[jcl76]

I am having a very hard time coming to grips that my EXGF and I cannot make a relationship work. We have a VERY strong connection, and have admitted that we both feel comfortable more than anyone else in the past. We know that there are feelings there and we love each other but we have been off an on for a year. We couldnt stay and always came back. All in all we were best friends and wanted to spend every minute together.

Background- She was married and it was bad, with a little abuse and addict. She is still bitter at her ex after 8 years and he still tries to cause trouble with the kids. Well when she pulls apart is when things get good, and too close for comfort. This last time she said she is not healthy for a realtionship and we should be friends. We are fairly intimate just prior but she would say no to sex, as she stated she needs to be careful and doesnt want to get hurt.

I know and she admitted that THIS is about FEAR. Fear drives our decisions. Well I finally said that being friends (after 3 weeks) while we have feelings (or at least me) cant be. As friends, it was just as great with no intimacy of course, but still flirting some.

Now after I said this. She said that the reason we cant be together is that her feelings has changed and she does love me but not in any physical way. Before she said it was bad timing.

The question that I go over and over with is, if a strong connection and love isnt enough, then what is? There was so much there yet so much was in the way

ANYWAY-- that may sound like a rambling but I need to vent and hear others opinions.

[mazing]

Relationships are always complicated and you are right - unfortunately sometimes a strong connection just isn't enough. It sounds like you both really care for each other but also both have your own insecurities and challenges to work on. From this post it sounds like she is struggling to commit to a relationship because of her previous bad experiences - and I can definitely understand that if she has been hurt in the past. However it also sounds like she hasn't been able to work through and overcome the fears and insecurities that her previous relationship left.

I think the only thing I can say in advice is that while a connection is a large part both people in the relationship also need to be in a place where they are able to commit and trust the other person. For that both need to look at their own supports and seek out help in managing what is stopping them moving forward. It sounds like she needs to look at support to work through her previous marriage and the scars it has left her with before she will be able to completely move on into a new relationship.

[shezbut]

It's awfully difficult... but I will give you my interpretation of the situation.

This last time she said she is not healthy for a realtionship and we should be friends. We are fairly intimate just prior but she would say no to sex, as she stated she needs to be careful and doesnt want to get hurt.

I take it that she is trying to be strong. Perhaps she realizes that she isn't healthy enough to be able to build & maintain a good romantic relationship right now.

As friends, it was just as great with no intimacy of course, but still flirting some.

While you may be willing to be just friends with her, it's quite possible that she doesn't have the willpower to constantly hold up her walls with you. Your ex ought to feel safe that you won't always be pushing her limits, especially during her particularly weak moments in life. That's a lot of pressure. Especially when a person doesn't feel self-assurred enough in their decision-making ability.

I recommend allowing your friend (ex-gf) the space that she needs to feel stronger and healthier if there ever is the right time that comes along between you. I'm sure that you wouldn't want any resentment to grow between the two of you...right? Giving your ex the time and space may be the magic answer. Best wishes sent you both!

[jcl76]

Thank you all.

I am trying to loose hope in finding someone, but if things didnt work out with us then who? She said she accepted me even though I had BPD. About 4 months ago she was fairly harsh and I did have some choice words very angry, but got back together 6 weeks ago and she said she is still bothered by that and she doesnt know if that will ever happen again.

I am really having a hard time knowing that my BPD has cost me so much my whole life. I am 39 and just almost convincing myself getting involved is not worth the hurt and setbacks any more