[cureav]

This is by Wikipedia, a common characteristic in people with BPD.

I don't think I have BPD, but my father, who is adult child of an alcoholic, acts this way constantly, and it impacted my life so much that I attract into my life people who also have this excessive need to be nurtured, and they at first carefully detect this helpfulness that my father programmed in me, and than slowly suck me into their lives and keep me around them; they give only as little to keep me around and take so much, exploit, 'till I emotionally bankrupt.

Even this morning, one of my friends (with these tendencies) texted me with a question that he cannot find something on the internet, and I am overwhelmed with this hundred and first request that I am sure he can manage by his own, but what he really wants is a sense of nurturnce, a sense of virtual parent for what I don't have capacity anymore.
And my day went wrong immediately with this SMS.

Because of these people, I think that the day of me wishing to have kids will never come, cause I will hate everybody who will have even a realistic need to be helped or nurtured.

Now, don't get me wrong. I understand this my friend who lost his mother when he was a boy, but I cannot fill his emotional void and what I feel by giving him help is ENABLING and wasting my time into one big black hole.

My ex girlfriend once beautifully said his characteristic:
"He can very well detect people which he can exploit."

But at the end, our friendship is based on both sided pathological mechanism.
It takes two for relationship to function.

My question would be, is there any healthy adult way out of this dynamic?
As I said, my emotions bankrupted and I don't have words to send him.
All I can do is to ignore him and feel that he is hating me cause of that.

Thanks a lot and sorry for a long story.

[Kimaya]

From my reading, and my own experience, I don't really feel many BPD (who present this trait) recognize their manipulative behavior and it is not usually overt or calculating. I think when a Borderline recognizes in themselves their desire to be 'nurtured' that it is somewhat of a surprise to us. A lot of us might even feel the opposite - that we are independent and can take care of ourselves, and run from relationships in which we may become dependent upon the other person - feeling negative or guilty about it at a subconscious level.

Its really hard to let a Borderline person who is very needy down in any other way but hard for them, the guilt can be tough because there is real pain for the BPD that comes from a sense of abandonment once the ignoring begins, which will happen with a very needy Borderline tapping resources that are not needful of them in return.

I do not have any good practical advice... other than to avoid this type of person and to be careful how much you give of yourself to people you don't know well enough. There is a lot of literature out there devoted to the challenges for people in relationships with Borderlines that might be of help.

- Stop Walking on Eggshells (book)
- BPDcentral.com

GL

edit - I am sure it is probably just interesting coincidence, but the phrasing of several statements of your own behavior are BPDish.

[sideblinded]

I think it is pretty common that children who lost a parent or had some other traumas in their childhood have issues of rejection, abandonment, need for extra support and the like. Some people don't have this experience and are exploiters by nature.

I think it comes down to deciding whether you want to keep him as a friend because he causes you undue distress. The mature thing to do is to tell him how you feel in a gentle way. I'm just saying because you asked. Yes, this will probably hurt him but so will ignoring him. I think the only way to stop your distress is to tell him how you feel. He may not know what he is doing and he may appreciate it. You never really know what another person is thinking. I think we assume too much when it comes to issues with friends. Being up front, if it is a true friend, is always the best route in my humble opinion.

Best wishes

[Astriferous]

Being manipulative to people to get nurturance is one of my strongest BPD traits. It probably comes from surviving child abuse. That might not be your friends situation, though.

Setting boundaries with people is very important in any relationship. If you're comfortable, I would GENTLY tell your friend that their behavior is tiring you out. Please make sure you are gentle with them! In my experiences with being called out on my manipulative behavior with others, the gentler the better. It's easier for the other person to understand your needs and that you still care about them.

Also, please keep in mind that your friend probably doesn't know that they're being manipulative. Most people with BPD/BPD traits are manipulative only because they feel like it's the only way to get the attention they need.

[cureav]

Originally Posted by Astriferous

Most people with BPD/BPD traits are manipulative only because they feel like it's the only way to get the attention they need.

Thanks a lot!
I also feel this behavior in my own. And its not only about attention; its about a favor, a thing, intimacy, everything. Sometimes I think I am programmed to manipulate to obtain anything,.. as someone told me at one other place - even the things I could get only by asking, from the people who have it a lot... simply and direct ASKING for something is not an option cause I've learned that asking equals NO.
Guess its worth trying this behavior of ASKING as a project

[Astriferous]

Originally Posted by cureav

Thanks a lot!
I also feel this behavior in my own. And its not only about attention; its about a favor, a thing, intimacy, everything. Sometimes I think I am programmed to manipulate to obtain anything,.. as someone told me at one other place - even the things I could get only by asking, from the people who have it a lot... simply and direct ASKING for something is not an option cause I've learned that asking equals NO.
Guess its worth trying this behavior of ASKING as a project

Asking is always okay. It goes against instinct, but how else am I supposed to get better?

[ifst5]

Well the bottom line is that you're an adult and can do whatever you want - who's making you befriend these people and remain their friend?

To my mind, manipulation is when people successfully get what they want. Most people with BPD don't. To that end i wouldn't say that it's a defining characteristic and this has actually been backed up by research. That's not to say people with BPD are incapable of manipulation but from what i've seen - we're not very good at it.

You're also don't state that others in your life have actually been diagnosed - so i'm not sure how helpful we can be. I wonder whether you might garner more responses by reposting in the relationships and communication board.

[cureav]

Originally Posted by ifst5

You're also don't state that others in your life have actually been diagnosed - so i'm not sure how helpful we can be. I wonder whether you might garner more responses by reposting in the relationships and communication board.

You're right, I have no touch with diagnosed people. But in my country of Serbia, and our health system, our official knowledge about Cluster B personality disorders... I think that there is no person in my country with this diagnose. I feel that a health care provider would say to this person with these types of issues: "Come on... don't you have something better things to do than to bother me with these little problems?!"
I understand that you are seeing me as a person who maybe is playing of doctor, diagnosing people.
In my country its not even recognized a condition of for example PTSD, effects of alcoholism on people who are living with alcoholics, codependency... People who read about it on internet, knows much more about these dynamics and characteristics than an old health care provider who wont bother about getting new knowledge in his field cause his salary is too small.
You don't have to trust me, but its just it.
Of course, without official recognition and diagnosing of it, there is a wide range possibility of slipping into wrong type of personalities, but one thing I'm sure, only reading about it feels like I got a new pair of eyes for dysfunctional patterns of behaviors and saved a lot of my time and nerves in everyday situations.
I apologize for posting here without strong evidence of dealing with diagnosed person in my surrounding, I am just guided by personality characteristics that strikes me as a fresh healthy air.
Thanks for your replies and if this post needs to move, I am absolutely for making an order.

[ifst5]

Originally Posted by cureav

You're right, I have no touch with diagnosed people. But in my country of Serbia, and our health system, our official knowledge about Cluster B personality disorders... I think that there is no person in my country with this diagnose. I feel that a health care provider would say to this person with these types of issues: "Come on... don't you have something better things to do than to bother me with these little problems?!"
I understand that you are seeing me as a person who maybe is playing of doctor, diagnosing people.
In my country its not even recognized a condition of for example PTSD, effects of alcoholism on people who are living with alcoholics, codependency... People who read about it on internet, knows much more about these dynamics and characteristics than an old health care provider who wont bother about getting new knowledge in his field cause his salary is too small.
You don't have to trust me, but its just it.
Of course, without official recognition and diagnosing of it, there is a wide range possibility of slipping into wrong type of personalities, but one thing I'm sure, only reading about it feels like I got a new pair of eyes for dysfunctional patterns of behaviors and saved a lot of my time and nerves in everyday situations.
I apologize for posting here without strong evidence of dealing with diagnosed person in my surrounding, I am just guided by personality characteristics that strikes me as a fresh healthy air.
Thanks for your replies and if this post needs to move, I am absolutely for making an order.

You have every right to post here and to learn more about this condition for whatever reason. I'm sorry that the health system in your country isn't better...if it's any consolation, most health systems struggle when it comes to personality disorders as it usually takes a fair bit of time, and therefore money, to see whether a diagnosis can be applied.

All i would say is that personality disorders usually have a high diagnostic criteria and involve pervasive patterns of behaviour. All you can do is learn as much as you can and see whether any of the information you've gathered can be applied to resolving your difficulties.

You don't need to post elsewhere, but for the purpose of getting even more responses you could always post this thread in the relationships and communications board. I wish you all the best in learning more.