*Possible Trigger*

Had a meltdown over something that would probably seem pretty trivial to most. I'm so ashamed I can't even bring myself to say what it was over here.
I was so overwhelmed I put bruises all over my face. Not sure why my dumb *** ccan't seem to avoid that area. My old T said it was because the face is a representation of myself, and I don't like myself. Now I gotta think of some BS story if anyone sees them before they go away. I feel so stupid.
What I want to know is, is this going to be my life forever? Because if so, no thanks. Turning into a miserable, bitter person who can't sustain an attachment to anyone by the time I'm in my 30's, 40's, and beyond is equally unappealing. and as I've stated before I sure as heck am not going back to using.
I really from the bottom of my heart hope that if I take psychiatric help with both hands and run with it that things will change. Because I feel like I'm running out of options. Even though I'm sober I'm absolutely miserable. Even more so because I have to live with the things I said and did when I wasn't. My relationship with my partner is.. a mess, I wanna run away a lot of the time.
My rational mind knows that I'm not alone in the way I feel. that others deal with similar if not the same demons. Yet I feel very alone. Not too mention ashamed like I said before. Why am I the way I am? Ug

[atomicc]

I've thought those exact words, why am I this way? What did I do to deserve this? I'm sorry you're struggling right now and I know it's very hard to think of yourself as not alone. :/ you are loved though!

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

*Possible Trigger*

Had a meltdown over something that would probably seem pretty trivial to most. I'm so ashamed I can't even bring myself to say what it was over here.
I was so overwhelmed I put bruises all over my face. Not sure why my dumb *** ccan't seem to avoid that area. My old T said it was because the face is a representation of myself, and I don't like myself. Now I gotta think of some BS story if anyone sees them before they go away. I feel so stupid.
What I want to know is, is this going to be my life forever? Because if so, no thanks. Turning into a miserable, bitter person who can't sustain an attachment to anyone by the time I'm in my 30's, 40's, and beyond is equally unappealing. and as I've stated before I sure as heck am not going back to using.
I really from the bottom of my heart hope that if I take psychiatric help with both hands and run with it that things will change. Because I feel like I'm running out of options. Even though I'm sober I'm absolutely miserable. Even more so because I have to live with the things I said and did when I wasn't. My relationship with my partner is.. a mess, I wanna run away a lot of the time.
My rational mind knows that I'm not alone in the way I feel. that others deal with similar if not the same demons. Yet I feel very alone. Not too mention ashamed like I said before. Why am I the way I am? Ug

I can relate. Last night my phone screen completely cracked and I cannot replace it till Monday. I was livid and basically throwing a temper tantrum. I used a DBT called radical acceptance and caught myself before I went that far but I was upset because a normal person would not act as I did. We are not equipped as others and remember you did the best you could at the time with what you were presented at the time. It's not about dwelling on the past or where to go from here. It's HOW you go from here that counts. Try not to dwell on what you can't change.

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

*Possible Trigger*

Had a meltdown over something that would probably seem pretty trivial to most. I'm so ashamed I can't even bring myself to say what it was over here.
I was so overwhelmed I put bruises all over my face. Not sure why my dumb *** ccan't seem to avoid that area. My old T said it was because the face is a representation of myself, and I don't like myself. Now I gotta think of some BS story if anyone sees them before they go away. I feel so stupid.
What I want to know is, is this going to be my life forever? Because if so, no thanks. Turning into a miserable, bitter person who can't sustain an attachment to anyone by the time I'm in my 30's, 40's, and beyond is equally unappealing. and as I've stated before I sure as heck am not going back to using.
I really from the bottom of my heart hope that if I take psychiatric help with both hands and run with it that things will change. Because I feel like I'm running out of options. Even though I'm sober I'm absolutely miserable. Even more so because I have to live with the things I said and did when I wasn't. My relationship with my partner is.. a mess, I wanna run away a lot of the time.
My rational mind knows that I'm not alone in the way I feel. that others deal with similar if not the same demons. Yet I feel very alone. Not too mention ashamed like I said before. Why am I the way I am? Ug

I'm sorry you feel down. I have hit my own face in anger too, numerous times actually, so I can relate. If the bruises are still there, make-up should help make them disappear.

There is a helpful DBT Workbook by Author Matthew McKay. I purchased it at Barnes & Noble for around $20.00. It will make a difference. IF you do the work. This book is used, and handed out by professionals in DBT classes. Sure it won't fix ALL your problems, but it would be a good start if you don't have it already.

Hope this helps!

[technigal]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

What I want to know is, is this going to be my life forever? Because if so, no thanks. Turning into a miserable, bitter person who can't sustain an attachment to anyone by the time I'm in my 30's, 40's, and beyond is equally unappealing. and as I've stated before I sure as heck am not going back to using.

I was just diagnosed in September, I am 44. I KNOW that I have had BPD for much longer, probably could have been diagnosed at 16. I got married at 32 and although we have our issues (not including my MIL) I am still very much in love and attached to my husband. It is possible. Easy? No, but you already know that. There is hope and you are lucky to have been diagnosed early so you can learn coping skills.

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

I can relate. Last night my phone screen completely cracked and I cannot replace it till Monday. I was livid and basically throwing a temper tantrum. I used a DBT called radical acceptance and caught myself before I went that far but I was upset because a normal person would not act as I did. We are not equipped as others and remember you did the best you could at the time with what you were presented at the time. It's not about dwelling on the past or where to go from here. It's HOW you go from here that counts. Try not to dwell on what you can't change.

My issue was phone related too! The screen on it went totally black but everything else worked on it but the screen.
Total Radical Exceptence fail on my part.
Though I was able to eventually fix the issue without replacement. but I lost all contacts and custime settings.

Originally Posted by Truth in Ruin

I'm sorry you feel down. I have hit my own face in anger too, numerous times actually, so I can relate. If the bruises are still there, make-up should help make them disappear.

There is a helpful DBT Workbook by Author Matthew McKay. I purchased it at Barnes & Noble for around $20.00. It will make a difference. IF you do the work. This book is used, and handed out by professionals in DBT classes. Sure it won't fix ALL your problems, but it would be a good start if you don't have it already.

Hope this helps!

Thank you.
One question. How does this workbook differ from Marsha Lynahan's book?

Atomicc and Mags I can't quote you guys individually right now cuz the kids are being a handful.
but thank you both <3
and Mags thank you for reminding me of that. I know I'm lucky, but sometimes it feels like all being diagnosed early means is that I'll have a name for the hell I'm living longer. I know that's a negative Nanchy way to look at it, so I'm trying to be more positive.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

My issue was phone related too! The screen on it went totally black but everything else worked on it but the screen.
Total Radical Exceptence fail on my part.
Though I was able to eventually fix the issue without replacement. but I lost all contacts and custime settings.

THAT'S HILARIOUS! It just totally set me off, I HATE not having a phone. In my head, I started freaking out about being alone without it, cause it meant everyone would forget about me. At least that's how it felt in my head.

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Thank you.
One question. How does this workbook differ from Marsha Lynahan's book?

From what I'm told the only topic that the Matthew McKay book doesn't cover is "Thought Distortions". Apparently Marsha Lynahan's book covers this. But the 2 books we are talking about here have the best ratings, and I think the McKay book is cheaper. But if you have Marsha's book, you should be good to go sense she invented DBT.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Thank you.
One question. How does this workbook differ from Marsha Lynahan's book?

I would think the big difference is Marsh Lynahan is the one who pioneered DBT and has BPD herself. I have the other workbook but apparently will be getting the Lynahan one when I start my DBT.

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by technigal

I would think the big difference is Marsh Lynahan is the one who pioneered DBT and has BPD herself. I have the other workbook but apparently will be getting the Lynahan one when I start my DBT.

Yeah, that too

Thanks everyone for the support.
@Angel I felt similarly I suppose. and for me, since I have impairment to my vision my iPhone (recently acquired) helps me not only connect to the outside world, but do basic things that people with better eye site take for granted. I lost my ****. not proud of myself at all. I felt angry, disappointed, and overwhelmed. I felt like I should be punished for being stupid enough to break it. Irrational I know.