Thought I would put a trigger warning on this just in case.

Very interesting article I came across about BPD, I can relate to so well goes to show that we are not all manipulative.

The impact of the label

The label of ‘borderline personality disorder’ is hardly an attractive one. People faced with this diagnosis can experience a feeling of shame and embarrassment about who they are, facing a lifetime of judgement from others and themselves. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed until a person reaches 18 years of age, but the emerging ‘traits’ can be seen in teenage years. Very often misunderstood and wrongly represented, people suffering with the condition tend to lead isolated lives coupled with crippling emotions and intense relationships.
Self-mutilation and suicide attempts are frequent symptoms, which receives a label of ‘attention seeking’ from outsiders. However, are these perceptions of symptoms an accurate reflection of what the condition is like to experience? How are people diagnosed with the condition looking after themselves, what is the intervention, and how do others around them help them to deal with their issues?

What is borderline personality disorder?

People diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often present with symptoms such as deliberate self harm (DSH) and impulsive outbursts, but these are not what encapsulates the experience of the condition. Sufferers are people that have had difficulty adapting to their environments, sometimes due to abuse or neglect, and have very strong emotional reactions to things. It is important to grasp that borderline personalities are people, just like anyone else, and each sufferer will present quite differently from the next. It would be a mistake to think that ‘all people with BPD self harm’ or ‘all people with a personality disorder are manipulative’, in the same way that not all psychologists can ‘read the minds’ of others!
There has been a lot of controversy around the label of BPD over the years, and even in the present climate, the DSM-V Committee* has conferred over changing the label and diagnostic criteria. For example, it was felt that the label of ‘narcissistic personality disorder’ was actually a fragmentation of other personality types, and should be incorporated into other diagnoses. This response caused a ripple of critique from the psychiatric world, and the Committee was forced to reconvene. However, what this highlights is the difficulty even professionals at the top level are having in understanding precisely what personality disorders really are, which filters down into how difficult individual sufferers can be to understand and treat.

What is it like to have borderline personality disorder?

To have BPD has been described as having third-degree burns to 90% of your body. This means that the Borderline Personality (BP) will always push people away, in fear of getting hurt. This is extremely difficult and painful for the people around them, as they can seem cold/angry, attention seeking, or not wanting help. However, usually all they are really searching for is the love, care and attention they did not receive as children. They need to build trusting relationships that will not hurt them. This has a ‘black and white’ pitfall for a lot of BPD sufferers, as they will latch on very quickly to people that seem to give this kind of attention to them. At this point, a borderline personality may feel euphoric in the belief that there is finally someone who will understand and love them. The downside to this is that the people they hold in such high esteem will always appear to let them down, in the slightest of ways, which to the sufferer is like experiencing the worst pain imaginable. These feelings of hurt, rejection and shame lead the borderline personality to ‘act out’ in various ways, ranging from self-harm and impulsive behaviours, to suicide attempts – in short, anything to get away from the emotions they are experiencing.
In extreme cases, sufferers are hospitalised to prevent DSH or mutilation which could lead to death. By this point, the sufferer has been through so much pain and emotional suffering, that recovery is a long and drawn out task. These patients could have several suicide attempts behind them together with a long history of physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse. Inpatients in psychiatric hospitals can have a hard time, where there is much distain for personality disorders, as this patient group really knows how to push nursing staff to their limits. Experts at pushing people away, projecting all their anger and frustration onto others, they often are the subjects of apathy amongst mental health teams, who are trying their best to hold the intense emotions on the wards.

Treatment for borderline personality disorder

Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) was the model proposed in the 1980s by psychologist and BPD sufferer Marsha Linehan. The model advises a 12-18 month admission to help sufferers build the skills necessary to deal with their emotions. For example, a sufferer may become very hurt when ‘someone says something the wrong way’. This could be so painful for them because they experience this slight of tone as intense rejection of their character leading, such as an urge to self harm. However, with the skills in distress tolerance and emotional regulation incorporated into a DBT programme, the patient can learn how to cope with their emotions and choose to react differently. These skills however take a long time to develop, hence the long admission in a safe therapeutic environment. Distress tolerance may incorporate different behaviours such as biting into chillis or punching pillows as a substitute to self-harm. Emotional regulation meanwhile looks at labelling and ‘radical acceptance’ of emotions, and engaging in behaviour which is opposite to how the person is feeling – e.g. laugh if you feel like crying!
Mindfulness has come to the fore of mental health in recent years, seen as an adaptive meditation technique. It has proven to be a fantastic tool as part of DBT, to help sufferers live in the here and now, and use the skill of ‘radical acceptance’ when it comes to dealing with intense emotional reactions. Do you ever get through a day and wonder where the time went? Or have a cup of tea and biscuit and not realise you have finished as you are so caught up in thought? The basis of Mindfulness would advocate that this is a loss of energy, and we can create new and positive energy by fixing and focussing our minds on the here and now. With sufferers of BPD, who often have such traumatised pasts, this tool is invaluable as it helps them draw a line under what cannot be solved and create positivity for themselves in the here and now.

Having compassion for borderline personality disorder individuals. What can we do to help?

Often, doing less, is more. If this approach can be incorporated with compassion for, and understanding of the condition, then the sufferers can learn to trust those around them. A borderline personality may regularly test people with outbursts such as ‘stop having a go at me all the time!’; ‘I don’t like you anymore’; ‘why are you here?’; ‘what do you want?’, ‘go away’; ‘I don’t want you here’ – to name a few expressions. It is not easy for people to bear the brunt of this kind of communication, so awareness is key in accepting that these methods of communication are all in aid of testing the integrity of people around them. This is where validation is key – constantly validating the way the person feels and helping them to label their emotion.
There is no one way to help the people suffering – everyone is different and should be treated as an individual. That said, there are certain pitfalls to avoid, such as being drawn in too quickly into volatile and intense relationships, being able to take a step back and accept that no one can ‘solve the problem’. Ultimately it is for the sufferer to understand their current state and work towards learning and adapting their skills to be able to function in the world. Perhaps taking a step back in the first instance, aiming to educate the borderline personality as well as those around them. Seeing the condition not as something that is self-inflicted, but one which has a long drawn out history of emotional neglect and abuse, even if this is not entirely clear. For example, there are some people that have suffered rape and emotional abuse in the family, whereas another person may have had caring family around them whilst growing up, but to them something went so wrong that it felt to them like intense emotional abuse. Neither is better or worse, nor easier to deal with.
One of the hardest things to overcome in a relationship with a sufferer is resistance to change. Usually, sufferers will see emerging traits in teenage years, and are diagnosed before the age of 21. Research has shown that by the ages of 30-35, people seem to start to ‘grow out’ of the condition. With more adult maturity, sufferers are able to gain insight into their condition and realise that they are able to control their world through positive change, by building different skills. However, until this time, it is almost impossible to ‘change’ a borderline personality. All the people around them can do is offer support, and as much validation as possible. The most important element of this is knowing where to draw boundaries. Without boundaries, people faced with caring for sufferers are at risk of becoming enmeshed with the condition and feeling like they are failures themselves. Working towards a place where the person is open to change and interested in the treatment options would be a beneficial stance to adopt.

Summary

Marsha Linehan has been seen as a pioneer in the real work undertaken to date to help those suffering with BPD. As a sufferer herself, and a trained psychologist, she once said “I was in hell. And I made a vow: when I get out, I’m going to come back and get others out of here.” Whilst it may not be the one and only way to go about treating BPD, the DBT model has proven successful. Even more importantly is the message of hope that Marsha Linehan gives – that no matter how severe a mental health condition is, there is always a way out – once a person is given the correct support & structure to enable them to take responsibility for their own condition and move on into the world.

Compassion for Borderline Personality Disorder. How to Treat Someone with BPD? - Counselling Articles

xxx thank you for this

[greentires4me]

just like everyone else but we are more emotional then others. We crack under pressure just like anyone else but we will be more explosive. We create lots of drama even though we say its someone else but its us. We just want to be normal and treated as such.

[Espresso]

Thanks for posting that. It was an interesting read.

[Verity81]

I haven't grown out of it at all

I am along way From recovery. Ave just turned 26! X x

[Fuzzybear]

[Aventurine]

Thanks so much for posting!!

I am 36 and had no idea there was a reason for the intense pain I have been in since I was young and the intense pain I have caused others.

I really want to help myself, but I don't want people to leave me on my own while I do it... That's the scariest thing I face..

[ckintower]

Ditto
- I am SO scared of being left alone!!

[Revin]

Thank you very much for this.

[Revin]

I have re-read this post and sent a copy to my daughter to help her understand her daughter.

As I have been viewing the posts in here I have felt “old” (mind you I am old

As I slowly re-read the portion below I saw how true it is for me.

21. Research has shown that by the ages of 30-35, people seem to start to ‘grow out’ of the condition. With more adult maturity, sufferers are able to gain insight into their condition and realise that they are able to control their world through positive change, by building different skills.

I didn’t ‘grow out’ of the condition per say but I did learn how to relate to myself and “selves” and build healthy inner-self relationships. I learned how to create an inner “safe” world that has expanded out into the physical world. I still struggle with relationships and other issues related to BP but the confusion around the deep emotions I understand now.

I am so very happy this site is here and there is so much openness about BP. I hope my granddaughter find this kind of support.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks for posting this...

Uhm in the past 4 years I haven't been completely honest with my bf regarding the bpd. I tried to keep it as seperate from him as possible (he had his own plate full of shyt) and so whatever I needed emotionally, i'd request on demand. Sure he obviously knows I'm nuts, he's always known, and he was the first I told about my bp, but with this he knew something different was up but could never put his finger on this type of crazy... I wasn't at all forthcoming and he did the best he could, albeit ignorantly...

Reason for this ramble? I pushed a month ago, HARD. Was even kind of relieved he really left this time.

Then he texts me to ask whyyy. Whyyy I always push him away? Whyyy don't I understand that it hurts?



Then I came across this thread... I emailed him your OP along with some individual specifics titled "why we never work out". Figured he deserved the closure and the honesty.

Now he wants to try AGAIN, slowly.

I thought he would run screaming in terror, not because I'm nuts (like I said he's always known) but more because he's been begging me to not lash out and push him, begging me to learn to control the impulses better, to trust his intentions daily, not intermittently... and here I am admitting that I most likely always will do the opposite of what he needs, and he comes BACK???



OK I'm rambling again now, just wanted to say thanks for providing the words I never had before.

[InLimbo82]

Originally Posted by Mittens.

Thought I would put a trigger warning on this just in case.



Very interesting article I came across about BPD, I can relate to so well goes to show that we are not all manipulative.



The impact of the label





The label of ‘borderline personality disorder’ is hardly an attractive one. People faced with this diagnosis can experience a feeling of shame and embarrassment about who they are, facing a lifetime of judgement from others and themselves. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed until a person reaches 18 years of age, but the emerging ‘traits’ can be seen in teenage years. Very often misunderstood and wrongly represented, people suffering with the condition tend to lead isolated lives coupled with crippling emotions and intense relationships.

Self-mutilation and suicide attempts are frequent symptoms, which receives a label of ‘attention seeking’ from outsiders. However, are these perceptions of symptoms an accurate reflection of what the condition is like to experience? How are people diagnosed with the condition looking after themselves, what is the intervention, and how do others around them help them to deal with their issues?



What is borderline personality disorder?





People diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often present with symptoms such as deliberate self harm (DSH) and impulsive outbursts, but these are not what encapsulates the experience of the condition. Sufferers are people that have had difficulty adapting to their environments, sometimes due to abuse or neglect, and have very strong emotional reactions to things. It is important to grasp that borderline personalities are people, just like anyone else, and each sufferer will present quite differently from the next. It would be a mistake to think that ‘all people with BPD self harm’ or ‘all people with a personality disorder are manipulative’, in the same way that not all psychologists can ‘read the minds’ of others!

There has been a lot of controversy around the label of BPD over the years, and even in the present climate, the DSM-V Committee* has conferred over changing the label and diagnostic criteria. For example, it was felt that the label of ‘narcissistic personality disorder’ was actually a fragmentation of other personality types, and should be incorporated into other diagnoses. This response caused a ripple of critique from the psychiatric world, and the Committee was forced to reconvene. However, what this highlights is the difficulty even professionals at the top level are having in understanding precisely what personality disorders really are, which filters down into how difficult individual sufferers can be to understand and treat.



What is it like to have borderline personality disorder?





To have BPD has been described as having third-degree burns to 90% of your body. This means that the Borderline Personality (BP) will always push people away, in fear of getting hurt. This is extremely difficult and painful for the people around them, as they can seem cold/angry, attention seeking, or not wanting help. However, usually all they are really searching for is the love, care and attention they did not receive as children. They need to build trusting relationships that will not hurt them. This has a ‘black and white’ pitfall for a lot of BPD sufferers, as they will latch on very quickly to people that seem to give this kind of attention to them. At this point, a borderline personality may feel euphoric in the belief that there is finally someone who will understand and love them. The downside to this is that the people they hold in such high esteem will always appear to let them down, in the slightest of ways, which to the sufferer is like experiencing the worst pain imaginable. These feelings of hurt, rejection and shame lead the borderline personality to ‘act out’ in various ways, ranging from self-harm and impulsive behaviours, to suicide attempts – in short, anything to get away from the emotions they are experiencing.

In extreme cases, sufferers are hospitalised to prevent DSH or mutilation which could lead to death. By this point, the sufferer has been through so much pain and emotional suffering, that recovery is a long and drawn out task. These patients could have several suicide attempts behind them together with a long history of physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse. Inpatients in psychiatric hospitals can have a hard time, where there is much distain for personality disorders, as this patient group really knows how to push nursing staff to their limits. Experts at pushing people away, projecting all their anger and frustration onto others, they often are the subjects of apathy amongst mental health teams, who are trying their best to hold the intense emotions on the wards.





Treatment for borderline personality disorder



Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) was the model proposed in the 1980s by psychologist and BPD sufferer Marsha Linehan. The model advises a 12-18 month admission to help sufferers build the skills necessary to deal with their emotions. For example, a sufferer may become very hurt when ‘someone says something the wrong way’. This could be so painful for them because they experience this slight of tone as intense rejection of their character leading, such as an urge to self harm. However, with the skills in distress tolerance and emotional regulation incorporated into a DBT programme, the patient can learn how to cope with their emotions and choose to react differently. These skills however take a long time to develop, hence the long admission in a safe therapeutic environment. Distress tolerance may incorporate different behaviours such as biting into chillis or punching pillows as a substitute to self-harm. Emotional regulation meanwhile looks at labelling and ‘radical acceptance’ of emotions, and engaging in behaviour which is opposite to how the person is feeling – e.g. laugh if you feel like crying!

Mindfulness has come to the fore of mental health in recent years, seen as an adaptive meditation technique. It has proven to be a fantastic tool as part of DBT, to help sufferers live in the here and now, and use the skill of ‘radical acceptance’ when it comes to dealing with intense emotional reactions. Do you ever get through a day and wonder where the time went? Or have a cup of tea and biscuit and not realise you have finished as you are so caught up in thought? The basis of Mindfulness would advocate that this is a loss of energy, and we can create new and positive energy by fixing and focussing our minds on the here and now. With sufferers of BPD, who often have such traumatised pasts, this tool is invaluable as it helps them draw a line under what cannot be solved and create positivity for themselves in the here and now.



Having compassion for borderline personality disorder individuals. What can we do to help?





Often, doing less, is more. If this approach can be incorporated with compassion for, and understanding of the condition, then the sufferers can learn to trust those around them. A borderline personality may regularly test people with outbursts such as ‘stop having a go at me all the time!’; ‘I don’t like you anymore’; ‘why are you here?’; ‘what do you want?’, ‘go away’; ‘I don’t want you here’ – to name a few expressions. It is not easy for people to bear the brunt of this kind of communication, so awareness is key in accepting that these methods of communication are all in aid of testing the integrity of people around them. This is where validation is key – constantly validating the way the person feels and helping them to label their emotion.

There is no one way to help the people suffering – everyone is different and should be treated as an individual. That said, there are certain pitfalls to avoid, such as being drawn in too quickly into volatile and intense relationships, being able to take a step back and accept that no one can ‘solve the problem’. Ultimately it is for the sufferer to understand their current state and work towards learning and adapting their skills to be able to function in the world. Perhaps taking a step back in the first instance, aiming to educate the borderline personality as well as those around them. Seeing the condition not as something that is self-inflicted, but one which has a long drawn out history of emotional neglect and abuse, even if this is not entirely clear. For example, there are some people that have suffered rape and emotional abuse in the family, whereas another person may have had caring family around them whilst growing up, but to them something went so wrong that it felt to them like intense emotional abuse. Neither is better or worse, nor easier to deal with.

One of the hardest things to overcome in a relationship with a sufferer is resistance to change. Usually, sufferers will see emerging traits in teenage years, and are diagnosed before the age of 21. Research has shown that by the ages of 30-35, people seem to start to ‘grow out’ of the condition. With more adult maturity, sufferers are able to gain insight into their condition and realise that they are able to control their world through positive change, by building different skills. However, until this time, it is almost impossible to ‘change’ a borderline personality. All the people around them can do is offer support, and as much validation as possible. The most important element of this is knowing where to draw boundaries. Without boundaries, people faced with caring for sufferers are at risk of becoming enmeshed with the condition and feeling like they are failures themselves. Working towards a place where the person is open to change and interested in the treatment options would be a beneficial stance to adopt.





Summary





Marsha Linehan has been seen as a pioneer in the real work undertaken to date to help those suffering with BPD. As a sufferer herself, and a trained psychologist, she once said “I was in hell. And I made a vow: when I get out, I’m going to come back and get others out of here.” Whilst it may not be the one and only way to go about treating BPD, the DBT model has proven successful. Even more importantly is the message of hope that Marsha Linehan gives – that no matter how severe a mental health condition is, there is always a way out – once a person is given the correct support & structure to enable them to take responsibility for their own condition and move on into the world.



Compassion for Borderline Personality Disorder. How to Treat Someone with BPD? - Counselling Articles

Sent from my RM-877_nam_att_205 using Tapatalk

[InLimbo82]

OMG! I believe my sister has BPD and forever it seems. This article helps me to better understand her and what it feels like for her. That is an overstatement, because I understand her so little because she hasn't accepted her role as a person living with BPD. I just started talking to her about BPD, and she reacts volatile as usual, but I'm hoping that my honesty will help her in the long run. She is an on/off type of person where all she sees is herself being acted upon, atleast this is my description of it, and she takes no responsibility for her roles, which is frustrating for both me and our family in general. I wish I could help her more, but with her being resistance to change and not being able to trust or accept love in general is an uphill battle. I try to be honest while reinforcing my affection for her but do end up, at times, being caught up in her whirlwind. Is there something more I can do as a sister? She attacks me for saying things that I believe are "normal" like your behavior is over the top, etc." She's exhausting, always pushing and pulling.

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[InLimbo82]

Sorry I didn't know I posted a copy of the topic. Fresh. I made a reply but it ended up as an epic fail. Sorry again.

Sent from my RM-877_nam_att_205 using Tapatalk

[Aventurine]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Thanks for posting this...

Uhm in the past 4 years I haven't been completely honest with my bf regarding the bpd. I tried to keep it as seperate from him as possible (he had his own plate full of shyt) and so whatever I needed emotionally, i'd request on demand. Sure he obviously knows I'm nuts, he's always known, and he was the first I told about my bp, but with this he knew something different was up but could never put his finger on this type of crazy... I wasn't at all forthcoming and he did the best he could, albeit ignorantly...

Reason for this ramble? I pushed a month ago, HARD. Was even kind of relieved he really left this time.

Then he texts me to ask whyyy. Whyyy I always push him away? Whyyy don't I understand that it hurts?



Then I came across this thread... I emailed him your OP along with some individual specifics titled "why we never work out". Figured he deserved the closure and the honesty.

Now he wants to try AGAIN, slowly.

I thought he would run screaming in terror, not because I'm nuts (like I said he's always known) but more because he's been begging me to not lash out and push him, begging me to learn to control the impulses better, to trust his intentions daily, not intermittently... and here I am admitting that I most likely always will do the opposite of what he needs, and he comes BACK???



OK I'm rambling again now, just wanted to say thanks for providing the words I never had before.

He loves you...

wow..

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Verity81

I haven't grown out of it at all

me neither!

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Thanks for posting this...

Uhm in the past 4 years I haven't been completely honest with my bf regarding the bpd. I tried to keep it as seperate from him as possible (he had his own plate full of shyt) and so whatever I needed emotionally, i'd request on demand. Sure he obviously knows I'm nuts, he's always known, and he was the first I told about my bp, but with this he knew something different was up but could never put his finger on this type of crazy... I wasn't at all forthcoming and he did the best he could, albeit ignorantly...

Reason for this ramble? I pushed a month ago, HARD. Was even kind of relieved he really left this time.

Then he texts me to ask whyyy. Whyyy I always push him away? Whyyy don't I understand that it hurts?



Then I came across this thread... I emailed him your OP along with some individual specifics titled "why we never work out". Figured he deserved the closure and the honesty.

Now he wants to try AGAIN, slowly.

I thought he would run screaming in terror, not because I'm nuts (like I said he's always known) but more because he's been begging me to not lash out and push him, begging me to learn to control the impulses better, to trust his intentions daily, not intermittently... and here I am admitting that I most likely always will do the opposite of what he needs, and he comes BACK???



OK I'm rambling again now, just wanted to say thanks for providing the words I never had before.

wow! you are soooo lucky, i pushed my ex away 4 months ago (and of course i have been trying to get her back ever since), i just found out i'm bpd about 5 days ago, i told her about 2 days ago, we still talk on the phone every day, but i feel like she'll never forgive me for all the things i've done. i try to explain to her how i feel, she says i'm just too sensitive. i wish my ex was as understanding as your bf

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Aventurine

He loves you...

wow..

Wow is right I think I'm slowly starting to accept that he really is with me for the long haul. Reading replies like yours is a good reminder for me, so thank you

Originally Posted by trying2survive

wow! you are soooo lucky, i pushed my ex away 4 months ago (and of course i have been trying to get her back ever since), i just found out i'm bpd about 5 days ago, i told her about 2 days ago, we still talk on the phone every day, but i feel like she'll never forgive me for all the things i've done. i try to explain to her how i feel, she says i'm just too sensitive. i wish my ex was as understanding as your bf

I am lucky indeed
I'm sorry you pushed her away, but if she's the one for you, I'm sure she'll come back in time. Sometimes we just have to give them some time and space to process, my bf has been known to retreat while he licks the wounds I inflict. I've learned that his wounds heal quicker if I allow him some room to breath...

I'm really sorry you're hurting

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Wow is right I think I'm slowly starting to accept that he really is with me for the long haul. Reading replies like yours is a good reminder for me, so thank you





I am lucky indeed
I'm sorry you pushed her away, but if she's the one for you, I'm sure she'll come back in time. Sometimes we just have to give them some time and space to process, my bf has been known to retreat while he licks the wounds I inflict. I've learned that his wounds heal quicker if I allow him some room to breath...

I'm really sorry you're hurting

thank you so much for this, that's exactly what i needed to hear, you just made my day i guess we can do some damage, huh? hee hee. i don't mean to i just can't help it sometimes! she did agree to spend her birthday with me so i'm really happy about that! just 17 more days to go thanks again

[Unrigged64072835]

Thanks for this. I still haven't grown out of all my BPD traits and I'm approaching 50! But I have a good support system and I use my DBT skills all the time. I find that mindfulness is very important to me, as I get caught up in worry a lot.