 fear. I often wonder if im like in a depressive state or a dysphoric mania/affective instability.. like would meds help? or... what? brain just picks apart my life a mile a minute...
know that lots of us here care about you and want you around k? <3

Hi MK. It sounds like your thoughts are just running amok and you can't control them and they are scaring you to death. I can relate. I keep meaning to try something meditative, but I just can't see it working. I used to do yoga, and the more they would talk about breathing and letting thoughts go, the more anxious I would get because I couldn't seem to do it. I just read something that suggested wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it a little every time you start to notice that you are ruminating to help "snap" you out of it, I guess. I can't imagine anything working so I don't even try. That's no good either.

I think you're probably right about not being in a mental state to be in school. It sucks when opportunities arise when you are unable to take advantage of them. I hate that you were unable to join the DBT group. I don't know exactly how they work or what group rules are like, but it seems like just being with other people who maybe "get you" once a week would be a good thing.

I'm sorry I'm not being very helpful. Just empathizing. I hope you feel our concern and don't do anything to hurt yourself.