[crabbypatty]

Today my therapist talked about forgiveness. I have recently been triggered by some family stuff which has been stressful for me.

My therapist says i need to at some point on my healing journey think about forgiving my family for the neglect and abuse that happened. She also said i need to also then forgive myself. She says that part of the reason i still get stressed and angry at certain members and situations is because i have not forgiving them and myself. She says i don't have to actually tell them i forgive them but in myself forgive them for them not knowing better as they themselves were just messed up, and to to forgive myself for being angry at myself and treating myself badly when i didn't know better and was only reacting to my surroundings.

She says im not at that place yet but i need to think about it and be more compassionate to myself. Has anyone else faced and dealt with the whole forgiveness stuff, did it help you move forward ?

[Fuzzybear]

[technigal]

Forgiveness is a hard one. I find forgiving others is easier then forgiving myself and definitely moving on is difficult to do. The thing about true forgiveness and moving on is really for you. I am not sure about you but with family members especially I feel bitterness and tension, with forgiving them you release that tension and bitterness. I have been able to forgive some things but not others.

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by crabbypatty

Today my therapist talked about forgiveness. I have recently been triggered by some family stuff which has been stressful for me.

My therapist says i need to at some point on my healing journey think about forgiving my family for the neglect and abuse that happened. She also said i need to also then forgive myself. She says that part of the reason i still get stressed and angry at certain members and situations is because i have not forgiving them and myself. She says i don't have to actually tell them i forgive them but in myself forgive them for them not knowing better as they themselves were just messed up, and to to forgive myself for being angry at myself and treating myself badly when i didn't know better and was only reacting to my surroundings.

She says im not at that place yet but i need to think about it and be more compassionate to myself. Has anyone else faced and dealt with the whole forgiveness stuff, did it help you move forward ?

oh my....oh my....I am dealing with this too.....
My T has been quietly talking about this for a few weeks now....
I don't know how and if this is possible...please keep me posted on how you are doing with this hurdle........I could use some input here....

[Auntie2014]

This is interesting for me because I have a different perspective on forgiveness. I can forgive myself UNCONDITIONALLY. When it comes to others some forgiveness is conditional. In order for ME to forgive abuse the abuser needs to admit to the abuse before I forgive. If abuser claims it did not happen then in my book there is nothing to forgive.

[shezbut]

I have also been advised to forgive my abusers, not for them, but for myself. Because I will not be able to move forward in my life until I let go of the past. I can see that's true for me, as I've been fighting these memories and emotions for over 30 years & having healthy relationships has been a HUGE challenge for me (another great effect that my failure to forgive has had upon my world today).

I *wish* that I could simply forgive and feel better. But, I am unable and unwilling to forgive still. I have met a couple of people, over the years as a PC member, who were abused in the past, struggled with life, and were finally able to forgive. That gives me a teensy bit of hope that I will be like them soon.

Very best wishes to you.

[lynn808]

My problem is that I can never come face to face with them anymore as they have passed but I am still suffering.... this is what I must get past to ever make it in this world...why am I stuck here when everyone else has moved on...why cant I be released from this hell???? I want out.....I want relief......

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by lynn808

My problem is that I can never come face to face with them anymore as they have passed but I am still suffering....

I understand what you're saying. My situation is the same, minus one of my abusers (who is alive). We don't have to go and talk to these people...not at all. It's merely an emotional event that occurs inside of ourselves.

So, while your abusers are gone, and you're still suffering: the key is eventually deciding that you're able to let go of this weight that you have been carrying for so long. You need to let it go for yourself.

Does that make better sense to you now?? I hope so!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have worked through forgiving some people. One person I've been able to forgive is my mother. It took a lot of talking, crying, writing, and processing. In fact, it took 3 years in therapy. Finally I got to the point where I wrote my mom a letter. Then I worked on finding the strength to contact her. I met her at a coffee shop and read her the letter. I went there with no expectations. It was no longer about her. Her thoughts, feelings, excuses, response...didn't matter. What mattered was that I was strong enough to love myself and protect myself from her.

The outcome: today my mom is my best friend. Her title is mom, but her role will NEVER be mom. I have split her into two different people. The mother I grew up with is gone. I CHOOSE to have the mother who is my friend in my life. And at any point I can walk away.

As for forgiving myself...I'm not sure...I guess I'm just trying to learn how to be patient with myself.

Forgiveness doesn't usually come easy, but it is well worth the effort if you can achieve it.

Missed the part about not being able to confront the person... The same concept applies...you have to get to the point where you love yourself enough to no longer allow the person to hurt you (even if it's through memories).

My abusers are narcissists with no conscience. Ergo, they have no remorse. The lies continue. I don't see forgiveness in this context. I agree with Auntie2014.

[growlithing]

Forgiveness in this context is more like letting go of your hurt and pain and anger so it doesn't carry with you. Not forgiveness for your abusers sake. My abusers don't deserve my forgiveness so if and when I do forgive them, I'll certainly never tell them.

Forgiving yourself for being abused is more difficult because it requires you to forgive yourself even though you are not actually responsible for what happened even if it might feel like you are.

I imagine forgiveness could really help someone move forward. But I also wouldn't try to forgive until I'm really ready to close the chapter on the abuse. I feel like saying you forgive them and then refusing to talk about it or acknowledge that you really haven't forgiven them would be not a good situation.

[live2ski66]

I always associated forgiving with forgetting. One therapist told me there are two very different things. You can forgive someone for having hurt you, but you are allowed to never forget what happened to you because it is part of you. It's still difficult to forgive addressing all those charged emotions, but I found it doable once I separated the two.

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I understand what you're saying. My situation is the same, minus one of my abusers (who is alive). We don't have to go and talk to these people...not at all. It's merely an emotional event that occurs inside of ourselves.

So, while your abusers are gone, and you're still suffering: the key is eventually deciding that you're able to let go of this weight that you have been carrying for so long. You need to let it go for yourself.

Does that make better sense to you now?? I hope so!

okay........ I do hear you and can understand what you are saying...... so like its a weight I have to throw away??? hmmmmmm...let me process this a bit...I will let you know how it goes with this new thinking.....
Thanks hun!!!!! and good luck to you too!!!!

[JadeAmethyst]

Could we consider how not forgiving ourselves will surely affect our present relations?

[krisakira]

No one should be able to tell you whether or not you should forgive. It is up to you, and not forgiving can be just as healing. People think of forgiveness differently. I had been told my whole adult life that "all you need to do is forgive." But recently i had a therapist who agreed with me that i dont HAVE to forgive. Sometimes not forgiving is part of the healing process. What needs to happen though, is to let go of what we did not have and grieve the loss. That is how to heal

[facingdemons]

For me, forgiving others isn't an issue, in fact, I am often too quick to forgive and will do it over and over again. But forgiving myself is a whole different story. I have just recently started trying to forgive myself for my past actions. I'm not there yet, but I have made progress and have been able to let go of a few things, or accept that certain things weren't entirely my fault.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by krisakira

Sometimes not forgiving is part of the healing process. What needs to happen though, is to let go of what we did not have and grieve the loss. That is how to heal

True. Well said.

[lazydog]

I would like to forgive my mom at some point, I know that would be really helpful for myself, not forgiving her and making peace may even be the greatest resistance to my mental health.
I know in the past when I have forgiven people it has made things easier for myself regardless of how it affected them. Maybe forgiveness to me means making closure with the energy and emotion that is attached to them, so I don't need to use it for them anymore. Sometimes I think I forgive too easily though. Although, I am so glad I have forgiven certain people/friends, with that forgiveness they have been there for me twofold.

[lynn808]

wanted to let you know....I am working with my b/f and my T to let the anger go, release it and forgive myself....they do agree this will free me from my past and allow me to move on with my future........so maybe I can get out of this quagmire and get unstuck....thanks for great advice here!!!! take care and hope these exercises for the brain can work for all of us too....take care!!!

[Starling.]

I agree with those of you who have said that forgiveness in this context is a personal thing, it's about letting go.

I found that it has been enormously helpful for me. I can no longer see the point in being angry about things that are in the past, that I can't change. Letting go is like a huge weight being lifted. For a long time I was very hurt and very messed up about things that had happened, but 'forgiving' means that it is no longer my issue to carry.

I also found that although initially it was very much about me, it also, eventually, allowed me to see the people (person, in particular really) who had hurt me with real compassion. What happened was terrible, and will never, ever be okay. But I am able now to view the person involved as a person, rather than only seeing what happened, and to genuinely hope that they have changed, not just for the sake of people they might hurt, but for their own sake. I understand that may be a step too far for many people, but for me it was necessary.

I do also agree though that it shouldn't be forced. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to NOT want to forgive. As long as you use it as constructively as possible and don't let it destroy you.