[woundedsoul]

My issues with sex go as far back as soon as I started having sex as a teenager. Well, before that, because of what my dad had done to me as a child, and he had tried again when I was 12, he was drunk and he tried lifting up my shirt, I screamed no at him and ran up the stairs to my room and locked my door. I don't know how long I stayed locked in there. I was so scared that he was trying to do that to me again. After that, I made sure never to be left alone with my father. After that happened, my family had just moved to Phoenix from a small town in upstate NY and taken me away from everything I knew and all my friends. The new friends i had made I thought all the girls were so much prettier than me, and I was so fat. Gosh, my sister for years had been telling me how fat I was. Even though I was starting to loose weight, I still didn't look like those girls. They were mature, and gorgeous. I was just a little fat girl. So when this older guy in the apartments came around, I thought he was gorgeous. Of course, he was twice my age, he was in his early 20's and I was in the 7th grade, but I had a huge crush on him. But of course he would never likever me, he was way too old for me. But then he started talking to me, and flirting with me, and he kissed me. Oh my gosh, I was in love! I couldn't believe he actually liked me. Then one night, he came to my bedroom window, and took the screen off, and knocked, and when I opened it ,he came in of course, and after that I had no idea what we were doing. I was scared and I didn't know what to say. I just layer there. And then he left, and I cried. I've never told anyone that, ever. It makes me sick to think of what I did. I can't believe I just let him in and let him do that when I was that age. Why didn't I say no?

[TimeToKnow]

I'm sorry that happened to you! It was not your fault, he was much older than you and he should have had better judgement. Doing that to a much younger girl is horrible and very hurtful. I hope you can overcome your issues with sex and enjoy it with that special someone.

[Kimaya]

That is a terrible thing to have happened to you... its hard to know why we do the things we do sometimes, especially when it comes to abuse. It may have been because of fear of disappointing or losing the other person... or being in a situation where you aren't sure what you are "supposed" to do. Be kind to yourself.

I let people take advantage of me when I was young too... I had a more indifferent feeling concerning myself though, because I was conceited I think.

Trigger: Violence: If I had been there for you I would have picked up some furniture and slammed it in his face before proceeding to beat the ever loving crap out of him.

[woundedsoul]

It seems my whole life I've been hurting myself somehow. Ever since my late teen years I've noticed that the only time I really enjoy having sex with anyone is when we first meet and for the first few months. But as soon as things start to get serious, I start to like the sex less and less, until the point where I don't want it at all. It's like something about it disgusts me. I will lay in bed and my heart will raise, I won't be able to catch my breath. Like I'm having a full on panic attack. I don't know what is wrong with me. I love my husband and I want to want to have sex with him, but I just don't know why this is happening to me. Why did I want to when we first met, but not after we became more intimate with each other? It's like I'm telling him that I'm not attracted to him, but that's not true, I am. But I don't know how to fix this issue.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by woundedsoul

It seems my whole life I've been hurting myself somehow. Ever since my late teen years I've noticed that the only time I really enjoy having sex with anyone is when we first meet and for the first few months. But as soon as things start to get serious, I start to like the sex less and less, until the point where I don't want it at all. It's like something about it disgusts me. I will lay in bed and my heart will raise, I won't be able to catch my breath. Like I'm having a full on panic attack. I don't know what is wrong with me. I love my husband and I want to want to have sex with him, but I just don't know why this is happening to me. Why did I want to when we first met, but not after we became more intimate with each other? It's like I'm telling him that I'm not attracted to him, but that's not true, I am. But I don't know how to fix this issue.

perhaps talking to him about this and therapy will help, you may not feel..sometimes, a lot of times us BPD's crave excitement & something new & if everything is going well we don't know how to accept/deal with it.

also when we are starting to get closer to people we tend to push away..subconsciously you might be doing this. again i would suggest talking about it with him & perhaps therapy as well..good luck!

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by woundedsoul

My issues with sex go as far back as soon as I started having sex as a teenager. Well, before that, because of what my dad had done to me as a child, and he had tried again when I was 12, he was drunk and he tried lifting up my shirt, I screamed no at him and ran up the stairs to my room and locked my door. I don't know how long I stayed locked in there. I was so scared that he was trying to do that to me again. After that, I made sure never to be left alone with my father. After that happened, my family had just moved to Phoenix from a small town in upstate NY and taken me away from everything I knew and all my friends. The new friends i had made I thought all the girls were so much prettier than me, and I was so fat. Gosh, my sister for years had been telling me how fat I was. Even though I was starting to loose weight, I still didn't look like those girls. They were mature, and gorgeous. I was just a little fat girl. So when this older guy in the apartments came around, I thought he was gorgeous. Of course, he was twice my age, he was in his early 20's and I was in the 7th grade, but I had a huge crush on him. But of course he would never likever me, he was way too old for me. But then he started talking to me, and flirting with me, and he kissed me. Oh my gosh, I was in love! I couldn't believe he actually liked me. Then one night, he came to my bedroom window, and took the screen off, and knocked, and when I opened it ,he came in of course, and after that I had no idea what we were doing. I was scared and I didn't know what to say. I just layer there. And then he left, and I cried. I've never told anyone that, ever. It makes me sick to think of what I did. I can't believe I just let him in and let him do that when I was that age. Why didn't I say no?

i don't think you should beat yourself up about it, you were young and you had a huge crush on him.how could you say no?? i don't think anyone else in that situation would have.

you probably couldn't believe he even kissed you..i totally understand were you are coming from, you were young & defenseless..just wasn't your fault.
you probably felt ashamed afterward so you cried, but you really liked him ( or at least you thought you did) so that controlled your thought process.

it's unfortunate that this experience is giving you trouble in your sex life, but the bright side is you did get to be with someone that you had an enormous crush on..i wish i could have been so lucky when i was your age.

it's in the past now and it shouldn't define you as a person..try to let it go and leave it in the past. keeping it bottled up inside and feeling bad about it will only do you harm in your present day life.

hopefully this helps..at least a little.

[woundedsoul]

Thanks everyone for the support. I've always felt really bad about myself for what I let happen to with him, like I really should have known better. But when I look at my boys now who are about to be the age I was when that happened, all of 12 years old, and he was 24, I have to think, goodness, I can't even imagine my boys having sex at their age. They're just children. They're still babies. A 24 year old is an adult. Why was he interested in a 12 year old? Now that I look at it from a grown ups point of view? That's disgusting, isn't it? I can't even imagine what he saw in me. I know that I had developed early, but I was still a child. I had no sexual experience. Anyway, I just habe to move on. Thanks everyone.

[nicoleflynn]

Hope you will get into some counseling...hugs

[serolod]

Originally Posted by woundedsoul

Thanks everyone for the support. I've always felt really bad about myself for what I let happen to with him, like I really should have known better. But when I look at my boys now who are about to be the age I was when that happened, all of 12 years old, and he was 24, I have to think, goodness, I can't even imagine my boys having sex at their age. They're just children. They're still babies. A 24 year old is an adult. Why was he interested in a 12 year old? Now that I look at it from a grown ups point of view? That's disgusting, isn't it? I can't even imagine what he saw in me. I know that I had developed early, but I was still a child. I had no sexual experience. Anyway, I just habe to move on. Thanks everyone.

Absolutely! You were just a baby. It's hard sometimes to step outside of ourselves and think back. I often feel responsible about things that happened when I was that young, then I step back and think... 12? wow I was just a kid, there's no way that was my fault. I'm glad you can see it this way.

[Lefty_Mac]

Originally Posted by woundedsoul

My issues with sex go as far back as soon as I started having sex as a teenager. Well, before that, because of what my dad had done to me as a child, and he had tried again when I was 12, he was drunk and he tried lifting up my shirt, I screamed no at him and ran up the stairs to my room and locked my door. I don't know how long I stayed locked in there. I was so scared that he was trying to do that to me again. After that, I made sure never to be left alone with my father. After that happened, my family had just moved to Phoenix from a small town in upstate NY and taken me away from everything I knew and all my friends. The new friends i had made I thought all the girls were so much prettier than me, and I was so fat. Gosh, my sister for years had been telling me how fat I was. Even though I was starting to loose weight, I still didn't look like those girls. They were mature, and gorgeous. I was just a little fat girl. So when this older guy in the apartments came around, I thought he was gorgeous. Of course, he was twice my age, he was in his early 20's and I was in the 7th grade, but I had a huge crush on him. But of course he would never likever me, he was way too old for me. But then he started talking to me, and flirting with me, and he kissed me. Oh my gosh, I was in love! I couldn't believe he actually liked me. Then one night, he came to my bedroom window, and took the screen off, and knocked, and when I opened it ,he came in of course, and after that I had no idea what we were doing. I was scared and I didn't know what to say. I just layer there. And then he left, and I cried. I've never told anyone that, ever. It makes me sick to think of what I did. I can't believe I just let him in and let him do that when I was that age. Why didn't I say no?

Don't torture yourself over this. You didn't understand what was going on, and it's not your fault. Sent ya a friend request, fellow swimmer

[Verity81]

You were a child plain and simple and he was an adult so what he did was abuse and so you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's not surprising it effects your sex life, abuse often does. It maybe you need to deal with this in therapy. Remember him befriending you etc was grooming, abusers do this to gain your trust and look for vulnerable children who will get attached or develop a crush. It's normal for 12 year olds to have crushes on adults it's not normal or moral for the adult to take advantage of this and abuse the child. You did nothing wrong, it is him who was in the wrong.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Verity81

You were a child plain and simple and he was an adult so what he did was abuse and so you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's not surprising it effects your sex life, abuse often does. It maybe you need to deal with this in therapy. Remember him befriending you etc was grooming, abusers do this to gain your trust and look for vulnerable children who will get attached or develop a crush. It's normal for 12 year olds to have crushes on adults it's not normal or moral for the adult to take advantage of this and abuse the child. You did nothing wrong, it is him who was in the wrong.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

i couldn't agree with you more!

[woundedsoul]

Thanks, that really makes me feel so much better. This really has haunted me for years, so much so that I have never told anyone. But I guess I have never really had anyone that I've been close enough to that i have shared any of the really bad things about myself with. I've just kept them all to myself. Maybe now that I'm here, I can start to deal with them instead of burying them.