Hello, I am totally new here (I hope I'm doing this right...).

I joined because I believe that I have been misdiagnosed with bipolar II, but find that a lot of the published information online that distinguishes bipolar and BPD is vague and general, so am hoping for some person-to-person, real-life thoughts and opinions. I would also like to add that I am not searching for a diagnoses to label myself with, only to direct my therapy in a more useful direction (haven't talked to her about BPD yet).

I'll try to be as brief as possible, but here is my situation:

I am 27, female, in my 7th year of a PhD program in the humanities/arts. While working furiously on my dissertation for the past 2 years, it has basically come to embody very deep issues I now realize I've had since as long as I can remember: most importantly, an overwhelming sense of having no 'foundation' or core or personal 'history.' This became really evident as I tried to sustain a thesis over a long period of time...causing me extreme emotional and psychological crises along the way (resulting in cutting, drinking etc.). I generally feel like all that I am are my ideas and thoughts, yet in a strange way it's as if they aren't mine, and could change at any second (and do, which is why I'm so behind on my work, though I am at it all day/everyday). While I've been diagnosed with bipolar II and OCD (which I definitely have), I very strongly believe that I am not bipolar, as I identify much more with the way people describe BPD, for example:

- history of cutting, reckless/dangerous sex
- history of violence towards others as a means of coping with rage - beginning as early as 2 I had a biting/scratching problem, which turned into biting/hitting when I was older, especially when I felt I was being ignored/abandoned (although I haven't been violent in the past 2 years)
- semi-authentic suicide attempts to get attention, or when someone broke up with me
- extreme moods that can fluctuate in a matter of minutes (though these days I don't experience rage as much as irritability)
- mistrust of others, at times leading to paranoid thoughts that a friend or partner is trying to poison me, or is conspiring to betray me
- extreme fear of being betrayed/jealousy
- at the same time, periods of extreme ambivalence or even disgust towards my partner or friends, which leads me to feel completely unattached and like not only do I not know them at all, but I don't care if I ever see them again
- problems with object constancy
- history of debilitating panic disorder (not any more)
- history of OCD
- fall in love instantly/obsessively and then get bored really easily
-sense that I am an actor or somehow 'fake'

However, while I identify very strongly with the sense of being somehow incomplete, or made up by my activities and not an actual self, I no longer find myself depressed for more than a couple hours at a time. This usually results in me acting (very uncharacteristically) like a 3 year old crumpled up sobbing and cutting myself on the bathroom floor, but then it just totally vanishes. The rest of the time I am just anxious, irritable, but also very 'full of life' (especially if my writing is going well). In other words, I don't feel like I'm oppressed by sadness, but when I pause, or if something goes wrong, it's like a total existential crisis...inevitably no matter how good things are, they never seem to build towards anything (within myself or between people) - it's like all that matters is what's happening at that very moment - it doesn't exist in relation to anything else, which leads to the feeling of extreme inner-instability. Maybe this is why I'm always moving and changing what I'm doing - I don't even know what calm looks like.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the rambling - would love to hear from anyone who knows they have BPD, as I am still unsure what my underlying issue is, and therefore how to go about getting better.

Thanks in advance for your patience!

[MoxieDoxie]

I stopped reading your post at ...... 7th year of PhD......I am 46 and have been to college for 4 different things and have taken different courses on so many different subjects...ordered brochures in different careers like massage therapy....nail technician.......my identity issues is the core of my BPD. I am all over the place with what I am suppose to do and who I am suppose to be.

There is a wide spectrum also for BPD to mild to sever and not everyone exhibits all the same symptoms and Bipolar can be accompanied with BPD. At least BP is treated with medication. There is no medication for BPD unless depression and Bulimia needs to be treated.

Go for a second opinion then. You have that right......not sure why you would want to be labeled as BPD.

[Maranara]

I'm willing at some point to get in chat and talk about BPD with you. It sounds like BPD to me but I'm not an expert.

I will say this: BPD and bipolar are very similar but with two main differences. With BPD, your moods change much, much faster. You can literally go through several extreme moods in a matter of minutes, while with bipolar, they last much longer....days, sometimes weeks. Also, with BPD, there is always an underlying reason for the mood change. It can be something subtle that you don't pick up on instantly: a song on the radio, the look someone gives you, or something someone says. With bipolar, there is no overt reason for the change though the emotions can be influenced so some degree by things happening around you. Therefore, meds generally work for bipolar though it sometimes takes a bit to come up with the right ones, while they don't have the same effect with BPD. Some BPD's DO take meds to take off the edge, but meds will not ultimately "cure" it. The only way to truly affect BPD is by changing and reprogramming your mind to think differently. BPD's never learned how to regulate their emotions. For many of us, we were told when young that our emotions didn't mean anything or that we didn't have the right to feel what we feel, so we never learned how to control them....

Also, quite a few are diagnosed with both.....

what you describe is EXACTLY why I don't think I have bipolar. My mood can change from minute to minute sometimes - just the other night my boyfriend had a 'left over' smile on his face from a few seconds ago but I was already on to the next feeling and got mad at him for not taking me seriously...

Also, like you say, it's always related to something that's going on - usually a little gesture or word or name that reminds of something. I've never been in the same mood for even an entire day I think - they just get rounded up or down to good/bad days. I was put on depakote when I was 15 but stopped almost right away. The reason I joined the forum is because I was recently given abilify, but I just know that bipolar isn't the issue, which isn't to say i'm sure it's BPD either, but I don't feel comfortable with experimenting on my brain with the wrong medication...

I have been going to therapy for anxiety/OCD stuff and I definitely feel like it has helped with certain things, but there is still this general sense of chaos lurking just beneath the surface, together with the feeling of not really knowing who I am/feeling unreal at times.

I would like to talk to you more in a chat, how does that happen?

[technigal]

Originally Posted by thepterodactyl

what you describe is EXACTLY why I don't think I have bipolar. My mood can change from minute to minute sometimes - just the other night my boyfriend had a 'left over' smile on his face from a few seconds ago but I was already on to the next feeling and got mad at him for not taking me seriously...

Also, like you say, it's always related to something that's going on - usually a little gesture or word or name that reminds of something. I've never been in the same mood for even an entire day I think - they just get rounded up or down to good/bad days. I was put on depakote when I was 15 but stopped almost right away. The reason I joined the forum is because I was recently given abilify, but I just know that bipolar isn't the issue, which isn't to say i'm sure it's BPD either, but I don't feel comfortable with experimenting on my brain with the wrong medication...

I have been going to therapy for anxiety/OCD stuff and I definitely feel like it has helped with certain things, but there is still this general sense of chaos lurking just beneath the surface, together with the feeling of not really knowing who I am/feeling unreal at times.

I would like to talk to you more in a chat, how does that happen?

I definitely have BPD and not bipolar and I am on Abilify. I think there are quite a few on it and it is supposed to help with BPD.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by thepterodactyl

I would like to talk to you more in a chat, how does that happen?

I apologize...I've been trying to not spend much time on here...I have issues if I spend too much time, and I just saw this. PM me and we'll work it out. I'll send you something now as well.

[lynn808]

Its how I feel all the time...like a teeter totter....quick and uneven all the time....not long periods of equal......feeling like running fast while standing still....and so tired from it all

[Side of the Angels]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I stopped reading your post at ...... 7th year of PhD......I am 46 and have been to college for 4 different things and have taken different courses on so many different subjects...ordered brochures in different careers like massage therapy....nail technician.......my identity issues is the core of my BPD. I am all over the place with what I am suppose to do and who I am suppose to be.

There is a wide spectrum also for BPD to mild to sever and not everyone exhibits all the same symptoms and Bipolar can be accompanied with BPD. At least BP is treated with medication. There is no medication for BPD unless depression and Bulimia needs to be treated.

Go for a second opinion then. You have that right......not sure why you would want to be labeled as BPD.

Not sure she said she wanted to BE labeled anything, it sounds to me as if they just want an answer for some unexplained behaviors. It certainly a relief to me to hear that some of the strange things I feel and do have a reason behind them, a cause and a SOLUTION. What is the root of certain things... and if it is indeed BPD an array of medications are available to treat certain debilitating symptoms,(though none specifically formulated for BPD) irrational thinking, obsessions, delusions, anxiety, self-harm (yes there is a specific med used for that) impulsive actions, etc.

[Side of the Angels]

Originally Posted by thepterodactyl

I very strongly believe that I am not bipolar, as I identify much more with the way people describe BPD, for example:

- history of cutting, reckless/dangerous sex
- history of violence towards others as a means of coping with rage - beginning as early as 2 I had a biting/scratching problem, which turned into biting/hitting when I was older, especially when I felt I was being ignored/abandoned (although I haven't been violent in the past 2 years)
- semi-authentic suicide attempts to get attention, or when someone broke up with me
- extreme moods that can fluctuate in a matter of minutes (though these days I don't experience rage as much as irritability)
- mistrust of others, at times leading to paranoid thoughts that a friend or partner is trying to poison me, or is conspiring to betray me
- extreme fear of being betrayed/jealousy
- at the same time, periods of extreme ambivalence or even disgust towards my partner or friends, which leads me to feel completely unattached and like not only do I not know them at all, but I don't care if I ever see them again
- problems with object constancy
- history of debilitating panic disorder (not any more)
- history of OCD
- fall in love instantly/obsessively and then get bored really easily
-sense that I am an actor or somehow 'fake'

However, while I identify very strongly with the sense of being somehow incomplete, or made up by my activities and not an actual self, I no longer find myself depressed for more than a couple hours at a time. This usually results in me acting (very uncharacteristically) like a 3 year old crumpled up sobbing and cutting myself on the bathroom floor, but then it just totally vanishes. The rest of the time I am just anxious, irritable, but also very 'full of life'

Hi. I was diagnosed Bipolar II a few years ago ALONG with BPD. I left that specific doc because my original diagnosis of BPII was too much in itself. I didnt know what BPD was 3 years ago and I didnt care, all I knew was i didnt have it. Ive spent the last 3 years trying to figure out why the hell so many of my symptoms do not match other bipolar sufferers... mainly my personal relationships. The rage. the constant irritability. Then like a switch, it's all good again. Not many bipolars react the way i do... not even rapid cyclers. So I went to a different doc... this time actually wanting an answer. I got it and so much of my life makes sense. I understand why you need this... if you have this.. this thing, then you have a reason for whatever you currently do not have an answer for. An answer goes a long way. A SOLUTION goes a helluva lot further. There is treatment for BPD and that is probably the reason I'm not locked up right now. I could not go on knowing that this is how I was going to be forever. I am going to get better at least from this illness. I hope u find another doctor soon. Let us know please?