Don’t seem to be ready after all

Hi,

I’m new here and kind of needed a place to rant/vent/process/whateveryouwannacallit… though I suppose I should probably give a bit of an introduction first.

I’m a 30 year old woman with BPD. I’ve been in therapy from age 16 but only learned about the BPD a few years ago (when it finally occurred to me to ask). My mother passed away over 2 years ago and I’ve been living on my own ever since. Last time I had any kind of bf was about 3 years ago and last time I had an IRL one was over 4 years ago.

You couldn’t imagine 3 men that could possibly be any more different from each other than the guys in the last 3 relationships I was in… and yet they each taught me (in very different ways and for different reasons) that I wasn’t emotionally ready for relationships… So I took a break from men, relationships, love, sex and all that for the past 3 years and figured I’d try again when I felt ready. My therapist occasionally tried to nudge me in the direction of looking for a relationship again but I kept telling her that I didn’t feel ready yet.

Anyway, in the past few months it so happens I’ve had the opportunity to chat on the job with some people at my work place… and one of them so happens to be male, straight and single and it so happens we have similar taste when it comes to some TV shows, books and movies. He’s very intelligent and has a decent sense of humor, both of which I find essential in a guy.

So (figuring that he seems like a good candidate and that maybe I’ve waited enough) for the past couple of months I’ve used every opportunity I could get to try and chat with him and get to know him. He’s an extremely introverted guy and it’s taken a long time to get him interested in chatting back. At first I didn’t have a problem with the slow pace because I’m normally introverted too and also frankly felt quite scared and unsure about having a relationship with anyone.

Realizing that this might lead to a relationship, I’ve spent the past month doing some intense work (both in therapy and with myself) to try and deal with some related childhood traumas that I’d rather not discuss at this point yet. The result of this was that recently I’ve actually found myself starting to yearn for a relationship again, which is something I hadn’t felt in years… and – wouldn’t you know it – together with that came something else I hadn’t felt in years – all the BPD crap!

A couple of weeks ago I started feeling the first pangs of a kind of emotional roller coaster ride, only back then it was still fairly weak and mild. Basically – he’d smile at me and I’d think “he likes me!” and feel happy, then the next day or even the same day he’d frown or appear to ignore me and I’d think “he doesn’t like me!” and I’d get slightly depressed. Right from the beginning I was aware that this was just the BPD talking and that I was being ridiculous but I figured that with time, self-awareness and self-control it would get better.

Well… it didn’t get better, it got worse. The highs got higher and the lows got much lower. Today I had a difficult time concentrating at work because I had to smile and act natural while fighting the urge to scream, cry and/or walk out and say I’m quitting and kept having them good ole’ intrusive thoughts about how my life worth nothing, going nowhere and I should just kill myself… and all this was basically because he’d appeared cold/distant the other day (and mind you – we hadn’t even started any kind of relationship yet… we haven’t even hinted at asking each other out yet… we hadn’t even gotten to the point of being freaking buddies yet).

Anyway, on top of that, I appear to have pretty much devaluated him today. We hadn’t had a chance to interact at all (fortunately) but I found myself resenting him for literally no reason what so ever, I lost all inclination to want to start something with him and by the end of the day he actually appeared less physically attractive.

The other disturbing thing is that I spent the day trying to decide whether I wanted to A) continue perusing him, B) stop perusing him and continue to stay alone, or C) start perusing somebody (anybody!) else … figuring that things might be easier with a relatively less cold/introverted guy. What makes this disturbing isn’t the thoughts themselves but the fact that I wasn’t able to decide which of these 3 options felt more “right” and as time went by I felt more and more frantic about finding the “right answer”.
In the end, as soon as I got home I called up a guy on the building committee pointing out to him that I owed him money and so he said he’d meet me on Wednesday to collect it… and the only reason I did that was that the guy’s shown interest in me in the past and on Wednesday I have every intention of asking him out! (on the probably slim chance that I still feel then the way I do now that is…).

It’s been a long, long time since the last time I’ve felt this impulsive and out of control and it’s especially freaking me out because it’s all happening this early. I haven’t even had a chance to get to the starting point with the guy at work before I got to the devaluation stage. I thought I was stronger and more stable than this…

I do know that he’s not a bad guy at all, he’s a very, very decent guy, but I just find him too intimidating.

Hi, Laelia, and welcome to Psych Central! As you suspect, all these feelings are signs of your BPD kicking in. I suggest you talk to your therapist about it and keep working on your treatment. And perhaps stay on friendly terms with this fellow at work, but don't try to see him as a possible boyfriend at this point, since that seems to be triggering.

But, of course, listen to what your therapist says.

Thanks for the reply Travelinglady. I’m definitely going to discuss this with my therapist next time I see her, unfortunately that’ll only be at the end of next week ‘cause this week she’s away…

I agree with you about the guy at work; I’ll continue being buddies with him but it would probably be best to avoid trying for a relationship with him right now.

Umm… as for the guy on the building committee whom I may or may not ask out tomorrow… I realize that from an objective standpoint it probably doesn’t make any sense that I’d ask somebody else out right after (and as a result of) getting triggered away from another guy… and I also realize that the idea to call him up came from somewhere impulsive (and as a general rule I try to always resist impulsivity even if I can’t think right away of a rational reason to do so)… and yet… I still don’t find myself entirely convinced that asking him out tomorrow would necessarily be a bad idea, despite the abundance of evidence that it probably would be…

Erm… looking at it from a pros and cons perspective, what I figure is this:

Cons:
1) As I’ve just learned from the example of the guy at work, I’m apparently still not mentally ready for a relationship yet because I apparently still tend to turn borderline at the first whiff of romance.

2) A while ago I actually did consider the building committee guy as a potential mate and came up with excuses to chat with him for hours on end (he was happy and willing to do so) but I eventually gave it up because there didn’t seem to be any chemistry there.

3) He’s pretty much in the process of moving away and will be living an hour or so away, in the middle of some farm, in an apartment that’s essentially part of his parents’ house.

Pros:
1) After having finally gotten back to the point of actually wanting a relationship again for the first time in years (and it was a pretty darn painful/triggering process getting there) I don’t really want to come out of it “empty handed” and revert back to my ice-queen stage for God-knows-how-many-more-years.

2) It would probably make my therapist happy if I did try dating someone, even if it ultimately turns into a train wreck, if only so that she and I can finally start doing some relationship-work.

3) He may be kind of boring but he’s at least not cold and distant and he does seem both interested and sensitive so there’s probably less chance of getting triggered by him. Plus he’s not a coworker, which also makes things relatively less complicated.

4) BECAUSE he’s going away it would probably be best to at least try grabbing him before he leaves (I live in a pretty small town where most of the decent guys are either taken or long gone to the big city) and it’s not like I haven’t done long distance before anyway.

Um, sorry for going on and on about this btw, I basically just wanted to process this idea before doing something stupid… not that doing so has always actually helped prevent me from doing stupid things… but I figure this way I’ll at least be able to tell myself later that I did think about running into the brick wall before running into the brick wall

ahh, the dreaded BPD..funny how it screws things up for us sometimes, eh?
seems like as long as we don't dabble in relationships we are 'cured' so to speak.

at least i feel that way sometimes..and wonder why i even try.

i think the best thing for us BPD's when trying to initiate any type of romantic relationship, is to see the person in small doses( once a week).

i believe in the beginning anything more than that is just too much.with you working together, you will constantly see and wonder about him and what he's doing..if he is talking to someone else too much, if he's talking about you, if he is thinking about you.

the situation can quickly spiral out of control, which of course if you are anything like me will inevitably lead to you curled up in the bed crying and unable to get out of the bed due to so much emotional pain.and then of course the devaluation stage & you've got to look at this guy every day afterward...

idk, tough spot..but with the pangs roiling up already..you may want to reconsider..unless somehow you can control it. good luck!

Thanks for your reply too trying2survive (um, by the time you wrote this I’d already written my second post on this thread but it hasn’t been approved yet cuz I’m still under 5 posts which is why these two are separate)

I know what you mean about the not dabbling in relationships bit… I know at least one other girl with BPD who also decided at one point to stop dating because she said she’s “not healthy” when in any kind of a relationship. I wonder how common it is among us to become generally more unbalanced when with someone… Still, I don’t really want to think of staying alone forever as the answer :/. My mother had BPD too (not officially dxed but she certainly fit the bill) and for the last 20+ years of her life she stayed single on purpose… sometimes the idea appeals to me too but I don’t really want to end up the same way…

I don’t really get to see the guy at work every day btw. It’s only when we get assigned to working side on the same thing on the same day, which happens about twice a week, and even then we don’t always have a chance to talk. I agree that that usually helps against intensity though. My best friend (of 5 years now) have a rule of only talking to each other for a set amount of time once a week (she’s a BPDer too btw and a strong believer in boundaries).

yeah, i could never stop dating..being alone forever just wouldn't do.
so far the once a week thing has been going well for me.

this way i get just enough attention..but not enough to become severely attached like i do.

it has really helped with the intensity..but to answer your question..it is quite common for us to become more unbalanced when emotionally involved. if i'm not into someone..most of the time you would never know i'm BPD.

but if i get emotionally involved with someone..all bets are off!