[Gwenwinin]

Recently, a relationship of mine ended. In the beginning, everything seemed great. I think I probably idolized him. As soon as I felt abandoned, though, everything went downhill. Because of my insecurity, I thought trying polyamory would be beneficial, but it only ruined my self-esteem and made me paranoid and obsessive.

It seems my most frequent faults in relationships are : assuming the motivations and thoughts of others, jumping to conclusions, not trusting.

I know there are people with BPD who managed to overcome these difficulties. But my question is, can I work on it in a worthwhile way in a committed relationship - or does it do more damage than good?

Regardless of whether I'm in a relationship or not, I will be working on it.
I don't think one or the other particularly helps. I just don't know which one harms the most. Certainly relationships tend to exacerbate paranoia and obsessive thought.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone been through this, and possibly have helpful advice?

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, Gwenwinin. My suggestion is for you to post your concerns here: Ask the Therapist

I wish you well.

[Astriferous]

I can definitely relate. The best thing you can do is talk to a therapist. I'm afraid I can't be much of help because I'm going through the exact same thing and I too have n idea what to do.

Take care.

[Serra27]

I also am going through the same, exact, I apologize, I cannot help much, but I do relate completely.

[Verity81]

I am married and working on my BPD. I feel able to still do the work needed and it's making my marriage stronger.

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[Mustkeepjob32]

I think we can be in relationships while we work through BPD. Since there is no cure for BPD, we'd never be in another relationship if we waited to be cured.

[Kimaya]

My advice is not to look for a relationship and wait until it hits you on the head, but then, yes go ahead. The person you commit with should already be aware of your issues and have displayed the capacity to handle them and also to help you learn alternate ways of thinking. Note: This would also be the advice I would give someone who did not have BPD but had previous problems with relationships.

The reason I say this is because you will be spending a very long time working on your pattern of thinking even with therapy. Maybe your entire life. In that time, you will need to practice on real people, and eventually a real relationship. Just be more cautious than you have been so far, by saying no more.

Oh, and welcome to PC!

[Trippin2.0]

I'm busy doing so right now... Primarily found a T because I couldn't keep a handle on the BPD bullshyt and it was ruining my relationship over and over again...

So far so good

My bf is proud of my efforts, acknowledges the changes I'm implementing and I must add he supports therapy because it helps me, not because it makes his life easier.

I tried working on the BPD stuff while we were separated, but honestly, its much easier for me to not behave all Borderline when single than when there's a "target" in place.

So it was really hard to keep implementing what I had learned when we got back together, and I kept beating myself up for "failing"....

Having therapy and a relationship simultaneously gives me real time practice to implement what I'm learning and has done wonders in creating awareness surrounding how my behaviour affects my loved ones and allows me to research the roots of my thought processes as well as how they affect me as they pop up...

So for me personally, its better working on this stuff while there's an accepting and loving bf to practice on.

[Notoriousglo]

I never resolved this situation until I got on meds...and I go through exactly what you are describing. Now on meds, I go into these cycles where when insecurity pops up (less often than off meds), I push the thoughts away...like they disappear? lol and I'm able to forget again and go to sleep emotionally. Idk, it's weird, but meds ALWAYS lessened that relationship break up cycle. Good luck!!!

[fletch33]

I have had friendships fail. I have had romantic relationships fail. Honestly I find that my relationships work when I have been diligently working on myself and my BPD. I have been with my fiancé for 4.5 years and we are still going strong through two hospitalizations, couples counseling, and many late night calls to crisis. You just have to be prepared to have a rocky road. I think this is true of any relationship but BPD makes things tricky. Don't give up though. You will find the one for you in time.