Do you want to get better?

This question has been on my mind a lot lately.

"Do you want to get better"

Right now I don't want to get better because it scares me. I don't know how to be happy. It's a world of unknowns to me and as much as I yearn for it - I don't know what I would do with it - if it came to be...

I feel like I'm just waiting to die. Does anyone else feel this way?

Thanks,
HD

24/7 365 day a year. I have only felt true happiness was for a short 2 months of my life and I miss this very very much. I have a few good days in my life. I know I need to work on making myself more happy

I've definitely gone through stages where I've become strangely and unhealthily content with being messed up and just wanted to stay that way and wallow in it.

As for not knowing what I'd be like if I was better, nothing makes me more scared of that than when I read up on DBT. I downloaded a workbook and it looks like Id have to do everything the complete opposite of how I do now. I wouldn't know me, and I'm worried I wouldn't like me.

Guess that's why I haven't looked into doing it properly, even though I know I probably should.

Dear friend, your posts always intrigue me and touch me.

I can certainly identify with your feeling that you're just waiting to die.

That is why, you need to give yourself a purpose in life. One great way to do that is to dive head first into your hobbies and whatever brings you joy ... whatever you consider a worthwhile expenditure of your time and energy. So you can look back at it and cherish the memory it leaves. I think you mentioned photography, which is great, btw. Go places, see things, lose yourself in your art. So much so, that you don't have time to ponder over the reason that girl has not texted you today. Give it your best shot !

The second part of the solution I'm proposing has to do with what I call the "zero expectations" approach to life. This means that you expect NOTHING from ANYONE or from life. Do your best, and accept whatever you get. This means that you don't give someone else control of your emotions. If that girl doesn't text you, you just don't give a damn, because you are too busy cropping that beautiful sunset picture you took an hour earlier. If someone spits on your face, you tell yourself that person must be having a bad day. You say, "Have a nice day.", and move on to the next part of your day. So, this approach also includes compassion for others. DO NOT LOSE YOUR CALM OVER THINGS YOU CANNOT CONTROL.

Consider this analogy: You're going through your life on an express train, and you make very few stops, allowing others to climb on. If they climb on, great, but if not, it doesn't matter. The train has a schedule to keep. It doesn't wait around forever for others. You just keep steaming towards your final destination - your goals and your purpose and the causes you consider worth living for.

From personal experience, and having tried so many different solutions, I am confident that if you give this approach your best shot, you will see some positive change.

Sincerely hope this helps you in some way.

Thanks for such a good reply. It makes a lot of sense.

I felt that way for a long time, but not anymore.

I know I hate the SSRI's and they seem necessary....I do want to get better

HD ...... MYFRIEND .... Just wanted to let you know that we've all been thinking about you!

There are members on here who really care about your wellbeing.

I guess for me, I don't really know what it's like to be "symptom free" for any of my disorders so I roll with the punches and sometimes I hate it. Actually most times I hate it.

I remember similar thoughts and feelings swirling around my skull at one point...

Buuuuuut, being miserable for the rest of my life wasn't an option either, I chose scary unknown change with happiness as an option over indefinite abject misery.

You're right, it's scary as *****, it's difficult, and uncomfortable because yes, we are expected to contradict our very nature in order to make positive changes.

Buut, apparently nature can be challenged and the gradual changes become second nature, which is much better than the complete alieness it is in the very beginning.

I'm all for finding goals and passions, unfortunately I have no definitive plan, so my goal for now is happiness.

In whatever way, shape or form I can obtain it.

I was doing so well for about 3 days then all of a sudden I felt very strongly about being back the way I was I didn't want to let go of BPD. I was essentially self sabotaging and I think it's because all I've ever known was despair so that has become my comfort zone. This is something I am still working on, I'm right there with you but I do hope we all get better someday

I kinda understand what you mean...I guess for me, if I were totally symptom free, life would be a little boring and I don't handle being bored well at all! I feel really good at the moment and symptoms are there but just less severe....I don't know who I am without the symptoms of BPD so I guess it feels kinda scary to think of me without my BPD!

All the best!

I am with allme I think I get bored without my symptoms and I do not handle boredom well either.

Not handling boredom well seems to be one of the symptoms, so if you're "better" the boredom probably wouldn't actually bother you like it does now.

I'm with B&B, because at first I missed that all too familiar drama, but that was because I still had ways to go.


Now that I have a much better handle on my symptoms, boredom hasn't been an issue at all.

I dont know exactly why but i honestly dont want to get better.

even though.... hurting people hurt people and i dont want to hurt others.... just me.

That is such a good question. I would love to get better and start feeling happiness more often. When happiness comes by these days it's very short and soon after It goes away. I'm so emotional these days. It's practically impossible for me to reason myself and not to have expectations..my logic says..don't expect..my heart can't. Another thing I notice is that, it's like I won't let myself be happy..how can I be miserable for hours than someone, something comes along that should make me happy..but no..it's never enough..it's like I just won't let myself be happy because it can be taken away so fast and be so painful that it's sometimes better to wish about it..ahhh anyways thats my answer at this moment..knowing myself..on a different day, it would be a whole different answer. ahhh MOODS grrr seem to control my life

I'd like to get better because I feel miserable like this however I'm scared to get better too. I know no other way to cope with life. I don't know if there is another way to cope with life so every time I feel that things are supposed to be beginning to get a little better I panic and sabotage it.

I stopped asking myself that question, for the simple reason. It was driving me crazy....literally. We can over think situations, well I have done in the past, but I am trying not to. Sometimes it is just good to accapt the bad days and not to beat yourself up about them.
Best wishes