[atomicc]

This is something I've asked myself many times before finding this forum. I don't know the answer, which is probably the answer in itself. I've felt bouts of joy or excitement. I've even felt contentment for a day or two. But have I truly felt that I was happy for long periods of time? No. I don't think I ever have, not just since realizing I was different than other kids, but ever. I remember being a young child, five or six, and pushing my friends away then begging them not to leave me. At five. I couldn't control my emotions. I always fantasized and told every one I'd leave the school and then I'd have anxiety attacks where I'd cry and whisper things to myself.
I don't think I've ever been normal and I don't think I've ever felt happy. There is always an emptiness inside me. There is always something I feel I do not have.
Does anyone else with BPD feel like this? Do you remember ever being actually happy?

[manwithnofriends]

(probably in no position to say this cause I'm not diagnosed with borderline but) Your boyfriend is lucky to have you as a partner

[allme]

Hey

I remember feeling 'ok' for short stints and have felt happy for a day or two at a time but I don't remember having a long period of feeling happy.

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by allme

Hey

I remember feeling 'ok' for short stints and have felt happy for a day or two at a time but I don't remember having a long period of feeling happy.

Yes, I feel that too. Something always develops in my head that makes me unhappy. Every time I think I'm happy some little worm of doubt will burrow it's way in and convince me I am truly unloved and unhappy.

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

(probably in no position to say this cause I'm not diagnosed with borderline but) Your boyfriend is lucky to have you as a partner

Why do you say that?

[allme]

Originally Posted by atomicc

Yes, I feel that too. Something always develops in my head that makes me unhappy. Every time I think I'm happy some little worm of doubt will burrow it's way in and convince me I am truly unloved and unhappy

Yeah it sucks. I look back and all I see is pain and torment. Sometimes because of life events and others because, well, nothing really but I was still unhappy. I have had periods of feeling 'high' but it's not a real sustainable happiness. Nor does it end well.

I too have those doubts that come in and usually sabotage any happy feelings I have.

Sending you hugs

[hawaii04]

Good question. My T asked me to think back to a time in my life when I felt happy. I thought long and hard. Other than moments of being ecstatic about, say, a new b/f or happy in buying some new clothes . . things like that, no, I have never really felt happy. In between I was eh, ok. As a child I was made to keep things to myself, never shown how to talk about emotions; I wasn't really allowed to have any feelings of my own and certainly not shown how to appropriately express emotions.
As you said, it always felt/feels like something is missing ~ a void that says keep searching and the one that continues to come up at least somewhat empty and unsure. I am so disappointed by this as I don't feel at all 'whole.' I have always looked externally for things/people to make me happy. impulsively I would go and get some sort of FIX and then it would end until the next time. I feel I need to keep looking within myself . . . but I am still at a loss at exactly what it is I am supposed to be searching for. More recently I feel I need to keep looking for ME . . . the one I seemed to have lost, and yet the one that I have never really known.

[greentires4me]

I don't think i have ever been truly happy since most people describe happiness in different forms and ways. I have been euphoric once or twice, but its strange how it feels like I hit the best wave of my life, has ever been like that. But I truly wish I had more friends its like they all got up and walked away from me. Or I have grown to dislike them.

[@nonymous]

Yes, I have. I am generally happy despite my circumstances.

Yes I do, all the time.

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

As you said, it always felt/feels like something is missing ~ a void that says keep searching and the one that continues to come up at least somewhat empty and unsure. I am so disappointed by this as I don't feel at all 'whole.' I have always looked externally for things/people to make me happy. impulsively I would go and get some sort of FIX and then it would end until the next time. I feel I need to keep looking within myself . . . but I am still at a loss at exactly what it is I am supposed to be searching for. More recently I feel I need to keep looking for ME . . . the one I seemed to have lost, and yet the one that I have never really known.

Yes, exactly. This is the same for me. My happiness tends to depend entirely on other people. Whether it's them taking care of me or me taking care of them. I can only be happy then.
I do feel good. There's good days...but it's not a constant state. never

[technigal]

There are 4 days that I can remember being truly happy: my wedding day, the day I found out that Robbie was on his way, the day Robbie was born and the day I found out that I was pregnant with Bailey (which happened to be the anniversary of my dad's death). I wish there was the fifth day of Bailey's birth included in the list.

There are lots of days where things were good and I was not feeling depressed but never for more then a few days at a time.

Yes I feel the way you do. I was also as young as 4 or 5 the first time I can remember realizing something was not right with me. Other kids didn't wanna play with me and I knew in my heart I didn't belong, but just not the reason why. I believed I was a monster until I was 20 when I was finally diagnosed with BPD and major Depression.
I've had periods where things are pretty stable and I feel content, but I've never been truly happy either.
DBT has provided me some coping skills, but not the full set I'd like since I flunked out 8 months in.

[dubblemonkey]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Yes I feel the way you do. I was also as young as 4 or 5 the first time I can remember realizing something was not right with me. Other kids didn't wanna play with me and I knew in my heart I didn't belong, but just not the reason why. I believed I was a monster until I was 20 when I was finally diagnosed with BPD and major Depression.
I've had periods where things are pretty stable and I feel content, but I've never been truly happy either.
DBT has provided me some coping skills, but not the full set I'd like since I flunked out 8 months in.

I get it ...I see you...

Of course i've felt something akin to contentment but whichever way we define happiness i guess the only definite answer i can give personally is that i'm clearly not cut out for what appears to be the standard meaning of the word...

Hope you find your own answers.

[poptart316]

I remember being truly happy as a very young child, I have happy memories from that time and I look at pictures and can see that I was happy, I looked happy.. like you could see it in my eyes, it was like a light was there and I was beaming with confidence. Then around about the time I was 4-5 my mom left her fiance who was like a dad to me, I adored him and he was included in all of my happy memories. My mom left him to marry some abusive-alcoholic asshole and I didn't like him so she left me to be raised with my grandparents and she was only a "mother" to me when it was convenient for her. I was heartbroken and have been depressed ever since, I remember all too vividly waking up every morning being really tired and having no motivation, I used to wear sweat pants/shirts because they were easy to put on and some pink boots because I didn't want to die my shoes and I didn't brush my hair or teeth. Kids were really mean to me, I think they could sense that I was depressed and so they rejected and bullied me.. my life has been a troubled one. Although there was period in 2012 where I felt fairly "content"- not exactly happy but I had broken up with someone and just felt very free and oddly confident and stopped caring about what others thought and was doing what I needed to for myself.. although it completely disappeared around Christmas and I've been depressed ever since.

I suppose I would have to say yes... those first few days/weeks when you think you are falling in love.

But beyond that - no. I think I (and probably most of us) *just exist*. Without any positive feelings. Even with my two daughters were born.... I was not even remotely excited.

Sometimes I really wonder if I am real.... If maybe I did die a long time ago and "this" is all within my dead imagination. Almost like Bruce Willis (without the looks or money) in "The Sixth Sense".

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

I suppose I would have to say yes... those first few days/weeks when you think you are falling in love.

But beyond that - no. I think I (and probably most of us) *just exist*. Without any positive feelings. Even with my two daughters were born.... I was not even remotely excited.

Sometimes I really wonder if I am real.... If maybe I did die a long time ago and "this" is all within my dead imagination. Almost like Bruce Willis (without the looks or money) in "The Sixth Sense".

I often feel that EXACT same way. I think I'm dead and this is just my mind easing me into death...

Originally Posted by atomicc

I often feel that EXACT same way. I think I'm dead and this is just my mind easing me into death...

Good Lord - if this is my *mind*.... could it at least give me better hair???

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

Good Lord - if this is my *mind*.... could it at least give me better hair???

and perhaps married to Brad Pitt?!

Originally Posted by atomicc

and perhaps married to Brad Pitt?!

Definitely not!!! (cuz I am a guy). Now if you had said Jennifer Aniston - that would be a different story..

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

Definitely not!!! (cuz I am a guy). Now if you had said Jennifer Aniston - that would be a different story..

Ohh..I want her too. She just keeps getting better with age.

[FaithlessCat]

I have a huge and genuine fear of being Happy, I feel if I am happy something bad will happen . I do have days when I am in a positive mood but truly and comfortably happy ? ( minus anxiety or worry ) No ... I don't think so.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by atomicc

I often feel that EXACT same way. I think I'm dead and this is just my mind easing me into death...

That is exactly how I fee!

I do quite often. It's a fleeting thing but something that I have learned to accept. On the flipside, so is depression, it's not a static thing, joy, happiness, sadness and depression, it all comes and goes. Frankly, I'm thankful for my moods, every one of them.

[Fuzzybear]

.....