[hezaa82]

I could really use some advice from a BPD perspective on this situation.

First off, BPD is basically ruining all of my friendships and relationships. It's always the same reason. I have a lot of deep running feelings of being alone and unwanted and unfulfilled because of neglect and abuse that happened to me as a child. I act on those feelings by flailing about helplessly in public displays of being in pain. I post on facebook, I barrage people with texts. The worst is when I feel rejected. I respond to feeling rejected or wronged by barraging that person with texts about how upset they've made me. I'm really sensitive to being told that my feelings aren't ok because my family emotionally abused me that way growing up. So anyone telling me not to talk about being sad so much or to calm down just makes me escalate so much more.

So there's this guy that I had an "almost relationship" with. As it always is with me, things are going well and it seems like we're going to become a relationship, then poof the guy backs off and says let's be friends. They start to smell the crazy... But something different is happening this time. He seems to want to try and help me stop my bad behavior. Usually people telling me to stop has the opposite effect but I'm kind of seeing his point this time. But it's hard for me to know the right answer.

Is the key to better relationships to stop talking so much about how sad I am, or to stop looking at my life as being as sad as my mind tells me it is? Is he right when he tells me to "just stop"? I also have problems with giving up before I start, fatalistic thinking etc... So it feels like the world is rejecting me, that no one is there for me, but maybe I don't reach out to people and I give up on people before I start because I perceive rejection.

But there's also the strong possibility that this guy is emotionally unavailable, that he doesn't want anything to do with emotions, and he's trying to make me into what suits him.

I wish I had the answers... ~_~

[SDarbo]

Is the key to better relationships to stop talking so much about how sad I am, or to stop looking at my life as being as sad as my mind tells me it is? Is he right when he tells me to "just stop"? I also have problems with giving up before I start, fatalistic thinking etc... So it feels like the world is rejecting me, that no one is there for me, but maybe I don't reach out to people and I give up on people before I start because I perceive rejection.

The thing is, imo, to have other fulfilling and meaningful things going on before trying to engage a new person about a potential relationship. Secondarily when new relationship is a matter of deep concern try to avoid desperation and engage those other parts of your life that have potential to be meaningful and fufilling.

Smelled the crazy? Maybe. More likely sensed to much interest to quick and it sounded like an alarm.

We want others to be enthused but most people tend to want intensity and interest within a relationship to have some gradualness. Sudden intense interest or seeming desperation tends to make people feel like things are becoming unsafe or wild.

My interpretation could be way off. I think it has the potential to be related to yopur concerns though. Best of luck.

Edit: OP was looking for a BPD perspective. I regard myself as having many BPD traits even though have not gotten any axis II diagnoses, cause often when you have axis I diagnosis, they don't look for more diagnoses. I have many BPD friends and regard myself as BPD or having many BPD traits. Hope it was OK I answered.

[Crazy Hitch]

Relationships are usually pretty complex in us as is our emotional instability.

We can sometimes see relationships in an all or nothing light - totally working or bugger off. Black and white.

Seems to me you're starting to see a bit of the grey area now in this relationship. Which could be a turning point for you. If your relationship does progress and start to blossom there is the possibility that in some aspects you could start your black and white all or nothing thinking.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you through this transition?

[ifst5]

What you've stumbled on is something all borderlines need to get the hang of eventually - when enough is enough. I mean surely you must get sick of tired of the same situations too? You're aware that barraging people with texts and going on and on about something just doesn't work as an outlet - it pushes people away and you end up feeling worse. So it's about setting boundaries. You're allowed to feel angry and upset, you just need to work on how to channel such feelings. I would continue to tell people when you're not happy or when you think you've perceived their behaviour as negative. But then leave it. It's actually easier to state your point concisely and back away than repeat the same thing as that will actually lessen the impact of whatever point you're trying to make. The person on the receiving end will just think; 'ugh, she's at it again' and ignore any further messages. Do you see what i mean?

Try it. It doesn't have to be a negative response or something harmful, just something along the lines of; 'this really upset me, i don't think it was fair and i would like the opportunity to discuss it further.' If they respond in kind, great, if not - at least you can move on knowing you've tried to resolve the matter sensibly.

I think unfortunately, because of the kind of vulnerabilities we have, the sort of people we attract in our lives makes this a lot harder. I mean seeing as borderlines are mostly reactive, it stands to reason that if the people around us were more sensible - we would most likely mirror such behaviour. Perhaps you need to take stock of the people in your life and decide what friendships/relationships are no longer working. You need balanced and honest people - the kind who can be sympathetic but not indulgent of your issues. They do exist and they are worth finding.

I think the key to a better life - not just a relationship - is who you have around you and how you respond to them.