[nevertheless002]

Hi,
(just venting, attention seeking> disregard if neccessary)
I would like to share this "issue" with You.

I am in psychotherapy for almost 9 months. I am 20.
Most of my life, I ve been trying to face my trouble with motivation. I was playing computer games a lot (escape mechanism), since I was 10 until I stopped completely in 19, before I got into therapy.

As I was 15-16 I was trying to figure out what is the purpose of life... what is the meaning right?? Why do I walk the earth, right?

Now I am 20 and I keep having these thoughts and deep feelings of no motivation.
I feel as if I have to stay alive only to not hurt anyone else by stopping to breathe. Then there are some pleasent feelings and happiness that last some time....... oh now I got a sudden feeling: I want to keep living to validate and appreciate those feelings of happiness that my T has given to me. It seems, I only want to vent here... I am alone for 3 weeks, without my T, I feel alone, because she is the only person that I can let inside my heart and head. I feel sad, because I am a monster... ugh

write it down, they say... self-therapy, they say... hehe

Originally Posted by nevertheless002

Hi,
(just venting, attention seeking> disregard if neccessary)
I would like to share this "issue" with You.

I am in psychotherapy for almost 9 months. I am 20.
Most of my life, I ve been trying to face my trouble with motivation. I was playing computer games a lot (escape mechanism), since I was 10 until I stopped completely in 19, before I got into therapy.

As I was 15-16 I was trying to figure out what is the purpose of life... what is the meaning right?? Why do I walk the earth, right?

Now I am 20 and I keep having these thoughts and deep feelings of no motivation.
I feel as if I have to stay alive only to not hurt anyone else by stopping to breathe. Then there are some pleasent feelings and happiness that last some time....... oh now I got a sudden feeling: I want to keep living to validate and appreciate those feelings of happiness that my T has given to me. It seems, I only want to vent here... I am alone for 3 weeks, without my T, I feel alone, because she is the only person that I can let inside my heart and head. I feel sad, because I am a monster... ugh

write it down, they say... self-therapy, they say... hehe

Hey, here's what I think.

First off, you are really young, and have a lot of life left to live, even though you may not feel like there is or care for it. And, you're right about one thing - it doesn't make sense to live just for someone else. So, you need to find a reason to live for yourself.

Sounds like you haven't found your life goals yet, your purpose. Well, my friend, there are quite a few people in their 40s and even 50s who haven't found their purpose yet, so I'd say you have the age advantage.

If I were you, I guess I would pack my bags and just go tour the world for a year or two or ten ! Go find out what you like, what you hate, what you can and cannot do, your strengths and weaknesses.

It seems like a huge task right now, and maybe it is, but the only way you will figure this one out is by getting out there and living a lot of life ! Give it 10 years ... when you're 30, I'm willing to bet you'll have a much better idea of who you are and what you want out of life.

FYI, I was also suicidal at 20 (I'm 31 now), and back then, I didn't know anything about the world. I'm glad I at least got to know the world a bit before deciding whether or not to continue. I hope you'll do the same.

It's up to you ultimately, but please don't take your own life blindfolded and without knowing what's out there.

[nevertheless002]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Hey, here's what I think.

First off, you are really young, and have a lot of life left to live, even though you may not feel like there is or care for it. And, you're right about one thing - it doesn't make sense to live just for someone else. So, you need to find a reason to live for yourself.

Sounds like you haven't found your life goals yet, your purpose. Well, my friend, there are quite a few people in their 40s and even 50s who haven't found their purpose yet, so I'd say you have the age advantage.

If I were you, I guess I would pack my bags and just go tour the world for a year or two or ten ! Go find out what you like, what you hate, what you can and cannot do, your strengths and weaknesses.

It seems like a huge task right now, and maybe it is, but the only way you will figure this one out is by getting out there and living a lot of life ! Give it 10 years ... when you're 30, I'm willing to bet you'll have a much better idea of who you are and what you want out of life.

FYI, I was also suicidal at 20 (I'm 31 now), and back then, I didn't know anything about the world. I'm glad I at least got to know the world a bit before deciding whether or not to continue. I hope you'll do the same.

It's up to you ultimately, but please don't take your own life blindfolded and without knowing what's out there.

Thank You, I appreciate Your opinion, interesting point. I assume You are right.
Luckily, I have found a person that stops me from even thinking about taking my own life.
I was just trying to look for someone that can help me tackle the issue of looking for motivation. Just as You did.

It is just troublesome with all those feelings mixed up within me. When I feel empty, torn to pieces at times and the world feels so fake, as an artificial piece of cold plastic, where You just dont want to do anything. (I am not proud of those thoughts, because I have a blessed life, shouganai)
I dont know how, I just got used to doing everything with the smallest effort possible. Ironically, when I was young I always gave 110 percent.
Now I just feel like I am walking the earth, bored, kick a stone here, kick a stone there.
Again, bored isnt something I am proud of since I ve got so much in my life.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi nevertheless

A few of us are struggling over the break with not having contact with our T.

They can be a great support mechanism.

I hope you are able to make contact with yours soon when she returns.

Take care.

Originally Posted by nevertheless002

Thank You, I appreciate Your opinion, interesting point. I assume You are right.
Luckily, I have found a person that stops me from even thinking about taking my own life.
I was just trying to look for someone that can help me tackle the issue of looking for motivation. Just as You did.

It is just troublesome with all those feelings mixed up within me. When I feel empty, torn to pieces at times and the world feels so fake, as an artificial piece of cold plastic, where You just dont want to do anything. (I am not proud of those thoughts, because I have a blessed life, shouganai)
I dont know how, I just got used to doing everything with the smallest effort possible. Ironically, when I was young I always gave 110 percent.
Now I just feel like I am walking the earth, bored, kick a stone here, kick a stone there.
Again, bored isnt something I am proud of since I ve got so much in my life.

You're welcome.

You're at a great age. I wish I could be 20 again !!! Man, I'd do so much differently

Really, the best way to obtain that motivation you mentioned, is to explore what the world has to offer - in terms of your career options, your hobbies, groups of people you want to belong to, etc. You're essentially building your life in these next few years. You're putting the pieces together, and setting up your future.

The 10 years from 20 to 30 are SO important and influential ... make the most of them ! Enjoy your youth