[MisterUnderstood]

Hey all, so I'm wondering if what I have is common with all borderlines... I know that we all have issues with relationships for the most part, and I am the stereotypical intense at the beginning, unstable after a couple days, almost like the movie Fatal Attraction with Glenn Close. I'm wondering if after somebody says something that REALLY upsets you, like really gets under your skin, do any of you go out on an all-out war almost and just attempt to destroy the other person emotionally? Like I will use the worst thing I can find about somebody and then basically stab them with it. For example, if I know somebody was in an abusive relationship with their father, and they make me feel like *****, I'll say something like "Well, look! You're turning into your father! Abusive and selfish." Or "Wow, maybe your father should've just killed you when he had the chance." I know it's absolutely HORRIBLE, but they just kinda come out... Almost like I want them to feel the same kind of pain I feel they caused me. I'll use anything I can throw at them as ammunition, and it's extremely bad because I can't have a relationship for more than 5 days without getting upset and snapping.... If anyone has this symptom, can you please give me some tips on how to help it? I'm honestly struggling so hard with this and it's like I'm always ready to blow.. :/ Thank you.

[Kimaya]

If its someone who just went from idealization to extreme devaluation through an act of betrayal, its bad for me. I want to make them feel as much pain as I do. Mostly I just fantasize about it though, now, thankfully. I have hurt people I love(d) really badly in the past with words and actions though.

But yea, lashing out happens...

I am constantly building a defense around people in general - especially the ones who I do not have an idealization of or maybe even just don't like, though, and in that build up I gather information and store hateful remarks in ready so that I will go down kicking back or maybe even appear to be far tougher than I really am - because I expect to be attacked eventually. I keep the remarks in now though through some self-taught methods I am still working on, but sometimes they are just waiting to come out especially when some person I could care less about has tried to hurt or has hurt me. In my mind sometimes I am just sitting there thinking the person has no idea how bad I could hurt them, as I let them win. Letting them do their worst and not responding the way I want to takes almost everything I have sometimes, but it means a lot to me. Self-control.

I take little punches though. I guess you could say when I fight I pull my punches now, just to let them know to back off. Still though, sometimes you can misjudge how much even a small remark will hurt someone. I hurt a friend recently like that, who I felt had betrayed me. It could have been so much worse, but as it was it was bad enough for him to run away for a long time.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by MisterUnderstood

Hey all, so I'm wondering if what I have is common with all borderlines... I know that we all have issues with relationships for the most part, and I am the stereotypical intense at the beginning, unstable after a couple days, almost like the movie Fatal Attraction with Glenn Close. I'm wondering if after somebody says something that REALLY upsets you, like really gets under your skin, do any of you go out on an all-out war almost and just attempt to destroy the other person emotionally? Like I will use the worst thing I can find about somebody and then basically stab them with it. For example, if I know somebody was in an abusive relationship with their father, and they make me feel like *****, I'll say something like "Well, look! You're turning into your father! Abusive and selfish." Or "Wow, maybe your father should've just killed you when he had the chance." I know it's absolutely HORRIBLE, but they just kinda come out... Almost like I want them to feel the same kind of pain I feel they caused me. I'll use anything I can throw at them as ammunition, and it's extremely bad because I can't have a relationship for more than 5 days without getting upset and snapping.... If anyone has this symptom, can you please give me some tips on how to help it? I'm honestly struggling so hard with this and it's like I'm always ready to blow.. :/ Thank you.

idk if i would use the term "all out war" but if i get hurt i can get pretty nasty, generally when i go into devaluation mode, i will try to ignore the person or just cut them off all together..but if confrontation is unavoidable i have a variety of tactics to get my point across.

if my many various forms of manipulation don't work, i've got some passive aggressive tricks up my sleeve.

i'm really trying to work on this so nowadays i make it a point if i am seeing someone, i don't talk to them everyday or see them everyday, to keep myself from becoming so attached so quickly...i have learned to take things very slowly instead of my usual "ok we have been seeing each other for a few days or a week i'm ready for her to move in" routine.

it may still cross my mind, but i know it's better to wait and feel everything out and keep a handle on my BPD, so try your acquaintances in "small doses"
and maybe it will help you get past the 5 day mark!

[ifst5]

If i think someone's trying to destroy me then i can get triggered into wanting to destroy them...i've never hit or hurt anyone like that but i have damaged certain family members cars, been emotionally/verbally abusive towards them etc. But this has always been a reaction to how they've treated me. Not that that excuses such behaviour or means i've abducated responsibility, but i'm not sure i would have even developed a personality disorder had i just grown up around normal people...

[tohelpafriend]

A general reply to this thread is that although I have identified many of the borderline's traits, my defenses & anxieties about healthy boundaries have not changed for a very long time so that I know I have to get T for the specific and underlying causes for these long entrenched defenses. I understand what you are saying, misterunderstood....although I don't respond exactly like that, in general I think you hit on a symptom and that is wanting others or someone at certain times and/or junctures in our experiences, to feel the pain either they caused us or something or someone else did in the past. The way I diffuse these thoughts is being mindful of what is going on with me in response to someone or some situation and to try to maintain some objectivity about it. For instance, this state refused to extend my renewal auto registration because they wrote I missed an app't. last year sometime, however, after getting all upset that I did have the emissions test done, and remembered it was a computer glitch in the car that had to be reset and the testing center must have made a note of that in their shared computer with the state, I have to just march down there tomorrow, after a cooling off period, and calmly reason with them that I should not have to pay for the emissions test again, because they said the car's computer system had to reset itself after so many miles. Fighting over not getting ripped off about a bill is something I'm always vigilant about, but I suspect after reading these posts and considering my borderline traits, I'd better do something about resetting my reactions by getting down to when, how and why these later patterns of coping developed. I panic over anything I cannot control and figure that is a symptom...always needing to be in control but why?
Suspect this can be traced back to something specific which got ingrained in my behavior and reactions. I hope someone can make sense of this, because I know it takes work, work, work to change psychological responses or conditions. Have a great day, let me know, anyone, if you can relate to something i've written.

Peace,
"help.................."

[MisterUnderstood]

So I guess the overall theme here is that it may be a little excessive, but it's a normal part of devaluation. I actually have a therapist appointment today, and I'm switching psychiatrists soon, so I'm hoping that there will be a way to help me work past this. I went to a therapist for about 6-8 months previously, once a week, and didn't really make much progress, but tbh, I think it was because instead of focusing on practical solutions to help with my rage and mood swings, he was more of a meditation and relaxation kind of person, which really just didn't click with me. Tbh I don't know what I expect therapy to do. I really have no basis at all on how to learn anything. Although on the plus side, I'm very calm right now, being on Vicodin for my wisdom teeth haha. Too bad this stuff is addictive. Oh, and speaking of... Is it a stereotype or is it really true that borderlines have very addictive personalities? I mean, I've been smoking for almost a year, and I can go days or even a week without smoking. So I wouldn't say I have an addictive personality, although that might just be self-serving bias so..

[tohelpafriend]

[But this has always been a reaction to how they've treated me. Not that that excuses such behaviour or means i've abducated responsibility, but i'm not sure i would have even developed a personality disorder had i just grown up around normal people...[/QUOTE]]

Hi ifst,
I think after reading your post here again, that you're def onto something i'm trying to figure out.....why did this borderline thing with me develop and why?
I have to go back and review alot of reading on the subject...abnormal people will always have some damaging effect on us...esp. I guess in the early years....in my case I suspect it was one of my parents, now gone, but I was spiritually sensitive at a young age and even now I can remember of how oppressive it felt at times to be around her, even in later years when I had my own kids.....she was def messed up and I'm sorry for that, esp. in those days if someone were depressed or depressed post-partum in the case of women, the info just wasn't out there about how to deal with it in a healthy way. Anyway, keep posting,

Peace,
"help......"

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by MisterUnderstood

So I guess the overall theme here is that it may be a little excessive, but it's a normal part of devaluation. I actually have a therapist appointment today, and I'm switching psychiatrists soon, so I'm hoping that there will be a way to help me work past this. I went to a therapist for about 6-8 months previously, once a week, and didn't really make much progress, but tbh, I think it was because instead of focusing on practical solutions to help with my rage and mood swings, he was more of a meditation and relaxation kind of person, which really just didn't click with me. Tbh I don't know what I expect therapy to do. I really have no basis at all on how to learn anything. Although on the plus side, I'm very calm right now, being on Vicodin for my wisdom teeth haha. Too bad this stuff is addictive. Oh, and speaking of... Is it a stereotype or is it really true that borderlines have very addictive personalities? I mean, I've been smoking for almost a year, and I can go days or even a week without smoking. So I wouldn't say I have an addictive personality, although that might just be self-serving bias so..

to answer you question on addictive personalities..i think it depends on the person, i know i do. but everyone is different in their own kind of way i suppose