[Epiphany111]

Hello everyone. I have been gone for a while, so idk if anyone remembers me, but I'm back with a question.

I am trying to figure myself out, and things I normally ignore or use as an auto-response I am trying to understand. I feel like I fake empathy a lot. I accidentally step on someones toe, I apologize, but it is just so fake it is awful. Idk if they can tell, but it is annoying to do. Or if someone tells me something they are going through, I can only rarely really care. It's ****ing awful. But other times, I am just so distraught over the wars and over someone who lost their leg rock climbing, but idk if I can just understand that that would suck, or if I really care. And then other times, I will lash out at my bf or something and as soon as he has a reaction that shows he didn't like how I said or did something, I automatically feel bad but it is almost as if I feel bad because they reacted towards me and not because I hurt their feelings. I can tell when I do, and I try so hard to genuinely care, but idk if I really do.

I have borderline traits and was diagnosed with just bpd traits about three times since I was 14 (I am 21 now) because I don't have a full blown disorder because it only really affects my romantic relationships these days; however, my lack of connection to humanity is everywhere. But as I said before, it is either overbearingly heartbreaking for the dying children and people in wars, or I am just living my life in fear of having to have an emotional response to a real person.

What is wrong with me? Anyone else have this problem? Any ideas on what it could be? I am thinking I have NPD traits as well, but idk.

Thanks in advance. It is good to be back.

[anneo59]

welcome back. I would research and seek some med help if possible, Epiphany111, cuz I'm just not sure, but have heard that various personality disorders frequently manifest themselves with this type of symptom. Have a nephew that I've seen this with. I wish you well in your self care! Glad you're back and reached out!

[Epiphany111]

Thanks you! That was really nice.
Yeah, luckily I am in a stable position today, but I am curious. It may sound weird, but it kind of makes me feel sexy haha.

[Atypical_Disaster]

I'm a narcissist with some borderline traits, I can relate to some of this.

it is almost as if I feel bad because they reacted towards me and not because I hurt their feelings.

That sounds like how I react to things like that. If someone gets upset with me I get really angry/upset myself, but not because I hurt their feelings, it's because they reacted towards me in a way that I didn't like.

I fake empathy just about constantly because I don't feel it 98% of the time, the capability is deeply lodged in the back corners of my mind, but it hardly ever comes out.

I think the main difference between you and me is that I'm a lot more indifferent about my lack of empathy than you are. You seem to worry about it more, which most people would say is a good thing!

If empathy doesn't come naturally to you then I don't really see any problem with "faking" it. If you're not hurting anyone then why does it matter if it's "fake" or not?

[Epiphany111]

Hah I like you atypical_disaster.
Thanks for your input.
"That sounds like how I react to things like that. If someone gets upset with me I get really angry/upset myself, but not because I hurt their feelings, it's because they reacted towards me in a way that I didn't like." This part is totally true. It is a strange feeling. Quite the mix of bpd and npd on our end.

I think I've struggled with NPD traits, but never left myself acknowledge them. I have problems with not feeling like people are watching me because I am so unique and beautiful. It is so hard to say that because I have trained myself to not think that. I think I deny my thoughts of grandiosity, but it certainly shows up. I have lost friends because I always chose the side that was "right" even though all I was really doing was disregarding my friends emotions. Its kind of ******, but im slowly moving into a phase where it is less appealing to pretend so much.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Hah I like you atypical_disaster.
Thanks for your input.

You're welcome, and thank you!

I think I've struggled with NPD traits, but never left myself acknowledge them. I have problems with not feeling like people are watching me because I am so unique and beautiful. It is so hard to say that because I have trained myself to not think that. I think I deny my thoughts of grandiosity, but it certainly shows up. I have lost friends because I always chose the side that was "right" even though all I was really doing was disregarding my friends emotions. Its kind of ******, but im slowly moving into a phase where it is less appealing to pretend so much.

Taking off the "mask" and not pretending at least in a safe environment like here is worth it, trust me. I denied my NPD for a long time and it didn't do me any good. The more awareness you allow yourself, the better off you will be.

Originally Posted by Epiphany111

...because I don't have a full blown disorder because it only really affects my romantic relationships these days...

IN no way does this say that you dont' have "full blown bpd". Thing is this actually is not uncommon, since where bpd affects many of us the most is in the most intimate relationships. The closer you are to someone may make the traits of bpd come out more in those cases. In fact I have been dx'd with it but as of now I am busy being a single father and not attached romantically to anyone so I see very few of the traits manifesting much. When they do they aren't nearly as bad as when I'm involved with someone. Don't let it fool you.

[Edda]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I'm a narcissist with some borderline traits, I can relate to some of this.

That sounds like how I react to things like that. If someone gets upset with me I get really angry/upset myself, but not because I hurt their feelings, it's because they reacted towards me in a way that I didn't like.

I fake empathy just about constantly because I don't feel it 98% of the time, the capability is deeply lodged in the back corners of my mind, but it hardly ever comes out.

I think the main difference between you and me is that I'm a lot more indifferent about my lack of empathy than you are. You seem to worry about it more, which most people would say is a good thing!

If empathy doesn't come naturally to you then I don't really see any problem with "faking" it. If you're not hurting anyone then why does it matter if it's "fake" or not?

I think many people do know when empathy is fake. I personally find it breathtakingly disrespectful. I can't see how tricking a person into believing supportive yet dishonest words can be helpful.

If empathy doesn't come naturally then how about just not pretending it at all. I can accept and respect a self-aware, unemphatic narc but I shudder at the thought of being lied to. Especially when I'm vulnerable and someone pretends to care and be supportive.

[Epiphany111]

If many people know I'm faking, I'm screwed. I can't help it though. I really can't. Im a little offended by your comment because I clearly do not want to allow these traits to develop. I fight myself on a daily basis for all that is going on in my head; as everyone here does.

I don't think taht the faking part of empathy that is typically expressed here is really lying, it's more of a trying to be normal and like others. No one sets out to "act nice" to deceive another person or lie.

In addition there is not a soul on this earth that does not do this to some extent. Everyone fakes "nice" and caring at times. Sometimes we have to to get by in certain situations. Like an office party, you might really loathe your boss but do you show that in the office party or even in the office? no. Is this lying? Is it deceitful? no it's part of the social norms.

[Edda]

Originally Posted by Epiphany111

If many people know I'm faking, I'm screwed. I can't help it though. I really can't. Im a little offended by your comment because I clearly do not want to allow these traits to develop. I fight myself on a daily basis for all that is going on in my head; as everyone here does.

I am sorry if I offended you. That wasn't my intention. I know little about you and I replied to Atypical Disaster's comment that appeared to encourage "faking it". I respect your efforts and your wish to figure it all out.

[Edda]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I don't think taht the faking part of empathy that is typically expressed here is really lying, it's more of a trying to be normal and like others. No one sets out to "act nice" to deceive another person or lie.

In addition there is not a soul on this earth that does not do this to some extent. Everyone fakes "nice" and caring at times. Sometimes we have to to get by in certain situations. Like an office party, you might really loathe your boss but do you show that in the office party or even in the office? no. Is this lying? Is it deceitful? no it's part of the social norms.

That is true.

I personally find it hard to accept it though.
In fact, I simply cannot accept it. I recognize being an outlier on this. That does not make me wrong and does not make social norms right.

Originally Posted by Edda

That is true.

I personally find it hard to accept it though.
In fact, I simply cannot accept it. I recognize being an outlier on this.

yeah I understand but it is true.. I mean everyday in life you have to cope with people that many times just plain rub you the wrong way. but if everyone actually said what was on their mind, acted like they felt every minute of the day toward everyone, it would be mass chaos, you know?

[Edda]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

yeah I understand but it is true.. I mean everyday in life you have to cope with people that many times just plain rub you the wrong way. but if everyone actually said what was on their mind, acted like they felt every minute of the day toward everyone, it would be mass chaos, you know?

I disagree. Why would it be mass chaos?

People keep dogs because they are so starved for connection with beings that aren't in any way deceitful.

[Epiphany111]

It is understandable that you can understand it. I am just getting to the point where I am really acknowledging it, and it's hard.
I have incredible borderline empathy and read people, but also have this other crazy stuff in the background. I'm sorry for my comment; I didn't need to be offended.

[Edda]

Originally Posted by Epiphany111

It is understandable that you can understand it. I am just getting to the point where I am really acknowledging it, and it's hard.
I have incredible borderline empathy and read people, but also have this other crazy stuff in the background. I'm sorry for my comment; I didn't need to be offended.

Emotions are not debatable. If you felt offended you were offended and I'm sorry about that.

Originally Posted by Edda

I disagree. Why would it be mass chaos?

People keep dogs because they are so starved for connection with beings that aren't in any way deceitful.

Then we can disagree on this one.

[Edda]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Then we can disagree on this one.

Looks like it.

[Epiphany111]

Word.

Originally Posted by Epiphany111

Word.

number. .. . . .

[Luvmydog]

symbol, also known as Prince

[HealingNSuffering]

I believe lack of empathy is the result of an absent father, bad fathering, or bad relationship with the father figure. Lack of empathy is not only a narcissistic trait, it also comes with antisocial PD and BPD is commonly co-morbid with other PD's. my DX says Borderline but I also fit the following PD's as well: Antisocial, Paranoid, Schizotypal, Dependent. I have been abused by a narcissist for years in an unhealthy relationship, while I was with her I displayed some NPD traits. But that could just be part of the Chameleon in me.

I've been with several women who didn't know their father, or had their father pass away when they were babies and they all displayed narcissistic behaviors. Its completely 100% up to you if you want to answer, but did you have problems with your father or no father during your early childhood?

My theory is that whenever a parent is absent in a child's life the child takes on the role of the stereotype of what that parent was supposed to be. Aggressive and Callous behavior is the stereotype of a man. I have so many issues because I had a very dysfunctional family and both parents were often absent, abusive or neglectful.

Originally Posted by HealingNSuffering

I believe lack of empathy is the result of an absent father, bad fathering, or bad relationship with the father figure. Lack of empathy is not only a narcissistic trait, it also comes with antisocial PD and BPD is commonly co-morbid with other PD's. my DX says Borderline but I also fit the following PD's as well: Antisocial, Paranoid, Schizotypal, Dependent. I have been abused by a narcissist for years in an unhealthy relationship, while I was with her I displayed some NPD traits. But that could just be part of the Chameleon in me.

I've been with several women who didn't know their father, or had their father pass away when they were babies and they all displayed narcissistic behaviors. Its completely 100% up to you if you want to answer, but did you have problems with your father or no father during your early childhood?

My theory is that whenever a parent is absent in a child's life the child takes on the role of the stereotype of what that parent was supposed to be. Aggressive and Callous behavior is the stereotype of a man. I have so many issues because I had a very dysfunctional family and both parents were often absent, abusive or neglectful.

Although those factors related to fathers is surely something that can cause this, I'm curious, do you mean to say this is the definitive cause of lack of empathy? I am sure there are other factors and if one were brought up by a disconnected, distant mother it could easily result in the same thing.

[HealingNSuffering]

I never said definitive anywhere in my post Sandman.

Notice I wrote "I believe" and "My theory" which means........ *drum roll please*

Just as everything with mental health nobody knows for sure, not even those with a PHD in it.

Originally Posted by HealingNSuffering

I never said definitive anywhere in my post Sandman.

Notice I wrote "I believe" and "My theory" which means........ *drum roll please*

Just as everything with mental health nobody knows for sure, not even those with a PHD in it.

I take things literally which leads to many misunderstandings, so sorry for that but I did see you said "you believe". What I meant is that your leaving out that is one of the causes made it sound as if you were saying it was the only thing that causes this.

Clearly that's not what you meant.