[Tristan H.]

Successful people, motivational speakers, all those dregs, commonly refer to the supreme importance of failure in teaching them the lessons responsible for their eventual success as businessmen, inventors, artists and the like.
But for me, and I think the same might go for most Borderlines, failure doesn't give me renewed drive, it doesn't motivate me to work harder or remind me with a smart what I did wrong so I will never make the same mistake again. No, rather it discourages, weakens my resolve, banishes the last vestiges of confidence that I clung to and kills my hopes. When I fail I don't feel like I can do better. I feel ashamed, wanting never to try again, undeserving, unfit, inferior. It ruins my confidence and self-esteem.

All my life, as I can remember it, I have scorned the people who one after another recite that same refrain. But now it feels like just one more piece of the puzzle fitting into place -- the puzzle entitled: "Borderline".
Have you truly gleaned something useful or felt the positive effects of failure? I have not, and I fear it so much that such fear has become perhaps the hallmark of my disorder, in all its self-handicapping, self-righteous glory.

[Verity81]

I am not good with failure, my self esteem is low enough that I think I have failed at things when others tell me I haven't! I can see with hindsight that good things can come out of failure like say a relationship breakdown, then you realise when you come out of the grief that it was extremely unhealthy. Although I do tend to look back and beat myself up for the mistakes and misjudgements I have made!

[technigal]

Failure just puts me lower then I already feel.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Tristan, I reckon a some (?) motivational speakers do "hype it up" a bit. I mean some disappointment/despondency has got to be natural if you feel you've failed (unless you don't even fully realize you've failed- which isn't necessarily a good thing!!).
And I'd say some (?) of those people have really felt the pain you're going through occasionally even if they aren't making it "graphic".
But I guess it still comes down to how you handle failure. And some of it is to firstly allow yourself to have failed sometimes. No-one is perfect, no-one is not going to fail at times, everyone is really going to fail at times. Your failures don't have to define you. They can be part of you sometimes sure, but they aren't the whole you.
And you do often have to fail at things before you can succeed, all part of the learning process. Sorry, I'm not going to say it will turn you/anyone into "businessmen, inventors, artists and the like" but still.............
And I'd say that that's a real good quality you have there in recognizing that you could have done better at things, or maybe shouldn't have tried things which were going to fall apart on you??? So yes, keep that, but just maybe allow it to lead you down another path. Remember it's made you wiser!!
You might make the same mistakes again, anyone might, but it's given you some insight into being less likely to make those mistakes again or making them less times in your lifetime. And with a lot of failures, well if you've screwed up at least you've tried, right?
And you know, you're sounding pretty hard on yourself, so any chance that your failures aren't quite as big as you're thinking them to be??I'd understand if they were to you, but maybe to other people seeing those "failures".....?
If you want to talk a bit more though.....................a bit more detail about your experiences might help (??).................and rest assured I'm not a motivational speaker!!
Alison

[beloiseau]

Same. I have never understood motivation, nor have I ever been able to truly motivate myself for any long term goals. I have still somehow functioned and achieved goals though, no idea how.

[Mustkeepjob32]

I hear you on this. More failures for me just means more failures. Sometimes my parents say that I've yet to hold down a job in my life. Yet in the past I did work at the same job for over a year! So I didn't fail for part of the time, but their thoughtless comments make me feel bad.

One thing I have learned is that since I'm still alive after the million times I've failed, I can try to be successful again.

[Starling.]

My immediate reaction to 'failure' is to be sad and disappointed. I think that's natural though, and I'm not sure I quite believe anyone who says they don't feel that.

But yes, I do find that it can be motivating. I'm only speaking for myself here - but realising that I have a choice in how I handle it, how I respond to a setback, is pretty liberating. And I think I've just got to the point where there's so much that I could spend time being disappointed about and blaming myself for, but really it wouldn't do me any good, so why bother? I understand that it isn't always a choice though.

[Espresso]

I completely agree. I can not handle failure, and I honestly can not think of a time when failing at something ultimately helped me.

[Tristan H.]

I hope this knowledge will help me, and help any of you I imagine as well. It's one more fault in my make-up, one more maladaptive cog in the machine to be corrected. At least at this precise moment I do feel as if what was once simply an observation -- and erroneous at that -- of the uselessness of failure in life has now become the belief that with maturity and the right therapy I too can learn to learn for my mistakes and failures, just like anyone else.

[bpdtransformation]

Yes, failure can be positive. Failure hurts, but in the long run it teaches me what I've done wrong and makes me even more resolved and motivated to succeed next time. Also, if there were not the possibility of failure, then success wouldn't really mean anything in a relative sense.

[RockyMountainGuy]

Originally Posted by bpdtransformation

Yes, failure can be positive. Failure hurts, but in the long run it teaches me what I've done wrong and makes me even more resolved and motivated to succeed next time. Also, if there were not the possibility of failure, then success wouldn't really mean anything in a relative sense.

Great thoughts.

[Unrigged64072835]

For me, I had to get rid of the concept that because I failed, I was a failure. That took a lot of work, because from an early age my self-esteem was based on what I did instead of who I was. Once I separated my sense of self from my behavior, failure was easier to handle. It doesn't mean I can take it in stride--it still stings when I screw up--but I don't wallow in feeling worthless like I used to.

Feeling like a failure and failing at something in particular are two completely separate thoughts. Although motivational speakers tend to leave out the negative impacts failures in life can leave on us, there is much truth in what they speak. If you look past the overly positive statements even almost painting a pollyanna type picture you can see this.

I have failed many times in life at doing certain things and at times, like most people here, it had defeated me for awhile making progress seemingly impossible at the time, but once I got past the depression and self defeating, self loathing thinking, in hind sight nearly every time, I've learned and grown a bit. No failure is without it's silver lining as long as you can look at it and see that something went wrong, that we made a mistake and move away from that.

In life for me, every failure and down time in my life is a growth spurt. With every challenge and defeat, I learn, grow, and build my character more. Without these failures in life, there is no reward for success. I think in essence this is what the motivational and postive speakers are talking about.

Dont' get me wrong, I wholeheartedly understand and empathize with those times when you feel overall like a failure, I've been there, not once, or twice but many times but overall, I do not feel like my failures are the whole of my life, therefore, I myself am not a failure.