[Edda]

It actually hit me like a sledge hammer...

I have been quite aware of my black and white thinking for some time and frankly I can't see it change - people are either amazing or an abomination. No surprise there but while someone I love and trust can turn into my worst enemy if they hurt me, it never, EVER works the other way round!

I guess I'm talking about significant people in my life - I'm not saying that I'm unable to overcome prejudice.

What I'm saying is that - fundamentally - I am unable to forgive, unable to forget.

I'm shocked. It feels like some gruesome disability or being downright evil and even cursed.

Still, this IS my reality. I cannot recall one single instant where I was able to restore a loving, supportive friendship/relationship with anyone who hurt me. I loath them, genuinely and deep in my heart I wish harm to them.

Does this make me a bad person? Oh, don't answer that... :/

Any thoughts?

Edda

[allme]

Well I am the same in that respect! It's to protect us from getting hurt by them again I guess or maybe something more, I don't know. I am sure a more well put together member will enlighten you.... I am just good for a hug lol

Originally Posted by Edda

It actually hit me like a sledge hammer...

I have been quite aware of my black and white thinking for some time and frankly I can't see it change - people are either amazing or an abomination. No surprise there but while someone I love and trust can turn into my worst enemy if they hurt me, it never, EVER works the other way round!

I guess I'm talking about significant people in my life - I'm not saying that I'm unable to overcome prejudice.

What I'm saying in that - fundamentally - I am unable to forgive, unable to forget.

I'm shocked. It feels like some gruesome disability or being downright evil and even cursed.

Still, this IS my reality. I cannot recall one single instant where I was able to restore a loving, supportive friendship/relationship with anyone who hurt me. I loath them, genuinely and deep in my heart I wish harm to them.

Does this make me a bad person? Oh, don't answer that... :/

Any thoughts?

Edda

They way I look at forgiving is this: If I don't forgive someone that hurt me, and I'm not talking right away forgive while the pain is fresh, but after the pain subsides forgive. If I don't forgive them, I'm giving the free rent in my head, and my heart.

Forgiveness is not about them. It's not for the other party to feel good. Forgiveness is the final act of us letting go of our pain and our hurt. We, in my opinion, cannot move forward, unless we let go of our past. Try driving your car when the bumper is tied to a big rock, you aren't going to go anywhere, but untie (forgive) the rope from your bumper, and your car shoots forward.

Forgiveness is about growth. It's about moving on. It's about letting go. I held a lot of hate in my heart at times in my life, but the only person I was making miserable was me. It used a lot of energy to maintain that hurt and anger, and hate, but once I finally realized what I was doing, and how much it was hurting me, I let it go.

Is it easy? Hell no!!! But it was something that I had to do.

I hope you can take something away from this. I know I can get long winded, but it is what it is. I do wish you the peace of letting go Edda.

Always

Jeffro

Doesn't make you a bad person. It means you hold grudges and have a hard time forgiving. Just as you said. A bad person would follow through and harm others.. a truly bad person would do it without any animosity toward the other person and harm others out of sheer entertainment. I don't think you do any of that

[shezbut]

Hi Edda,

It doesn't make you an evil person at all, no. It does, however, prolong your internal misery though.

I am stuck in that same process ~ at forgiveness. I can't do it. I want to let go of this pain, I need to let go, but I can't. I've let go of my entire family (parents, aunt, uncles, cousins) because it's too painful for me to see or talk with any of them. Kind of extreme? I don't know...maybe.

I think that forgiveness would help us with our lives a lot ~ but maybe we just aren't ready to do so.

Edda, and shez, for me it was a matter of survival. I was so eaten up w/ hate and resentment, that I wasn't really living and it was driving me to death. I couldn't live like that anymore. I hope that neither of you have to come to that point, but like I said forgiveness is about you, not them.

My first ex-wife explained it best to me. She put it this way: I'll never forget what you did, but I have forgiven you. She lived w/ an unmedicated me, and that wasn't any fun for anyone.

I hope that you both can come to terms w/ the things in your life. It will make a big difference.

But no matter what, I'm glad you are here, and I want to thank you for that.

Jeffro

[Edda]

Originally Posted by jeffro1972

They way I look at forgiving is this: If I don't forgive someone that hurt me, and I'm not talking right away forgive while the pain is fresh, but after the pain subsides forgive. If I don't forgive them, I'm giving the free rent in my head, and my heart.

Forgiveness is not about them. It's not for the other party to feel good. Forgiveness is the final act of us letting go of our pain and our hurt. We, in my opinion, cannot move forward, unless we let go of our past. Try driving your car when the bumper is tied to a big rock, you aren't going to go anywhere, but untie (forgive) the rope from your bumper, and your car shoots forward.

Forgiveness is about growth. It's about moving on. It's about letting go. I held a lot of hate in my heart at times in my life, but the only person I was making miserable was me. It used a lot of energy to maintain that hurt and anger, and hate, but once I finally realized what I was doing, and how much it was hurting me, I let it go.

Is it easy? Hell no!!! But it was something that I had to do.

I hope you can take something away from this. I know I can get long winded, but it is what it is. I do wish you the peace of letting go Edda.

Always

Jeffro

Thank you, all.

Jeffro, there is so much wisdom in your words and I have to agree, not being able to forgive is extremely destructive. I feel internally disfigured by the load of hurt and hate. It takes over, makes me react in bad, bad ways despite my own better judgement and it gradually cuts me off from everyone. Pretty much from society as a whole it seems.

I few things sprung into my mind. Going along with the image of the car bumper tied to a big rock - it occurred to me whether it IS about not wanting to let go; that maybe - in a twisted and hugely maladaptive way - I'm actually trying to hold onto what once was love. It is a scary thought but not impossible.

I agree, forgiveness is not about them. I still don't seem to be able to do it even many, many years after the pain has gone. Well... the pain never really goes away - that's the issue. That even when I am well and truly over it, have an objective picture of what happened and why and certainly never wish the same ties back again, I still look at those people with resentment, spite, disgust.

I think it is down to this inability to forgive that I am gradually losing the ability of bonding with new people. The social skills necessary to make friends, let alone finding love and a life partner. I am almost instantly judgmental and assume harmful motives. Most people "start out black" in my book and it didn't used to be this way.

I so wish I could let go. I really, really do! I would be a much healthier, happier person and certainly much more pleasant too. I wouldn't be so restricted. I just don't know how to do it. I really don't.

Edda