[Achy Turtle Armor]

I'm vacillating between absolute fury and tears. I'm at work and I thought I had a handle on the asinine changes but I do not. I'm throwing things, flicking off my boss behind his back, on and on. I don't want to fix the situation because it's not fixable. I just don't want to get fired. Please help this out of control borderline. What am I supposed to be doing to calm myself. I seriously can't remember and I'm not calling or texting my T. Thank you

[Achy Turtle Armor]

TRIGGER***SI***
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I did what I said I wouldn't do & now I'm confused & feel like hurting myself. What does his reply mean?

Me: I've been avoiding this as long as I can but I need to speak with you.

Me: I'm vacillating between absolute fury and tears. I'm at work and I thought I had a handle on the asinine changes but I do not. I'm throwing things, flicking off my boss behind his back, on and on. I don't want to fix the situation because it's not fixable. I just don't want to get fired.

Me: I'm already regretting bothering you. I'll see you next week. I'll figure it out.

T: Stop

What does that mean???

So sorry that you're in this tough situation. I think the best thing to do right now would be to find an outlet for your anger. Are you able to ask your boss for time off or to go outside for a few minutes ?

If you're able to go someplace where you can be alone, you could scream out loud - that helps some folks lose their anger. Or punch a punching bag or something like it ... something that belongs to you, not to the office. Or go for a run - run as fast as you possibly can, get those endorphins flowing.

You need to lose the anger. No other way I see. I had the same happen to me last week at work, and I felt like I was going to explode and ram my fist through my computer screen. I went to a vacant conference room and stared at my hands for about 10 minutes straight.

I wish you well.

[junkDNA]

i cant tell if his text means stop doing those things at work or stop texting him. either way im sorry its so hard right now

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Thanks for the hugs & comments. I've felt so alone today. My T just called and spoke to me for half an hour. He gave me three options. 1) Go to the hospital if I'm feeling suicidal.
2) Come see him every other week (all he can do) and he will come in an hour early to see me if his schedule is full. If he does that he wants to see proof that I am willing to help myself get better so I have to start going to na or aa for the pot.
3) Find another therapist that can see me more often.

I have until next Thursday to decide. Of course I've just spent $170 on an O, I have a friend that is giving me some soon for a late bday gift, & I was working on getting some from SF in the mail. I'll be able to stop the last two.

So of course I'm choosing option 2 but I think I am going to struggle with quitting. I just can't seem to deal with this depression on my own but if he is there to help me through it...

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

i cant tell if his text means stop doing those things at work or stop texting him. either way im sorry its so hard right now

By the way, the answer to the question is both. Stop sending him texts over and over and stop the behavior at work.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

So sorry that you're in this tough situation. I think the best thing to do right now would be to find an outlet for your anger. Are you able to ask your boss for time off or to go outside for a few minutes ?

If you're able to go someplace where you can be alone, you could scream out loud - that helps some folks lose their anger. Or punch a punching bag or something like it ... something that belongs to you, not to the office. Or go for a run - run as fast as you possibly can, get those endorphins flowing.

You need to lose the anger. No other way I see. I had the same happen to me last week at work, and I felt like I was going to explode and ram my fist through my computer screen. I went to a vacant conference room and stared at my hands for about 10 minutes straight.

I wish you well.

Those are all excellent suggestions. I was just out walking and crying when my T called.

[junkDNA]

i know its hard to give up smoking weed. i did it for many years. i basically got an ultimatum to stop doing too. and i did stop. and its been almost a year now since i smoked. let ur T guide u thru it and maybe try out NA or AA. trust me i know how hard it is to give it up. but i believe u can do it

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

i know its hard to give up smoking weed. i did it for many years. i basically got an ultimatum to stop doing too. and i did stop. and its been almost a year now since i smoked. let ur T guide u thru it and maybe try out NA or AA. trust me i know how hard it is to give it up. but i believe u can do it

I know I can do it too. I appreciate your kind words and sharing your experience. I stopped 6 years ago for 3 years until I started using it to deal with my mentally abusive husband. Now that he's gone I really don't need it anymore. It worked for me then. His crap that he dished out would just roll off of me when I was high and I was able to deal. I tried stopping a week or so ago but I didn't have the support I needed from my T nor a group.

I've done both AA & NA before. I'm going to try AA first for several reasons. 1) There's no drugs there. Sometimes there is at NA.
2) This AA chapter has accepted me before when I tried coming for help with self-injury.
3) I always feel stupid for being at NA for pot. I'm always reminded of the movie Half Baked where the guy goes to NA and someone says, "You're here for weed?! Did you suck c*** for weed?"

Anyway, thanks for your help, time, and attention today. I hope to help you sometime.