[isntlifewonderful]

I don't know what I am. I put on so many different masks. I can act outgoing and fun, or quiet and shy without even thinking about it. I become this kind, loving and social person some days. I laugh and make sure everyone feels safe. The next day I'm avoiding all social situations, staring at the floor and constantly pinching myself to keep in touch with reality. I don't feel like neither of those sides are ME. I don't care about the people I'm being nice to, I feel nothing for them.
I'm being so mean and manipulative towards the people I love. I don't mean to be, it just happens, I feel awful afterwards. I toy around with my mother's emotions to get what I want and always make sure she feels terrible when we're arguing. I insult my brother, who is chronically ill in the most cruel ways when he makes me mad. I threaten to commit suicide, to do heavy drugs, to run away etc. I always punish myself for being a horrible person by selfharming though.
I feel like my mental illness isn't bad enough, yet I use it as an excuse for being a **** and yell at people for not being careful around me because I'm vulnerable. I don't know why I do that either. It just happens. And I hate it.
I just want them to stay with me, and since my parents sent me to this ******* treatment center, I feel so abandoned and unwanted. I'm just pushing them away with my stupid behaviours and moodswings, I know that. I want them to hug me but everytime they try when I'm upset, I get even more upset, push them away and start yelling again.
I'm so scared they'll see me living elsewhere while in therapy as a chance to shut me out of their lives completely. As for the only person I love outside my family... she's got BPD too. But she's a better person. She doesn't hurt others the way I do. I hurt her too... when I get too paranoid and afraid of being abandoned by her I sometimes threaten to commit suicide or do heavy drugs, or I just accuse her of pushing me away. This is the most horrible thing I could to to someone with BPD... I've given her panic attacks and I'll never forgive myself for this. I just want to hug her. I've promised myself to stop the threats towards her. Never again. I'll just cut myself a little deeper than I usually allow myself to do or something to keep me from doing it. I just want to make her happy. You have no idea how much I'm breaking while writing this... this girl means the world to me. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful I think she is in every way.
I dissociate too much. I can't even move sometimes, I feel an overwhelming urge to scream and cry but all I can do is lay there, stare at the ceiling, unable to even move my little finger. Normally though, I just can't recognize myself in the mirror, other people seem unreal. It's hard to describe but, I feel like I'm sitting inside my eyes, looking out through a window. Everything, even my own body is so far away.
I've been diagnosed with PTSD too. I feel bad about that. Like I'm not in a bad enough state, and the things that happened to me weren't traumatizing enough to put me in that category. I mean, I'm traumatized, but not enough for PTSD.
I hate being a horrible person, and how I always act like a martyr. I just want a normal life, normal emotions. I just want to be held and loved.
Help me

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[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful

I don't know what I am. I put on so many different masks. I can act outgoing and fun, or quiet and shy without even thinking about it. I become this kind, loving and social person some days. I laugh and make sure everyone feels safe. The next day I'm avoiding all social situations, staring at the floor and constantly pinching myself to keep in touch with reality. I don't feel like neither of those sides are ME. I don't care about the people I'm being nice to, I feel nothing for them.
I'm being so mean and manipulative towards the people I love. I don't mean to be, it just happens, I feel awful afterwards.

I get that. Going from one way - being nice and loving so much one moment and then later, just not caring about anyone at all and being numb, or even lashing out at those you love the most and hurting them, then feeling awful and like you want to die after.

Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful

I feel bad about that. Like I'm not in a bad enough state, and the things that happened to me weren't traumatizing enough to put me in that category. I mean, I'm traumatized, but not enough for PTSD.
I hate being a horrible person, and how I always act like a martyr. I just want a normal life, normal emotions. I just want to be held and loved.
Help me

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

I could have written that except I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD and haven't really had anything traumatic happen to me that is cause for any of the way that I am. On the one hand, it would be great if there were a reason for the way I am, but on the other, I'd probably just use it as an excuse. I already use depression as an excuse, and feel guilty as #*!$ for feeling "depressed" because I have no good reason to be.

I wish there were something i could do to help you, all I got is letting you know I feel this way too, so you're not alone. I get feeling like a martyr, or a victim, or a horrible person. It's all really painful and I don't know if people who haven't experienced something like it will ever know or understand. I don't know why I would choose to be this way and choose to be in so much pain.

[isntlifewonderful]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

I get that. Going from one way - being nice and loving so much one moment and then later, just not caring about anyone at all and being numb, or even lashing out at those you love the most and hurting them, then feeling awful and like you want to die after.



I could have written that except I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD and haven't really had anything traumatic happen to me that is cause for any of the way that I am. On the one hand, it would be great if there were a reason for the way I am, but on the other, I'd probably just use it as an excuse. I already use depression as an excuse, and feel guilty as #*!$ for feeling "depressed" because I have no good reason to be.

I wish there were something i could do to help you, all I got is letting you know I feel this way too, so you're not alone. I get feeling like a martyr, or a victim, or a horrible person. It's all really painful and I don't know if people who haven't experienced something like it will ever know or understand. I don't know why I would choose to be this way and choose to be in so much pain.

It does feel a little better knowing I'm not alone though I'm sorry you have to go through all of this too.
I wish there was an easy way to just STOP all of these behaviours and start acting like a decent person. The people I love deserve so much more than I can ever be. Sigh.

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