[Elektra_]

i wish...

... i was important

... i was special as i used to think

... i was special to someone

... i was loved by a man thing that never happened

... i had a friend i could count on and hang out

... my house wasnt this hell i live in

... i was able to have a job and feel im good at something

... my therapist would actually give a **** about me

... i could say im pretty awesome and not be just joking

... someone would miss me

... i could actually be happy

but im just this freak that would never be normal caz she had the worst parents ever and will never be loved, missed or matter at all

[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

i wish...

... i was important

... i was special as i used to think

... i was special to someone

... i was loved by a man thing that never happened

... i had a friend i could count on and hang out

... my house wasnt this hell i live in

... i was able to have a job and feel im good at something

... my therapist would actually give a **** about me

... i could say im pretty awesome and not be just joking

... someone would miss me

... i could actually be happy

but im just this freak that would never be normal caz she had the worst parents ever and will never be loved, missed or matter at all

Hi Electra,
I am sorry you're feeling this way. I do at times too . . . I'm trying to learn to live again.
You are here on PC, that shows you are important to yourself. I am sure others do care, yet at times we feel they don't. One thing at a time, step by step . . . you will get there.

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

Hi Electra,
I am sorry you're feeling this way. I do at times too . . . I'm trying to learn to live again.
You are here on PC, that shows you are important to yourself. I am sure others do care, yet at times we feel they don't. One thing at a time, step by step . . . you will get there.

hi thanks for replying. it isnt a feeling its reality.

[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

hi thanks for replying. it isnt a feeling its reality.

I understand. . . reality CAN change.

[atomicc]

I'm sorry that this is what you have to deal with. Hawaii is right, reality can change. I hope that it can for you and you're able to live a better love. lots of love coming your way

[Elektra_]

thanks to u both i just dont think my reality can change anymore.

You're not alone, I used to feel the way you do constantly. and a lot of the time I still do.
I tried substance abuse to quiet my self loathing filled, always active mind. Failed epicly. Now I just icelate. Sitting at home caring for my kids and on the computer or watching TV.
It can get better though, I promise. Things have gotten somewhat better for me.
and if you think your therapist doesn't care about you, you need a new therapist cuz that's not right.

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

You're not alone, I used to feel the way you do constantly. and a lot of the time I still do.
I tried substance abuse to quiet my self loathing filled, always active mind. Failed epicly. Now I just icelate. Sitting at home caring for my kids and on the computer or watching TV.
It can get better though, I promise. Things have gotten somewhat better for me.
and if you think your therapist doesn't care about you, you need a new therapist cuz that's not right.

the fact is this was my last chance to have a therapist since i cant afford one and this one is for free... so i cant change... ty

[Elektra_]

like 5 years ago at this season i had 1st guy ever interested in me... i was so happy... thing is was the worst thing that could have happened. he only wanted o **** me... lol i had waited so long for someone o notice me and he no even liked me. every time Christmas approaches i remember it... depressing

[Elektra_]

sooo hilarious... this chat i go has a lott of nuts people that make up many nicks just to screw with u.. so as im an idiot and trusted some now i have an asshole that goes to people pms o talk **** about me and give my name, skype and whatnot...
i sen an email o my T bu u think she even replied??? that ***** couldnt care less about me

[Elektra_]

ill talk o myself as usual

a person is only valuable if they are in good mood if they arent... **** they have leprosy.
im never a 1st choice. im just here o fill the gap if there isnt anyone better

[Love/Hate09]

Sorry you're feeling down. If it's any consolation I know how you feel. I seem to be the thread killer on most forums. As soon as I post something that seems to be the end of the thread and everyone stops postings. so having killed this thread for you (sorry) i'll clear off to bed and not kill anymore off. Hope you feel better soon.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

ill talk o myself as usual

a person is only valuable if they are in good mood if they arent... **** they have leprosy.
im never a 1st choice. im just here o fill the gap if there isnt anyone better

Sorry you are feeling so down.

[Bill3]

it isnt a feeling its reality

I suspect that there are feelings there as well. I suspect there are feelings of sadness, depression, worthlessness, emptiness. These feelings hurt, and I'm very sorry that you are hurting.

[Elektra_]

can someone just kill me please :´( im no cut for this.. i take what people say as how they feel and is all bulshit just ****ing bulshit. im no cut for this im just not :'(

[Side of the Angels]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

i wish...

... i was important

... i was special as i used to think

... i was special to someone

... i was loved by a man thing that never happened

... i had a friend i could count on and hang out

... my house wasnt this hell i live in

... i was able to have a job and feel im good at something

... my therapist would actually give a **** about me

... i could say im pretty awesome and not be just joking

... someone would miss me

... i could actually be happy

but im just this freak that would never be normal caz she had the worst parents ever and will never be loved, missed or matter at all

Remember, our brains lie to us at every turn, every chance it gets, our defective brains tell us things to destroy us AND THEY ARE NOT TRUE... we are conditioned to believe them, we are used to it, and it works for us. I have to remind myself many many times a day that what I am feeling is potentially, and more than likely, a lie from my brain. The hardest ones are the self-lies, the lies I hear and believe about my personally, I am fat, I am ugly, I try too hard, ppl don't actually like me, people lie to me... these are the daily struggles I have. I have to tackle each one individually and reassure myself that it is a lie, and affirm the truth. Some days I cannot find the truth and I am hoping that my new therapy will provide answers. This is what I can do for now and offer. Remember, we are not bad, we are good, we are sick and not bad, sick is not bad, if we can do something about it; we will not be this way forever if we want to change and can change, all is not lost, there is a solution (many, in fact) we are loved, we ARE important, useful, needed, counted on and good.

[Elektra_]

lol u cleary dont read me. I DONT HAVE FRIENDS NOR BF, AM I LOVED????????? DO I MATTER???????????

[River11]

Yes, whether or not you, we, have bf or friends or anyone, yes you matter and yes you are loved. We are here loving you, our hearts going out to you and our minds sending strength. The Universe is loving you, showering sunshine upon you, greenery around you, animals to amuse you. There are people you pass who love you as you go on your way. You have love within you, as a birthright, as a part of your very makeup; the more you notice and feed all this love, the more it will manifest in noticeable ways in your life. Keep going!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hawaii04]

That was wonderful, River11, thank you . . . I know it wasn't intended for me, but I so needed to hear that .

[Aphrodites_Muse]

I find it helpful to remind myself that it is not my therapist's job to actually care about me, but rather help guide me into a healthier direction in my life...it is still ultimately up to me to make the said changes and her advice is in my best interest (as in what's safest for me). BPD can make us have love/hate feelings towards people, especially those closest to us. We over read into their reactions and take it personally, when no personal attack was intended. Sometimes I feel myself being mad at my therapist for not returning my calls fast enough or not seeming interested enough when I talk, but remind myself that this is simply her job and I must blindly trust that her advice is the best I can get...especially considering that following my own advice has not been the best for me many times. I know she doesn't care about me, I'm one in a million patients, but it is her job to keep me safe and to help steer me towards a path of happiness. I force myself to have faith in her at my worst of times because of those small glimpses where I see the potential...the bad part of my brain doesn't want me to see.

IDK if this helps you or not but I find it helpful to disect my relationships with people so that I can develop healthier boundaries.

Maybe at your next appt. with your therapist you should bring up your feelings towards them and what it is exactly that they do to make you feel as if they don't care about you. Your therapist may be surprisingly helpful in helping you cope with this feeling of abandonment.

[Aphrodites_Muse]

Love/Hate OMG I totally feel like the same always happens to me...but look!!! this thread is still alive....YAY

[Aphrodites_Muse]

Love/Hate: I also absolutely love your screen name. I swear I constantly use love/hate to explain my life and feelings to others.

Tool: Thank you ever so much for your healing words. They are so very true in the BPD struggle.

Elektra: I know it's hard to believe when your mind is going through this cycle, but Tool is very right....as corny as it sounds it is true that you always have yourself. While it doesn't come naturally for us, loving yourself is a very crucial skill to learn through therapy. Loving yourself allows loving people to be attracted to your life. YES!!! You do matter!

And River: Most certainly beautiful...my thoughts exactly. It takes a lot of therapy and self-evaluation, along with hard work. But it does get easier to find those loving, glorious moments within life..or realize that just because you don't notice them, you know that it must be true.

BPD sucks...it lies to us every day. It tells us horrible, ugly rumors about ourselves. It's not true, we all know it's not true because each of us has come to PC as a way to find healing strength for our sickness. We are sick, not flawed.

[Elektra_]

ur therapist lets u call and u still complain about it?
she does nothing for me... all she does is having a blank face.. prob thinks im lazy childish *****.

Originally Posted by Aphrodites_Muse

I find it helpful to remind myself that it is not my therapist's job to actually care about me, but rather help guide me into a healthier direction in my life...it is still ultimately up to me to make the said changes and her advice is in my best interest (as in what's safest for me). BPD can make us have love/hate feelings towards people, especially those closest to us. We over read into their reactions and take it personally, when no personal attack was intended. Sometimes I feel myself being mad at my therapist for not returning my calls fast enough or not seeming interested enough when I talk, but remind myself that this is simply her job and I must blindly trust that her advice is the best I can get...especially considering that following my own advice has not been the best for me many times. I know she doesn't care about me, I'm one in a million patients, but it is her job to keep me safe and to help steer me towards a path of happiness. I force myself to have faith in her at my worst of times because of those small glimpses where I see the potential...the bad part of my brain doesn't want me to see.

IDK if this helps you or not but I find it helpful to disect my relationships with people so that I can develop healthier boundaries.

Maybe at your next appt. with your therapist you should bring up your feelings towards them and what it is exactly that they do to make you feel as if they don't care about you. Your therapist may be surprisingly helpful in helping you cope with this feeling of abandonment.

[Onward2wards]

((( Elektra ))) I can feel that pain from here, and wish I had something life-changing to say. I think you deserve better, and can have better.

[Bill3]

(((((Elektra)))))