Avoiding Splitting

There's a person at work, one of only a few who I speak to, who I've been building up into this ideal perfect friend for a while now. I know I'm doing it and so far have been able to monitor my emotions, stay calm and not get too clingy. I should add here that this has worked well and we've got a nice, work friendship and I talk to them about all sorts of things and they share stuff with me.

They recently got friendly with the "in clique", a group of people who are very socially confident, the sort who make friends effortlessly and never appear anxious. On Friday night, they were all going out. I'd been invited by a general email and didn't want to go so was fine with that but it became apparent that they'd all decided to share a lift into town together after work (including my friend) without including me. I told myself I was fine with this. That it's OK to get on with some people and not others and that it has nothing to do with me. I hate groups and don't want to be part of any clique but do value individual friendships so just wanted them to go and leave me to work out the rest of my hours.

Anyway, the problem was, just before they left on Friday (literally as they were getting up to leave with the others) my friend asked if I was going. I think out of guilt as they hadn't mentioned it before for the whole of the week (but had clearly discussed it with the others when I wasn't there). They then said what time they'd be leaving (early) as if they knew the only reason I would go was to see them and that they were somehow trying to put me off. What made it worse was that somebody else in the clique smiled as they said this as if I was some pathetic tag along who needed to be patronized.

What upset me was that I was fine with not going up until this point. I didn't feel like going out last night anyway. This fake last minute invite and what I perceived as being mocked by the other person made me think that they think I'm some pathetic loser. I just wish my friend had gone out and continued not to mention it as I'd have been more fine with that and I could have kept the two things separate (my individual friendship with them and my feeling of disdain for the group who've always treated me like some kind of freak). Now the two sets of emotions have gotten merged together and I feel awful. Which I suppose is what splitting is all about - being unable to integrate conflicting emotions?

Don't know if any of that makes sense but I'm now trying to control my feelings, and above all things not get angry. I think the best thing for me to do is withdraw from the whole situation but it's difficult because I still like this person. I think I've just realized we'll never be properly friends as they prefer the company of the social crowd and don't want to include me in that. I've even considered taking next week off sick to avoid the possibility of me having a meltdown over it.

Any advice welcome. I'd appreciate a different perspective on this as could be blowing it all way out of proportion (as usual ).

sorry I don't have any advice, but so relate to the title

I think you might be blowing it out of proportion. I mean, I wasn't there, so I don't know for sure, but I do the same thing with social stuff, especially invitations from coworkers. That's why they simply don't invite me anymore.

It sounds like you're not really close with that clique, so it makes sense that they wouldn't be discussing the outing with you, but the email was sent out and you were invited. It sounds like the person with whom you are closer friends with did want you to go, and asked, just before they were all going, whether or not you were going. It didn't sound like a fake last-minute invite to me at all. I think in a work situation where there are a lot of people involved it can be easy to fall through the cracks, especially if you're not really part of the group, and for someone who is really sensitive to this, it is especially hard not to take it personally. I get it; I've been in the exact same position and have taken it personally and I've lost the opportunity to make friends with people because of it.

I think the trap that some of us with BPD fall into is that we almost want people to "beg" us to hang out with them. I mean, it's not that we want that, but it's almost like people have to state several times that they want us around or we don't believe it and we label invites as fake or brush them off or whatever. We start looking for hidden motives. That's the feedback I've gotten in the past, at least.

Hey Harmacy,

I think you know the answer and are seeing it for what is is as you use the word 'perceive' a few times there!

Social monster flay about like this and draw people into it but that really can mess with our heads, and it has yours. They have drawn in your friend and your friend probably hasn't even thought much about it and assumed you are going to? Normal people have no idea how we perceive this stuff!

Chin up cheekychops x
Fluey x

((((Harmacy)))))

Sounds like a very similar situation I had when I was working 'in the real world'...I was friends with this one girl that did a lot of stuff with the clique...anyway it ended terribly for me and I lost that friendship because of my paranoia. Don't let the same thing happen to you. Try not to read too much into it (easier said than don't I know)

I feel for you I really do, I know how difficult it is to work with ppl....which is why I chose not to in the end.

Much love and hugs

Your probably reading too much in to the whole thing, I do that a lot too, over analyze. I like to be asked even if i have no intention of going. Why shouldn't they ask me? That's the narcissist in me. Then I get totally pissedoff if I feel skipped or avoided! I get angry and hate everyone, that's the BPD in me. Usually though I am simply over reacting and analyzing it way too much. I suspect it might be the same for you. As for splitting, if any one ever figures out how to avoid it, please let me know too!!!

Good luck with that :-) We cannot control our feelings, or thoughts, just our actions. Our feelings let us know what is going on, and I'm glad because that caused you to act by writing this post! Think of the other things you could have done? You could have acted on your anger and feeling of being patronized but you decided to check all that out, instead, to see what other people's take on it might be. That's wonderful! That's what you are supposed to do! Your background experiences have led to your thoughts and feelings coming up and here's an opportunity to work with them and, hopefully, next time a situation like this comes up, you remember this one and its resolution you decided on so the next situation doesn't get as uncomfortable.

I was with you until your friend innocently wondered if you were going, as you all had not discussed the event before I gather, and your imagination took over and took that as an invitation. You already got the invitation in the email, like everyone else did and you decided you did not want to go! Now your friend is going and associating with other people you don't know but don't think you want to associate with but it sounds like your "don't like groups" might hide a bit of social anxiety? So, you are stuck between the rock and the hard place, kind of wanting to be included (you were, you got the email like everyone else) but being scared/feeling awkward and unwanted and not liking that feeling so you have to use your imagination and thoughts to stir it up and confuse things :-)

It helps me if I refuse to think about the other people and what they are thinking/looking like/doing, etc. and admit to myself, "I don't know these people and I'm afraid they won't like me". I can only work on my own fears and test out my own thoughts to see how true or false they are, can only act the way I want. Deciding someone else is doing something to mess me up (planning to leave at a certain time when I can't or won't go) gives me all the "power" (Why would they be thinking about me? They have their own plans and things they are doing for themselves, they aren't thinking about me, too much coordination would be needed by too many people and they don't know me to be concerned about me and what I might or might not do?) and also distracts me from useful thoughts about my own actions. If I am thinking about what other people are doing, I cannot also be thinking about myself first and I'm the only person "here", the only person that counts in my life.

It is all right to be too uncomfortable to want to go do some activity with strangers one is not sure one will like/get along with but starting from that point and not weaving a whole different, confusing story in there can save some additional angst with one's self.

Thanks so much for all the replies! They've helped a lot and reduced some of the anxiety I was feeling.

I think now that I did interpret things in a distorted way and I'm so glad I didn't react in the moment. Not reacting causes a massive surge in anxiety but I think I'm learning that it's best to try and resolve that later, at a safe distance, rather than in an angry outburst which can leave everybody hurt and confused (including me). It's difficult but being able to post on here and get advice from others who've been in similar situations really helps.

I'll see how it goes next week and try to remember to hold back and not act if my feelings start to overwhelm me.

Yes I am also trying to learn to act less and think more before I open my mouth or conclude a situation at the present time! So hard....but we will get there

Hi Harmacy,
I don't think your new friend meant any harm by mentioning it before going. Perhaps he/she was trying to be thoughtful to try to include you? Remind you that this offer to go out was still there. It's hard for me sometimes when I really like a friend and they don't include me in their plans. I realized I really want a best friend like I see other people have. My best friends have moved away or the new ones already have a best friend. It's like an empty spot in my life that I would like filled. I understand that people are going to not always include me, so I'll find other people to go out with to keep busy. Other times I isolate and they probably wonder why I don't want to do anything.

Maybe you could talk to new friend like, "Sorry if I seemed distant last week. I felt left out of the plans. I've had some problems with that group before and was not comfortable going out with everyone. I still like you. Can we get a coffee and chat?"

Or idk maybe it's not a friendship worth working at. But I've lost many friends over the years, and wish I would've maintained them. Good friends make my life much more enjoyable. Took me many years to relize I need to put in effort, keep contact or they fade away.

I had a little freak out recently because a woman I've become close friends with was not "liking" my pics posted on FB. I decided that she hated me and I hated her. But then the next day she did "like" a couple of my pics. So I analyzed my thought process and guess I overreacted. Glad I hadn't acted on my initial hurt feelings and Unfriended & blocked her. Not sure yet if I'll tell her some version story of what I went through. Don't want to scare her away yaknow?

We did an enneagram workshop together - and we are both 4's the Emotional Personality. Enneagram seems to be a pretty good topic with a new friend to see if they know their personality type. And a good opener if you're a 4 like me to say, "I'm all heart, sensitive, emotional - internalize & analyze everything.." Etc. I like it, it's helped me get to know people & open up in a "socially acceptable" way. (I hate rules and social acceptance! But I want friends.

I do hope you're doing ok. Did you decide to go to work? (I can't make it to work today. Hiding in bed)

So I'm trying to understand Splitting... I don't have a T right now, can't afford it with my kids T's & all other medical bills.

Can you guys explain Splitting more? And how to deal with it? Is it like black & white thinking? I think I do that.

Thanks

Hi BlueInanna

I didn't go into work today as it's a bank holiday here in UK. I've decided to go in tomorrow and try to get through the week then take stock of any setbacks on the weekend.

My friend probably wouldn't have noticed any difference in my behavioiur on Friday as I'm pretty quiet usually anyway so don't think I'll mention it as could make an issue out of something that so far had been contained in my head.

As for splitting, my understanding of it is it's black and white thinking. We sometimes see people as all good and then suddenly and abruptly split to all bad when we sense rejection or they remind us of something bad that happened in the past. I'm trying to learn that everything is grey, that nobody is black or white (all good / all bad), old habits are hard to break though and sometimes the emotions take hold and make such rational thinking difficult in the heat of the moment.

Hope you're feeling better tomorrow.

Thanks Harmacy, that does help. So I'm glad I stopped my initial reaction with my new friend. Thought to myself I'm possibly overreacting , thought about the consequences of ending this real life friendship I'd been yearning. There is still something I don't trust, hopefully I'm wrong. I want to have a life and girlfriends.

Hope all goes well at work

It's so hard to do...I mean seeing in shades of grey rather than black or white. If I see one thing I don't like I cast them away until I get my head right. It's like a voice inside my head telling me 'I told you so'. The thing is, I expect ppl to accept me, good and bad, and not judge me but I don't do the same for others. I am soo one sided. Trying to work on it but it's fricking hard!