I've come on here lamenting about people not liking me, about a continued pattern of feeling like I'm not fitting into social groups whether it be at work, at school, at my former church, etc etc. And largely...that hasn't changed.

Recently, I've started hanging out more with some people from work. One girl (an RN) in particular and I have really hit it off, and we've gone out about three times in the last 3 weeks. I think we do well together because she's very laid back and seems pretty real. I don't trust anyone I work with implicitly (I live by the rule "don't isht where you eat"), but she's cool. The only issue I have with her is that she's incredibly promiscuous. That in and of itself isn't the issue--like, hey, if you're taking precautions and aware of who you're with, then you do you. Rock on, rockstar. And it's not a competition thing because we don't really go for the same guy. Though when we talk about theoretical crushes (doctors, married, totally off-limits), I noticed that when I talked about mine (my favorite, really like him, would be all about him if he weren't married...totally NOT her type) she was quick to mention an instance when he awkwardly flirted with her. (Yeah...he's done that to me as well. But he's just a big, goofy, geeky, nice guy.) It's not even a jealousy thing, although I do sometimes wonder how she manages to attract multiple men in a short span of time when I've not so much as gone out with anyone in years...though I would never, ever tell her that. She's pretty active on Tinder, while I did it for less than 24 hours and was like, "No, eff this. This sucks." That right there illustrates the difference in how much I care about male attention vs. how much she does. I mean, I like it. But I like my life to be drama-free much better. And, for me, it's about quality, not quantity. We met up with two guys she had been talking to on Tinder and, afterwards, I observed that I knew I wasn't their type. Which isn't a negative thing...they weren't mine, either. She was like, what do you mean? Why would you say that. I didn't really have an answer, I just know when I have chemistry with people and when I don't. She told me I need to think better of myself. Huh...I feel like I actually think pretty highly of myself, lately. And I don't feel like that statement was my thinking badly of myself.

There are a few more examples of other groups, but to keep this post short, I'll just say that I have been hanging out with other people with whom, for whatever reason, it just isn't clicking. I feel like they don't get me, and for once in my life, I don't feel ashamed or like I have to change. I feel like, hey, this is me, I'm awesome and I think you should open your mind and try to accept me rather than reject me on some preconceived notion you have of me. Okay, part of me feels a little ashamed because we all want to be accepted. But, at the same time...I'm not changing.

I feel like I know what I want out of life. I have done my partying and, while I do enjoy going out and having fun, I'm not interested in the bar scene or trolling for men. Even if I were, odds are that I simply am not going to meet a soulmate on a drunken night out in a bar. I feel like the people around me think I am 1) Closed off and/or grumpy all the time (I do have chronic B--- face) 2) boring 3) too old to hang out with. Maybe I am a little boring, though I think I like cool things. And yeah...compared to a lot of the people I hang out with, I am old. I'm at least 5 years older than most of them. But I feel like, maybe for the first time in my life, I just know who I am and what I want. And what I absolutely don't want. And that may just make me a loner, I don't know.

As usual, this post is mainly just thinking aloud. But I wonder if, because I never seem to meet any kindred spirits, I am weird and subconsciously pushing people away...or if I am actually healthy (for once), and just a unique person?

[falsememory7]

WOW keena! I read your entire post, and I enjoyed every word. It proves what I think of you, just by reading your "thinking aloud" post - you truly are unique. I've had very similar difficulties - never quite clicking with anybody. I'm definitely a lone wolf, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes, it does get a little saddening and/or depressing, but overall it's me. And I'm tired of trying to change myself just to fit others' perceptions of me. Either way - I might not know you, but I get where you're coming from, and I think that you are dealing with these situations in a very healthy way just by being yourself.

Originally Posted by falsememory7

WOW keena! I read your entire post, and I enjoyed every word. It proves what I think of you, just by reading your "thinking aloud" post - you truly are unique. I've had very similar difficulties - never quite clicking with anybody. I'm definitely a lone wolf, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes, it does get a little saddening and/or depressing, but overall it's me. And I'm tired of trying to change myself just to fit others' perceptions of me. Either way - I might not know you, but I get where you're coming from, and I think that you are dealing with these situations in a very healthy way just by being yourself.

Hey, thanks for reading and replying. I didn't really expect that many people would read the whole thing or decide to reply.

Idk, I feel like I'm trying to reconcile things in my mind, to finally be okay with who I am even though it's not exactly who I thought I'd be, saw myself as being, or even sometimes want to be. I think it feels worse to try and be something I'm not, to try and fit with people I just don't mesh with. Sometimes that's a lot of people.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually have AvPD...but that is a different post for a different day (and maybe a different part of the forum).

[falsememory7]

No problem! Your post was really interesting to read, so I felt compelled to reply Hm. I can see how AvPD fits in - but regardless, I think that it's really good that you're being yourself. If the only way you "fit" in with others is to be someone you're not, then I agree. It's not worth it It's also really good that you realize this, and continue making these decisions that SUIT you! That's a really strong decision that I still struggle with sometimes.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Idk, I feel like I'm trying to reconcile things in my mind, to finally be okay with who I am even though it's not exactly who I thought I'd be, saw myself as being, or even sometimes want to be. I think it feels worse to try and be something I'm not, to try and fit with people I just don't mesh with. Sometimes that's a lot of people.

You just reached a milestone in your emotional development. Well done.

Accepting myself has made life a lot easier. I think you will find that too. It will take time so be patient. It really does get better. Imagine the freedom!

[Crazy Hitch]

I think out loud sometimes too.

It helps to write it down too.

I think I am a lone wolf daily.

I don't like it.

Originally Posted by Hooligan

I think out loud sometimes too.

It helps to write it down too.

I think I am a lone wolf daily.

I don't like it.

Write it down: I do have a journal, I just do so much schoolwork that, by the time I'm done, I'm tired of writing. I used to blog pretty regularly, and had a pretty fair-sized regular following. This was back in 2004-6, and I was far more eloquent than I am on here (I was actually trying harder to articulate and be "artsy" about it). I quit because a) I became more depressed and posts got darker and b) In 2006 I started a new job with, unknown to me at the time, a legit sociopath who made my life hell for the next 7 years. He found my blog and that was kind of the end of it.

I am alone a lot, but I don't feel lonely. Not at the moment. It helps to enjoy your own company. Finding ways to do that is important.

[Kimaya]

Crap. I totally own this. I keep asking myself what is it I do that makes me get treated so differently. Alone is easier but a lot less interesting... All I can say is high functioning BPD puts out vibes that warn people off. We must not be aware of it... And yeah it sucks. Even as a quiet and pretty fresh young adult I was always alone and unlucky at attracting anyone. And the boyfriends I did have drifted away easily...

My one consolation is knowing I'm not alone in this...

Stick with the annoying friend. All friends are annoying. BPD is so conflicted.... We don't want to be alone but we are so afraid of having to change for anyone else... Our needs are too important to us.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Write it down: I do have a journal, I just do so much schoolwork that, by the time I'm done, I'm tired of writing. I used to blog pretty regularly, and had a pretty fair-sized regular following. This was back in 2004-6, and I was far more eloquent than I am on here (I was actually trying harder to articulate and be "artsy" about it). I quit because a) I became more depressed and posts got darker and b) In 2006 I started a new job with, unknown to me at the time, a legit sociopath who made my life hell for the next 7 years. He found my blog and that was kind of the end of it.

I am alone a lot, but I don't feel lonely. Not at the moment. It helps to enjoy your own company. Finding ways to do that is important.

Journals are great - I totally agree.

I know what you mean where you say you are alone a lot, but you don't feel lonely.

Well sometimes this is true for me.

And there's other times where I feel "empty."

I just think I'm complicated. Even for myself. I confuse myself too.

Everyone is complicated. Everyone feels confused at times, even people with solid mental health.

[Crazy Hitch]

Totally agree with you misskeena.

Life events can be complicated at the best of times and could throw anyone.

[Kimaya]

I am lonely when surrounded by others, I am the alien infiltrating...

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Kimaya

I am lonely when surrounded by others, I am the alien infiltrating...

Sorry to hear this

I can relate though

Just remember we're all here for you.

We understand.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I've come on here lamenting about people not liking me, about a continued pattern of feeling like I'm not fitting into social groups whether it be at work, at school, at my former church, etc etc. And largely...that hasn't changed.

Recently, I've started hanging out more with some people from work. One girl (an RN) in particular and I have really hit it off, and we've gone out about three times in the last 3 weeks. I think we do well together because she's very laid back and seems pretty real. I don't trust anyone I work with implicitly (I live by the rule "don't isht where you eat"), but she's cool. The only issue I have with her is that she's incredibly promiscuous. That in and of itself isn't the issue--like, hey, if you're taking precautions and aware of who you're with, then you do you. Rock on, rockstar. And it's not a competition thing because we don't really go for the same guy. Though when we talk about theoretical crushes (doctors, married, totally off-limits), I noticed that when I talked about mine (my favorite, really like him, would be all about him if he weren't married...totally NOT her type) she was quick to mention an instance when he awkwardly flirted with her. (Yeah...he's done that to me as well. But he's just a big, goofy, geeky, nice guy.) It's not even a jealousy thing, although I do sometimes wonder how she manages to attract multiple men in a short span of time when I've not so much as gone out with anyone in years...though I would never, ever tell her that. She's pretty active on Tinder, while I did it for less than 24 hours and was like, "No, eff this. This sucks." That right there illustrates the difference in how much I care about male attention vs. how much she does. I mean, I like it. But I like my life to be drama-free much better. And, for me, it's about quality, not quantity. We met up with two guys she had been talking to on Tinder and, afterwards, I observed that I knew I wasn't their type. Which isn't a negative thing...they weren't mine, either. She was like, what do you mean? Why would you say that. I didn't really have an answer, I just know when I have chemistry with people and when I don't. She told me I need to think better of myself. Huh...I feel like I actually think pretty highly of myself, lately. And I don't feel like that statement was my thinking badly of myself.

There are a few more examples of other groups, but to keep this post short, I'll just say that I have been hanging out with other people with whom, for whatever reason, it just isn't clicking. I feel like they don't get me, and for once in my life, I don't feel ashamed or like I have to change. I feel like, hey, this is me, I'm awesome and I think you should open your mind and try to accept me rather than reject me on some preconceived notion you have of me. Okay, part of me feels a little ashamed because we all want to be accepted. But, at the same time...I'm not changing.

I feel like I know what I want out of life. I have done my partying and, while I do enjoy going out and having fun, I'm not interested in the bar scene or trolling for men. Even if I were, odds are that I simply am not going to meet a soulmate on a drunken night out in a bar. I feel like the people around me think I am 1) Closed off and/or grumpy all the time (I do have chronic B--- face) 2) boring 3) too old to hang out with. Maybe I am a little boring, though I think I like cool things. And yeah...compared to a lot of the people I hang out with, I am old. I'm at least 5 years older than most of them. But I feel like, maybe for the first time in my life, I just know who I am and what I want. And what I absolutely don't want. And that may just make me a loner, I don't know.

As usual, this post is mainly just thinking aloud. But I wonder if, because I never seem to meet any kindred spirits, I am weird and subconsciously pushing people away...or if I am actually healthy (for once), and just a unique person?

As usual your post is very well articulated and you seem to have your head about you. You seem to be on the right track for a healthy mind and self.

that's not the reason I'm replying though, it's only in response to your question as to why your friend seems to garner more male attention than you and the answer is actually right before you as you wrote more..

First, just an assumption but she sounds like she's somewhat outgoing in public. That right there helps in gaining attention in general and therefore from men. I know that you're not a shut in but I get the impression that you're typically more reserved and men I think, see the less reserved women more easily even if they aren't necessarily attracted more to them. The other thing is and possibly the most important though seemingly intangible one. You pointed out that male attention just isn't all that important to you and clearly with her being on tinder and what you've said otherwise about her, it is more important to her.

Of course this seems like something that would be internal but it comes out in every aspect of her personality in that if she finds male attention something important, her actions, her attitudes, her behaviors will all reflect that and again even though it may seem like an intangible thing, males can sense that (or females in the opposite type situation) You don't need the attention so your actions reflect that too!

hope this helps even though I know you weren't asking for help in this area!

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

As usual your post is very well articulated and you seem to have your head about you. You seem to be on the right track for a healthy mind and self.

that's not the reason I'm replying though, it's only in response to your question as to why your friend seems to garner more male attention than you and the answer is actually right before you as you wrote more..

First, just an assumption but she sounds like she's somewhat outgoing in public. That right there helps in gaining attention in general and therefore from men. I know that you're not a shut in but I get the impression that you're typically more reserved and men I think, see the less reserved women more easily even if they aren't necessarily attracted more to them. The other thing is and possibly the most important though seemingly intangible one. You pointed out that male attention just isn't all that important to you and clearly with her being on tinder and what you've said otherwise about her, it is more important to her.

Of course this seems like something that would be internal but it comes out in every aspect of her personality in that if she finds male attention something important, her actions, her attitudes, her behaviors will all reflect that and again even though it may seem like an intangible thing, males can sense that (or females in the opposite type situation) You don't need the attention so your actions reflect that too!

hope this helps even though I know you weren't asking for help in this area!

I'm actually not really that reserved, haha. I mean, I guess it depends on what one means by "reserved;" I'm usually the more outgoing one in any group of friends. But everything else is the truth. Anyone I'm truly interested in is unavailable--I have someone I have great chemistry with, but he's married and of course I don't mess with that. I don't even toe the line. We're friends, we get along really well in the context in which we have to, but we don't see each other otherwise. Even on Facebook, we don't comment on each other's stuff. It's too bad, because if I had a partner I'm sure we'd all have fun hanging out, but since I'm single, it's really a no-go.

Anyway, rambling.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I'm actually not really that reserved, haha. I mean, I guess it depends on what one means by "reserved;" I'm usually the more outgoing one in any group of friends. But everything else is the truth. Anyone I'm truly interested in is unavailable--I have someone I have great chemistry with, but he's married and of course I don't mess with that. I don't even toe the line. We're friends, we get along really well in the context in which we have to, but we don't see each other otherwise. Even on Facebook, we don't comment on each other's stuff. It's too bad, because if I had a partner I'm sure we'd all have fun hanging out, but since I'm single, it's really a no-go.

Anyway, rambling.

Ramble away, It's all good well all I know is from what you've said in posts and in pm.. so I stand corrected on the reserved part