[atomicc]

I'm really scared my boyfriend is lying to me and talking to girls behind my back. I don't know if my fears are real or it's just my bpd. I never trust anyone and I'm always going back and forth with "he loves me" and "he hates you, you're awful and he's cheating on you".
He was up late texting someone last night who he said was his guy friend and he's lied to me before..gone behind my back. He'd never admit it if I brought it up, I'd have to catch him. I know you'll say I shouldn't be with him if he's hurt me but I can't handle being alone. I'd probably kill myself if I was..
I love him and I just hope that he can really love me..

[Fuzzybear]

Hi hun, I'm so sorry you're in pain . I personally would give him another chance....maybe he made a mistake and is sorry. It's a tough one though, from here I'm not sure what is the best thing for you to do Please be kind and gentle to self

First of all, I can relate.
The thing is that worrying constantly isn't going to change anything. Either he is cheating or he isn't. You'll just drive yourself insane playing the "what if" game.
If he's lied and cheated before, than your fears are valid. but thise kind of thing makes non's run in the oppisit direction from us. So my advice is pretend like it's not on your mind. Set a trap to catch him if you need that piece of mind. If the trap yealds nothing then you either need to forgive/trust, or you need to move on because it's gonna get ugly other wise.
Second of all, I know it feels like you can't be alone, but in actuality you can. It's called "tolerating the moment'", it's a DBT skill. It's easier said than done, but with repeted practice it can be pretty helpful. I know full well all about the painful in the chest please don't leave me alone feeling, it's overcomable.
Best of luck and I'm here if you need a friend.

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

First of all, I can relate.
The thing is that worrying constantly isn't going to change anything. Either he is cheating or he isn't. You'll just drive yourself insane playing the "what if" game.
If he's lied and cheated before, than your fears are valid. but thise kind of thing makes non's run in the oppisit direction from us. So my advice is pretend like it's not on your mind. Set a trap to catch him if you need that piece of mind. If the trap yealds nothing then you either need to forgive/trust, or you need to move on because it's gonna get ugly other wise.
Second of all, I know it feels like you can't be alone, but in actuality you can. It's called "tolerating the moment'", it's a DBT skill. It's easier said than done, but with repeted practice it can be pretty helpful. I know full well all about the painful in the chest please don't leave me alone feeling, it's overcomable.
Best of luck and I'm here if you need a friend.

The sad thing is I know all of what you're saying is true. I know I can be alone if I tried. I know I push people away with my constant what ifs and please don't leave me. It's so hard to stop..dbt is great, I'm reading a book on it. I just have far too much going on to commit myself to really really getting myself under control. So till then I'll do as you suggested and just try and think of something else.

Originally Posted by atomicc

The sad thing is I know all of what you're saying is true. I know I can be alone if I tried. I know I push people away with my constant what ifs and please don't leave me. It's so hard to stop..dbt is great, I'm reading a book on it. I just have far too much going on to commit myself to really really getting myself under control. So till then I'll do as you suggested and just try and think of something else.

Believe me, I do understand. I drove both friends and boyfriend's away with the "what if" game and being so needy.
My old DBT therapist told me that if I did something like gripping ice cubes or some other stimuli to help me tolerate the moment, that it would pas. and he was right. Again, easier said than done though I know.
With enough practice you can make that BPD voice considerably less loud. It will probably never shut up completely, but I know I'm amazed at how much I've learned to put mine in check. I used to be jealous of my best friend making other friends or any perceived threat to our friendship. I'm not that way any longer and those paranoid jealous thoughts rarely come now. When they do they're a lot easier to ignore.
Have you heard of DBT self help? it's great for those on the go like you.

[allme]

Until you know for sure, there is no point in torturing yourself. During my early 20's, with my husband, I was so insecure about our relationship, aswell as myself, and tortured my head about him being with someone else. You have to try and take him at face value.....nothing good will come out of doing your own head in about it. If it happens, you will deal with it, you really will but for now, enjoy what you have and until he gives you real cause for concern, try and put those fears aside.

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Believe me, I do understand. I drove both friends and boyfriend's away with the "what if" game and being so needy.
My old DBT therapist told me that if I did something like gripping ice cubes or some other stimuli to help me tolerate the moment, that it would pas. and he was right. Again, easier said than done though I know.
With enough practice you can make that BPD voice considerably less loud. It will probably never shut up completely, but I know I'm amazed at how much I've learned to put mine in check. I used to be jealous of my best friend making other friends or any perceived threat to our friendship. I'm not that way any longer and those paranoid jealous thoughts rarely come now. When they do they're a lot easier to ignore.
Have you heard of DBT self help? it's great for those on the go like you.

Yeah, I'm exactly like that. I have had it under control for a long time but with the loss of my best friend issues I thought conquered are coming back. I do have a dbt workbook and my therapist and I are working on it. I really am trying. I know it'll always be part of my personality but I have gotten so much better. I'm just in a rut this minute. My.Zoloft helps. right now I'm in my "**** him, he's horrible and I can be just fine. I'm not giving him any satisfaction" mood. I'll be very distant today. Then I'll probably cry.
He's used to this. It's three years next month.

Originally Posted by atomicc

Yeah, I'm exactly like that. I have had it under control for a long time but with the loss of my best friend issues I thought conquered are coming back. I do have a dbt workbook and my therapist and I are working on it. I really am trying. I know it'll always be part of my personality but I have gotten so much better. I'm just in a rut this minute. My.Zoloft helps. right now I'm in my "**** him, he's horrible and I can be just fine. I'm not giving him any satisfaction" mood. I'll be very distant today. Then I'll probably cry.
He's used to this. It's three years next month.

I can tell you that the fact that he did lie/cheat really doesn't help the progress you're trying to make.
I say this because my ex-husband never cheated that I know of, but I always thought he did. So even when the fear is unfounded it can be hard. Much more when the fear is somewhat founded I'd imagine.