[Angel of Bedlam]

I want to burst into tears. I want to throw things through walls and hurt everyone around me. I want to tell people I hate them because I feel it, but don't want to because I know I won't mean it once calm. I want to hurt myself and snap my spine.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[HealingNSuffering]

ashamed, hurting, lonely, bored, trying to recover from lots of careless things I did to myself over the last couple days. trying to pick up the pieces and not kick myself too hard for doing bad stuff that I know is wrong but doing it anyways because I don't listen to myself. I was talking way too much and feel like I probably scared everybody I talked to by saying all kinds of crazy stuff, even tho they gave me respect for doing something about all my problems, everybody knows I'm a head case now.

[Aventurine]

I am hungover and depressed. I only party once a week but the depression I feel the next day doesn't help.. I always need hugs when I am hung over, I might hug my son.... I have had too much coffee... I want to push the fast forward button on my life..What a crazy thing to want?!.. I am taking offspring to watch The Hunger Games, Catching Fire..

[Gingersnapsmom]

Working all day. I hope I can get a new job soon. I have been doing this "hospital runner" job for almost 4 years and working standing and walking and crap on cement all day is really starting to be a pain in the you-know-what. I spend all of my day off recovering from the stiffness :P Actually I am okay today. My brother's chemo is becoming pretty terrible tho and I don't believe he will be around next Christmas. I had no idea when I was a kid that life would be all about loss and more loss when I become an "adult." I had no idea I was this strong...huh.

[HealingNSuffering]

Ugh, today has been a mix of busy and boredom. I hate how lonely I feel, I need to make new friends. Family & current friends don't cut it for me, I need to stay away from all those old friends if I want to get clean. Its giving me too many opportunities to relapse hanging out with the same old friends who are still using. Using makes me feel very ashamed and is screwing with my mood. Making life more of a roller coaster than it already is.

[Aphrodites_Muse]

Hating myself for constantly pushing the only good thing out of my life. I desparately need her in my life, but I feel selfish for asking her to put up with one more second of me. I may have to live with this disorder, but she has a choice. To her, I'm not openly expressing our relationship to others well enough. To me, I've learned not to involve too many others in my personal business...that's how things end up screwy. Idk what to do...hating the constant suicidal thoughts, especially knowing I don't have the guts to do it...so I lie around aimlessly waiting for death to claim me.

[Maranara]

Feeling trapped by my own emotions. They will forever hold me captive and not loosen their grip enough to matter. The next four or five days are going to be near impossible.

[lynn808]

Am terrified about holiday. I have to cook all this food and then feed people over b/f moms place. She is in rehab for her arm and leg at retirement home. It will be good for her to be in her apartment, but will be hard for her to go back to rehab center. I have not even shopped yet and feel so unprepared. Head is racing and spinning. How will I do this?? Want to run away and hide.....

Another week at my parents house...it's going better than i thought but i'm craving a bit of independence again. I just want test results, it's unnatural to keep on living in limbo. Whine over.

Originally Posted by lynn808

Am terrified about holiday. I have to cook all this food and then feed people over b/f moms place. She is in rehab for her arm and leg at retirement home. It will be good for her to be in her apartment, but will be hard for her to go back to rehab center. I have not even shopped yet and feel so unprepared. Head is racing and spinning. How will I do this?? Want to run away and hide.....

ONe thing at a time hun, one thing at a time. Don't think about the entire event all at once. Break it down, what needs to be done first? Shopping? Ok so break that down too. Isolate your thinking so that it's not everything you have to do but a checklist leading up to it. You'll be fine if you handle it this way. It's not easy but it's key to getting through this

Hope this helps.
S4

[lynn808]

one thing at a time.....nice thought...wonder if I can do that....am always doing many things at the same time....hmmmmm
thanks for the advise.... I may have to practice just that thought to get through...thanks!!!

[Maranara]

Having a pretty good day, which is a bit surprising to me with the holidays and people not being around. Practicing mindfulness all day long.

Trying to find myself, be assertive, believe in myself and my feelings. I'm doing well today; can't promise it will continue in to tomorrow but anything is progress.

[duende]

I'm off today. Trying to just "hang out" with the overwhelming stuff when it comes. I've said and done some things I've regretted. It is what it is...it was what it was, lol. I have successfully resisted some urges to do really stupid stuff. Now I'm just practicing some beginning mindfulness skills. I just want to send out some happy your way (anyone who reads this). So, yeah. I'm feeling generally determined. I'm telling my body, mind...all of me..remember how this feels!

[MercilessShadow]

Having lots of up and downs today... been dreaming about my T a lot lately. And of course my dad has made it his mission today to push my buttons.

[Maranara]

Spent way too much time on here today. The way I usually spend a lot of my time isn't possible because of the holiday. Still...not in a bad mood, but it's definitely time to break away. Can feel the nagging feeling that will only get worse if I don't....

Coming here to distract. I'm so hurt and upset. He is being so mean and hurtful. I'm trying very hard not to totally loose it.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk

[Maranara]

Yesterday was a very, very hard day. My mom texted my sister and told her how horrible I am and that I was no longer her daughter, and then I attempted to tell my sister what it was like growing up with my mom (she got married when I was 9) and was invalidated by her. It led to a series of severe flashbacks that took a few hours to control. I'm better today, but scared of reverting back...still very on edge.

[Jordy]

New here and having a bad day... a friend invited me out, but I know if I go it'll end badly... still all I can think about is going and getting drunk... wishing I could call my T, but too scared to do so...

[Maranara]

My mood has gotten better and I actually found myself teasing my son a little bit ago...he's not used to me being in a good mood.

Waiting for Crisis team to call me, Left a message for them almost 2 hours a go, They supposed to be available 24 hours a day, What a joke.

[HealingNSuffering]

Ridiculously boring day, nothing I did would entertain me and take that bored feeling away. I exercised for an hour, listened to music, tried reading but couldn't focus. I just felt bored, empty. Nothing I could do would take the boredom away, so I drank. Which is also boring, because I can't get drunk anymore, I think my mind state is permanently drunk, all alcohol does for me is attack my organs and make me hungry. But I did it anyways because being drunk sounded better than being bored, I couldn't drink the boredom away. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[Maranara]

Day off....been hit by a pretty strong bout of anxiety. Par for the course. See you PC later today or tomorrow. Got to break away....

[nycgal448]

hmmm... very isolated lately.

[Jordy]

I'm ok today... spending a couple hours with my horses really helped... can't believe I pretty much ignored them lately and haven't seem them for more than 5 minutes last month...

Don't worry though, both are retired and in very good hands. I would never harm harm them in any way, just can't muster the courage to groom them or play a little with them.

[allme]

Been away for a while....this place became too triggering but I miss it so thinking of coming back.

I am in a good place right now, struggling with addiction but other than that I have been out socialising and generally living an ok life.

Hope everyone here is ok