losing hope... ..::triggering::..

I’m tired because it has been so long, so many years of fighting, praying, cutting, screaming, crying, loving, hating and torturing myself… And nothing is better. I have done everything I am supposed to do, everything they tell you, the pills to take, the books to read, the prayers to say, the therapies, and here I am, all these years later… Suffering another day. It’s still there. Nothing makes it better, nothing makes it go away. But I keep waking up and trying again. Every day. Why do they tell us to keep going, keep fighting and that it will get better? I’m really tired now you guys. Really really tired.

The depressions are getting worse. The urges are getting stronger, the thoughts that were sporadic are getting pretty common... My symptoms, of all the crap that I have are too much... it's always something. Every feel I have is a symptom of something else. And I am not getting better. I am probably just writing this because I am in the midst of a terrible depression and it always feels as if theres no way out... I did start therapy... I usually have faith but Ive done this so so so many times before. IM DOING EVERYTHIN GIM SUPPOSED TO DO WTF IS THIS

I know what it's like but the feelings pass and this one will too. The absolute hardest thing about BPD is it's like you have multiple personalitites to a large degree. When you're happy, there's nothing better in the world, you're finally recovering, you won't slip so far again, how did you ever feel "that" way, etc; and when you're down you're suicidal, trapped, lost, nothing will ever feel right again, you'll never recover, etc....and those feelings can come only minutes, hours apart. It's absolutely horrible and I totally relate.

I mention this a lot and probably sound like a broken record, but the only thing that I have found that has helped me at all is mindfulness and meditation. It puts you in the present moment, somewhere we usually aren't....instead we are dwelling somewhere in the past or worrying about what may never happen. It is NOT a quick fix. It is A LOT of work. I have been at it for a year and a half, but if you try it with an open mind and really work at it, I believe that it will give almost all of us some relief.

Two resources: DBT Self Help. Go to the "Instant Mindfulness" section. These are short guided meditations that have relaxing images and music. Another is audiodharma.com. It also is filled with short meditations. Don't sit down and attempt to meditate for 20-30 minutes...it's not gonna happen. Try just a minute or two and build from there, plus, you may not "get it" right away. I am very prone to disassociation and the first several months I did it that's what I did...totally numbed out in to my own world.

If you'd like any additional resources, please, Toolesque or anyone, PM me. I really believe in this or I wouldn't be touting it so, and I want all of us to see a little light at the end of the tunnel now and then. I know how hard it is for all of us.

You're right, you're right, and I know it. The depressions are getting deeper and lasting longer and I'm having a harder time with them. I know it's part of this whole thing, it's what i do, i know I know... and as anyone can tell from any of my other posts, I am ususally very charged up about recovery, hopeful, even when I am struggling, that this is goign to get better. The darkness has taken hold the last 24 hrs and I cant see my way out. The bad thoughts are coming in and some actions as well. When I have time to myself tonight I can do the meditation thing, I have a house full of kids today Thank you for your words and resources that means a great great deal to me <3 <3 <3

I understand these feelings ans I'm so sorry you're enduring them. I usually get stuck feeling like everything that I do isn't good enough. That feeling of failure just snowballs and it gets worse and worse until I lose it, usually ending with SH. I used to cut, then I burned, and after getting rid of my blades and threats to be sent to the psyh ward, I've taken to scratching till I bleed. None of this is good. But it's like you told me, we're in this together and can do this.

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Even with the kids, go in to the bedroom or bathroom for just a minute or two, close your eyes and put your entire attention on your breathing. When your mind starts straying bring it back. Maybe it will ground you and offer a "second wind" to help you make it through the day.

I may be right, but I understand. We all do. The ups and downs with amnesia of one when you're in the midst of the other is one of the hardest things about BPD. It makes it so easy to lose hope, and that is something none of us can afford to do.