how to pick up the pieces

I was just recently dx with bipolar NOS and bpd. My bipolar doesnt show "true mania" and I relate all of my anger, rage, and impulsiveness to bpd. My family doesnt really know about my BPD except my parents and some know about bipolar but don't really know much about it.

I was very close to my cousin. We had a very close friendship and were together a great deal of time. We were both in abusive and marriages that were not working. I got a divorce. She is still stuck with an abusive, drug addict, alcohlic, POS husband. During our relationship I never realized that I did alot of the typical BPD actions.

Our last fight, because we used to fight alot, mostly because of me, was the worst and now our relationship is over. (if you look at this site I'm referring to these examples Out of the FOG - Feelings Of Emptiness)
I baited her, was impulsive, had rage, violence, and and impulsive aggression, sabotage, and testing.

We fought and she said hurtful things and so did I. So I decided to write something very mean on facebook so everyone could see and it made her super upset. After that she would not talk to me. I've been apologizing for months now. So at Christmas her mom decided she was going to scream at me and tell me "I'm a POS and a disgrace to my family and I shouldn't be alive because I'm such a horrible person" all because of what happened between me and her daughter. I'm still upset that no one said anything to her, including my dad. So I don't want to have anything to do with my family anymore because I can't take the stress of anything else happening like that. Its been since then and I still cry about it and am still very upset about it. I still think about my cousin and how I wish she knew I had BPD so she could understand that it wasnt all my fault. I haven't started treatment yet and I've had a really screwed up life thus far. I think even if she knew she wouldn't really care... How do I get over this and how do I prevent this from happening again?

Hi there and welcome to pc
I am sorry for the pain you have from your family. Am glad you are seeking help and hope that starts soon for you.. I think you are on a good track to help yourself...just by acknowledging some of these things....because once you are aware of them...you can start to control and stop the feelings before they get out of control and start to control you....this will make you stronger and better able to deal...wishing you luck and sending positive waves your way for success on your journey to wellness..... and it is a journey.... you will do well and sometimes do bad....you will fall and then get up....you will rise above the hopelessness and find things worth living for and fighting for daily....hope this makes sense.....hope you find what you need on this forum....lots of people here to help you and support you!!! take care now