I appreciate some unexpected realisation in life

Hey, Crosstobear, thanks for your inputs on that check-in thread.

Maybe right now, my mind is trying to control me into thinking about the past, making me live in the past again.

Whatever it is, I feel I should say it out.

I'm a really affectionate person and life-oriented, which is my weakness that cause me my downfall. It takes few days/weeks/months for a normal person move on from a sad situation. As for me, it became an obsessed crush, and it was fluctuating between a glimpse of hope and no hope for 2 years (maybe counting, if you consider my mind trying to dominate me with these falsified images).
My indecisiveness and lack of knowledge to cope with these "emotion" roller coaster, had cause me to veer off from my original intent of getting a good grade from trying my best.

As ridiculous as it may seem, 2 years of resisting someone who rejected me and never spoken to me again, I felt my mind is still being manipulated to commit the same mistakes again. She's has a good nature and is really alluring. Yet, I know it's just what looks like a cinnamon roll but is laced with poison that could be lethal enough to burn my whole body from the inside. As I witness what my mind thought recently, I've noticed it keeps looping over and over on the same thing like an old recorder.

That moment was when it was as though I was my own witness to my mind. It just loops over and over the same thing about the rejection phase that haunted me, I literally shook my head in sigh.

With 6 more months of studies before my official graduation with a diploma, it became clear the same feeling of detachment will seep into me and think about how I missed a chance with " a potential life-partner ". This is the main reason why it is difficult for me to comprehend "People Come and Go" phrase. At this moment, I don't know if I am my real self as what the author of "The Power of Now" described the process of being the quiet witness of your mind.

Afterall, my mind conditions me to be an overthinker, and I acknowledge this is one of the core issue of mine. I am still harping on whether she could be my partner one day, however what is the use of focusing my energy on it? I wasted 2 good years brooding over that rejection phase that I could not optimize my academic performance in school.

I've made mistakes, cringe-worthy mistakes. Now I'm saying here, my mind is fogging me with negativity, I said to myself " I should stop writing now, I need a rest. " Reminds me of reading that book, I told myself to took a little nap on the bus as my eyes gets tired. When I felt awake after that brief nap, I would open my book and start reading again. It's not a book I could read straight, it had me re-reading certain paragraphs, but mostly what I had felt, was peace.

Thank you lilodian4ever, and crosstobear, as well as a number of members of the similar experience who have been there, whether it be minor or magnificent. I'm not leaving this forum, but I feel a little lighter than usual.

Oh hey! I wish this forum had a "tag" feature like Facebook did. Otherwise I wouldn't have known you made this post to thank everyone. Let me read and respond.

Okay, here are my thoughts. First, I'd like to extend some empathy because when I was younger I had much of the same feelings. I still consider myself an overthinker, and remember people who have come and gone from my life ages ago, and still "feel" emotions associated with them when I think of them. Gone are the facts that they've probably matured and grown as people, too. What remains is how I felt back then.

I don't know too much about Singaporean culture and how your people look at relationships and interaction between the sexes, but I will tell you this. Borderline disorder and traits associated with it put you into what I call the "scarcity mindset" when it comes to relationships. You latch on to someone who gives you attention or slight affection and believe that you'll never meet a better person or have another chance at love or a life partner again. Do away with that. There are 6 billion people in the world and for someone to love you they have to witness you and grasp you on a very, very deep level. Not give you crumbs of affection or attention. I mean, they have to face the monster inside you and wipe its tears. They have to know you with all your demons and still believe you are worth it. That's what I can tell you about it based on what I've seen people close to me who are married are like. And just so you don't think I'm singling you out, everyone has a monster inside them.

It was very difficult for me to understand the temporariness of people's presence in life. People do come and go and all you are left with is their memory and how they make you feel. If anything, Buddhism, Islam, and a couple other faiths teach you to detach from the material world for this very reason. These faiths knew how temporary and fleeting human life is, and how painful the world is for all of us. You will get to a point where letting go comes easier, I guarantee it. Borderline disorder gets better with age and maturation. What helped me was a mix of tough love, growing up, therapy, and putting myself in the position to make it my life's work to help people in the same boat. I work in the mental health field and this giving to the field helps me take focus off of my own worries and let me tell you something, any kind of helping profession whether it is nursing, mental health, social services, anything- that shows you other people's suffering and makes you responsible to them, will make you grow up quick. You'll look back at what made you sad back then and smirk.

It'll get better. And feel free to vent.

Hey ! I'm so glad that some of my gospel helped you

And, I'm really glad that you're actually reading The Power of Now and applying its teachings. That's GREAT !!! That book will take you to a better place in life, I know it !

The fact that you're able to observe your mind and notice that it is overthinking, shows that you're moving towards being present and "conscious", as the book puts it.

A few minutes ago, my father was lecturing me on how I and my Brother are stupid and show disinterest in learning the motives behind some chinese cultures that are practice traditionally. Initially, I started to feel the anger and irritability of being labelled "stupid" as I felt my father was quite being arrogant and full of himself.

I started to step back and look at what my mind is trying to react towards the situation. My mind was in the state of anger and trying to prove itself. Then, I feel I was detached from it and no longer thinking in the same frequency. It was just me listening to my father without any tainted intentions, my mind was just there foolishly trying to fight for itself. It was as though I was I belong in another layer that nobody could see me. It got me through this intense lecture on cultures and stuff while I listened passively without and obstructed thoughts.

I'm practicing this habit slowly whenever I can notice some shift in my mood and thoughts. It will take time, and it was as though it is backing up the religious studies that I've been learning for the past few years.

It's the biggest conflict against me that I have yet to overcome it. When it comes to Love, i find it unusually difficult to step out of it than the example that I have written at the first paragraph of my reply. It was relatively easy to interpret the meaning behind your views, but I am not at that stage yet unfortunately.

It would be better to describe my feels this way. It's like everybody goes through a rebellious stage during teenage years, even my parents and my grandparents have gone through that. They have to, and they had already gone through that stage. Right now, I am in that stage.

This is great ! Not what your father did, but how you responded ! It's amazing that you're having such good luck distancing yourself from your mind !

Keep it up ! I need to do the same !