[LoLaLoLa]

Ok here's the things...

Lately when i come to work and open my mailbox, i sort of anticipating a "You are fired!" email from management because i don't do my job properly..

I start working with this company since 2012 (in my home country) and they send me to work in HQ in UK for about a year and i come back to my home country November last year... One think that this should boost confident level but it didn't..i feel more worried than before...

I feel like sooner or later they would realize that my skills are terrible and i am always afraid that i made a mistake during my job..even a simple task (like sending email to customer) makes me feel like it is a torture and i need someone to double check for me to make me feel better..
Nowadays, i take longer to complete the task given because i am so worry that i make a mistake..or it is not good enough and not up to standard..

Rationally i know that i am capable of doing my works, but i can't shake the feeling of being fake..

I dunno how to explain..i feel like a fake person when i am in front of others, i fake my personality (all smiling friendly person), i fake my confident level and so many other things.. I am so different when i am alone, a lonely avoidant person.. I can maintain my "office personality" by the thought that i will have my personal space when i come back home..well, nothing changes on that part..i still have my personal time.. but i just realize how much i don't like to spent time with people more than what i think necessary because i don't want them to see the real me..

last week i went to vacation with my friend, just the two of us so naturally we will spent most of the times together.. We went for 4 days and during the trip i can see myself being more distant.. I found him becoming more annoying and try to distance myself from him.. he doing nothing wrong honestly, except that spending time with me more than i can tolerate.. My mask will break and he can see that i am not very cheerful person..

i like people and i need them..i can't be alone..i feel extremely bored and empty when i am alone which is not a good things since it will lead to my " i hate people" campaign.. But i like them from far away, they doesn't have to be physically available..i am just fine with texting.. i don't mind not seeing people at all as long as i have someone to talk to through texting..

haha..there are so many unrelated things in single thread.. i try to understand myself, but the more i understand, the more it reveal that there is something wrong with me...

[puzzclar]

The main thing is you got your worries out of your head. And that's the most important thing. It may seem like you have to put a mask on but, what would happen if you didn't? I know that seems like a strange thought but, what would happen if you just became yourself on the outside as you feel on the inside. But I also know that it's a very hard thing to do, not an easy thing. I'm not even sure I can do it myself.
But that being said so something kind of like an experiment. To test it out for a little bit and by little I mean like 5 minutes at a time. You spoke a lot about two different types of personalities. Which can be difficult to manage but I wonder what's the reasoning behind it. Is there a reason maybe that's a better question to ask with a therapist but still question all the same one that I keep asking myself. Hope this helped.

[LoLaLoLa]

If i don't put my mask on.. i guess people will see my gloomy serious face...not to mentioned my negative thinking about how so many things annoy me.. During rough day it is very difficult to maintain my office face and people will ask asking what is wrong..it just a hassle to answer those question and i don't want to explain myself to anyone.. I work in IT which is a very good job since most of the time i don't have to deal with unnecessary people and sometimes i will pretend that give my 100% attention to my job so that i don't have to involve in coworker conversation.. (sometimes they will come for some leisure chit chat)... well, the happy me is ok, i can talk about anything with anyone..

lately my housemate decided to start cook her own meal which i have no objection of.. But the things that i don't like is she will prepare the meal for me as well.. Everyone that i talk to says how lucky i am..but i don't feel that way.. I feel like she's violated my personal space..control my life..and i don't like being control.. I know it sound absurbs..but i don't like the feeling like someone force me to do something that i don't want..and i can't say "No" because everyone else thought it was ok and acceptable while i am complaining..so it makes me sound like a very ungrateful person.. But what if i already have what i want to eat in my mind and suddenly she's ruin It with forcing me to eat something else.. but whenever i talk to others, try to justify my feeling..they don't agree with me...