[allme]

***Talk of death and sui, please don't read if triggered by these things****

Hi

Another thread has brought me back to this, basically since my mid 20's (now 33) I have gone through phases of obsessing and anxious about what would happen if my hubby passes before me. He is 12 yrs older than me and since women generally live longer, I figure I would spend my few final years all alone. The thing is, I am nothing without my husband. He is everything to me and he is the reason I am here today with a lot of self awareness and progress.

I don't think I can put into words how much I am reliant on my husband. He takes me everywhere (too anxious to do anything alone) and he often talks me down from a lot of craziness that goes on in my head. He also soothes me and honestly, he is my whole world.

I love him so much, I can't get it across how deeply in love I am still with this wonderful man after 15yrs together. It hasn't been easy and we have been through it all but obstacles only made us stronger.

Sorry I am veering off, my worry is, I will crumble if he goes before me...the pain I feel just thinking about it cripples me. Not only will I miss him cause I rely on him so much, I will also miss everything about him and what he means to me. I imagine I will miss him to the point where I will kill myself. Every time I think about this I end up with the same conclusion, I will just kill myself as there is no me without him and that's just that really.

Does anyone else have same issues or thoughts?

Hi there, this is very touching, and it does resonate with me.

I have felt a similar way about someone I was deeply in love with many years ago. I didn't think about her death, but everyday I did think, "If she leaves me someday, I will have nothing left, and I will unite with God.". I'm 31 now, and more independent, but when I'm with someone, I'm entirely codependent, as you seem to be, so I understand your predicament and your concerns very much.

I have been in many brief and unhealthy relationships, and have finally learned how important it is to be independent. Because, each time, I would put all my hopes on this other person, and when they'd leave, I'd be left in despair, not knowing how to put one foot in front of the other.

There are a few suggestions I have. I haven't given this too much thought, so they may sound a bit unpolished and even cold, but:
1 - Easier said than done, but I strongly feel, even though I myself tend to be codependent, that, we should all strive to be independent, even when we are with someone. This means - we have a side of ourselves that knows how to take care of ourselves. Our "identity" should never be relinquished, even in a relationship as strong as a good marriage. This also means - we maintain our friendships, our hobbies, our "me time", even while in a relationship. So that, no matter what happens, we are never left stranded high and dry. I think this is essential.
2 - If nothing else, try to take comfort in knowing that there are some things in life you just don't have a choice about. Death and taxes, to name a couple. If you did have a choice, you should be worried, because you would have to make a decision and act accordingly.

So, if you begin to develop this independence today, when the inevitable happens someday, you will be better prepared to handle it, right ? You know you will have to, so it doesn't hurt to prepare yourself now.

Sorry, I know what I have to say is not of much help, but I really think that every person on this planet should strive to be independent in as many ways as possible - financially, emotionally, physically, etc. This is how I see it. I've always been a loner, so that's my perspective.

[Rainydaiz]

Yes. Completely. My husband is 21 years older than me and I'm terrified of him dying. Not just of old age before me-he has an hour journey on the motorway to work each day which leaves me very anxious. He does everything for me although I have lived on my own and could do everything myself. But the main thing is; he's the only one apart from my t who sees the real me. I'd he utterly lost without him. I'm always saying to him, please don't leave me, don't die. I work on it in therapy cause poor man is under a lot of pressure not to die. I love him so much. I completely empathise with you. Btw the age difference is interesting because an ex boyfriend of mine died of a heart attack (fit and healthy) when he was about 33. Not very helpful I know; but age is no indicator.

[Rainydaiz]

And yes I'd be a Sui risk too if anything happened to him. My t knows this. I'm completely with you on this one. Abandonment issues.

[unaluna]

I totally felt this way about my first h. Then i knew it was time to get a divorce when he was walking behind my car and i wanted to "accidentally" slip it into reverse. I think this could be a psychological fear of abandonment, because even after i wanted to run over my first h, i then became similarly attached to my second h, that is, really not in a good or healthy way.

You have written here about how sometimes you lose your temper with him. Maybe if you just generally, mindfully try to improve your relationship with him on a daily or hourly basis, it will build a stronger foundation and alleviate fears.

[allme]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Hi there, this is very touching, and it does resonate with me.

I have felt a similar way about someone I was deeply in love with many years ago. I didn't think about her death, but everyday I did think, "If she leaves me someday, I will have nothing left, and I will unite with God.". I'm 31 now, and more independent, but when I'm with someone, I'm entirely codependent, as you seem to be, so I understand your predicament and your concerns very much.

I have been in many brief and unhealthy relationships, and have finally learned how important it is to be independent. Because, each time, I would put all my hopes on this other person, and when they'd leave, I'd be left in despair, not knowing how to put one foot in front of the other.

There are a few suggestions I have. I haven't given this too much thought, so they may sound a bit unpolished and even cold, but:
1 - Easier said than done, but I strongly feel, even though I myself tend to be codependent, that, we should all strive to be independent, even when we are with someone. This means - we have a side of ourselves that knows how to take care of ourselves. Our "identity" should never be relinquished, even in a relationship as strong as a good marriage. This also means - we maintain our friendships, our hobbies, our "me time", even while in a relationship. So that, no matter what happens, we are never left stranded high and dry. I think this is essential.
2 - If nothing else, try to take comfort in knowing that there are some things in life you just don't have a choice about. Death and taxes, to name a couple. If you did have a choice, you should be worried, because you would have to make a decision and act accordingly.

So, if you begin to develop this independence today, when the inevitable happens someday, you will be better prepared to handle it, right ? You know you will have to, so it doesn't hurt to prepare yourself now.

Sorry, I know what I have to say is not of much help, but I really think that every person on this planet should strive to be independent in as many ways as possible - financially, emotionally, physically, etc. This is how I see it. I've always been a loner, so that's my perspective.

Hi

I agree I need to gain some independence and it is something my husband is trying to make me see. He said for a long time I should learn to drive as it will make me more independent but the thought of driving alone on the roads scares the life out of me. I can't go anywhere alone!

I don't want to have to need my husband as much as I do...the wanting him should over throw the need but in some cases, it doesn't.

When I was little my mum would say she would kill herself if my dad died before her...I guess I grew up thinking it was okay to think this way.. She was and still is sooo dependent on my dad...I fear I will end up just as bad as her

Thank you

[allme]

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

Yes. Completely. My husband is 21 years older than me and I'm terrified of him dying. Not just of old age before me-he has an hour journey on the motorway to work each day which leaves me very anxious. He does everything for me although I have lived on my own and could do everything myself. But the main thing is; he's the only one apart from my t who sees the real me. I'd he utterly lost without him. I'm always saying to him, please don't leave me, don't die. I work on it in therapy cause poor man is under a lot of pressure not to die. I love him so much. I completely empathise with you. Btw the age difference is interesting because an ex boyfriend of mine died of a heart attack (fit and healthy) when he was about 33. Not very helpful I know; but age is no indicator.

Hi..sorry you feel as intense as I do but it makes me feel less alone so thank you for sharing I too worry when hubby goes off by himself..like today he has gone to play golf with a friend and the roads are icy...I told him to be careful but the whole time, so far, I have done nothing but worry and his phone is switched off so it adds to the anxiety that something has happened.

I know how you feel when you say you are lost without him...I literally feel as though I am nothing without him...he is such a good person and I live in fear that one day he will really see what I am and leave me. This too would result in my demise. Although I am afraid he will see me for who I really am, I also acknowledge he knows me better than anyone and in that helps me feel some acceptance but then at the same time I don't feel he knows me enough as he would want to leave if he really knew more about me I have said this to him before and he said he knows me and who I am and still loves me and wants to be with me There is no greater feeling than when I let myself feel his acceptance. But then those thoughts come in 'he would leave if he REALLY knew me'...

Anyway....thank you

[allme]

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

And yes I'd be a Sui risk too if anything happened to him. My t knows this. I'm completely with you on this one. Abandonment issues.

This is something we both need to work on....the fear of it happening is preventing us from truly appreciating what we have while they are alive...damn it is tough!

[allme]

Originally Posted by hankster

I totally felt this way about my first h. Then i knew it was time to get a divorce when he was walking behind my car and i wanted to "accidentally" slip it into reverse. I think this could be a psychological fear of abandonment, because even after i wanted to run over my first h, i then became similarly attached to my second h, that is, really not in a good or healthy way.

You have written here about how sometimes you lose your temper with him. Maybe if you just generally, mindfully try to improve your relationship with him on a daily or hourly basis, it will build a stronger foundation and alleviate fears.

Hi Hankster
The month of December has been one of the best months I ever remember having with him...not once have I lost my temper and I feel as though I have really turned a page...I feel as though I am really getting somewhere with him but I still have the same fears and feelings about losing him...actually if anything it is on my mind more now we are living in such harmony and I think about how much more I now have to lose. I obvioulsy need to keep working on my issues and for 2015 my main priority is to become more independent.

Thank you

[Angelique67]

I feel this same way about my friend, although our relationship is of course different. The bad thing is, I felt this way about my cat for most of her life and after she died that's when things started to seriously go badly for me. So no matter how independent I was, it didn't stop my life going seriously wrong after a major loss.

[allme]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I feel this same way about my friend, although our relationship is of course different. The bad thing is, I felt this way about my cat for most of her life and after she died that's when things started to seriously go badly for me. So no matter how independent I was, it didn't stop my life going seriously wrong after a major loss.

Hey, sorry about your cat

I can relate to how you felt about your cat...I have 2 dogs and they are my babies...I can't imagine how I'll feel when I lose them There is only one person I love more than my dogs and that's my hubby. Even my love for my parents and brother come after my dogs!

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by allme

Hey, sorry about your cat

I can relate to how you felt about your cat...I have 2 dogs and they are my babies...I can't imagine how I'll feel when I lose them There is only one person I love more than my dogs and that's my hubby. Even my love for my parents and brother come after my dogs!

I know how you feel. I loved my cat and my friends more than life. My best friend died 7 years before my cat died and that's when things slowly began to unravel for me. After my cat passed I just totally fell apart. She was with me for 21 years, all my adult life at that time. I didn't know how to cope without her because she was just my constant, my touchstone. Oh well, that was 15 years ago. I have to concentrate on the present and what I can do today. Sorry to be so depressing.

[allme]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I know how you feel. I loved my cat and my friends more than life. My best friend died 7 years before my cat died and that's when things slowly began to unravel for me. After my cat passed I just totally fell apart. She was with me for 21 years, all my adult life at that time. I didn't know how to cope without her because she was just my constant, my touchstone. Oh well, that was 15 years ago. I have to concentrate on the present and what I can do today. Sorry to be so depressing.

Please, there is no need to be sorry I totally get where you are coming from...

[Crazy Hitch]

I have had fleeting thoughts before about what if something were to happen to my husband.

I don't know how I'd cope either.

He is my rock. My strength. My foundation.

I don't know how life would be without him. But I'd like to think that somehow, somewhere I'd be able to draw on the strength that he has taught me to have. Somehow.