[JessLynn]

I was just diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder two days ago thanks to a trip to the emergency room. I had a sudden panic attack triggered by my psychiatrist calling to say I had missed an appointment that afternoon that I didn't know about. All of a sudden my mind was spiralling out of control because I have been dealing with more and more toxic suicidal thoughts lately and it's been getting so hard to handle, and now it's the holidays and group therapy is over for 2 weeks, and I would never be able to cope that long. In the end I was self harming in my room, feeling less and less like myself, and more frantic by the minute, until I knew something bad was going to happen unless I drove myself to the emergency room.

I got there and sat in observation for 6 hours before being admitted to the psych ward for overnight watch, and being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. They switched up my meds and I decided I was ready to go home the next day because I was no longer in crisis.

One of the patients I had become inpatient buddies with immediately (I mean I was only there for 24 hours to begin with) started making me doubt myself and what would happen when I got out in the real world again and had self destruction at my fingertips again.

So... the night I got home was extremely rough. I knocked myself out with meds because I couldn't handle feeling it. And today is slightly better but I can't stop hearing that guy's voice in my head, reminding me how easy it would be to go through with my destructive behaviours because I'm not being watched.

I am doubting very much that I have a happy life ahead of me. It's hard to make it through one day at a time. I'm scared :/ And confused. And frustrated. And I hate myself. But I don't want to.

[Skeezyks]

Hello JessLynn: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I am heartened to read that, although you feel like you hate yourself, you don't want to. That's a start!

It's really unfortunate that you encountered that other patient. The last thing you needed was someone telling you about how easy it would be for you to harm yourself when you got home! And having this occur right at the holidays makes it doubly difficult because so many things, like your therapy group, are on hold.

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. But I hope that you can find the strength to keep going until you can get back in to see your mental health providers. You can, of course, always go back to the emergency room if necessary. But also perhaps consider calling a hotline for support. And keep posting, here on PC. It can help too. My best wishes to you. Please be safe...

[JessLynn]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello JessLynn: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I am heartened to read that, although you feel like you hate yourself, you don't want to. That's a start!

It's really unfortunate that you encountered that other patient. The last thing you needed was someone telling you about how easy it would be for you to harm yourself when you got home! And having this occur right at the holidays makes it doubly difficult because so many things, like your therapy group, are on hold.

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. But I hope that you can find the strength to keep going until you can get back in to see your mental health providers. You can, of course, always go back to the emergency room if necessary. But also perhaps consider calling a hotline for support. And keep posting, here on PC. It can help too. My best wishes to you. Please be safe...

Thank you for your kind thoughts <3 It is really difficult right now but I'm trying to remind myself that I can handle it. I find it so difficult to comprehend how many people suffer with this and feel like this on a day to day basis and still get through it. I'll definitely call a hotline first next time. I think it was dangerous of me to drive myself to the ER this pas time in the first place, made a few close calls on the way. Ironically.

This forum really helps though <3 PC is great for support. People like you are wonderful!

[ilikeyellow]

I have been in a mental ward twice this year since September. I learnt that a lot the patients that spout the whole how are you going to cope on the outside are projecting their fears.
But it sounds like you've processed this well and have formulated a health game plan for a crises.
Happy Holidays.

[Seraphine]

My goodness some people are horrid, aren't they *hugs * I had similar "advice" when wanting help getting to see a psychologist. That I should make am attempt in order to be hospitalised. Considering I have kids this is especially terrible! Needless to say I have nothing to do with him since then. There are amazing resources on YouTube, and here on PC, even I have had a really good improvement in symptoms in the last month, so it's definitely not hopeless!

[shezbut]

(((JessLynn)))

I recommend going moment-by-moment in life, rather than day by day. Rather than focusing on the future, think about *now*. Right now. You're reading this post, curious of what I am trying to get across to you, and maybe a little hopeful that it will be positive. I hope that you are also feeling reassured a bit as well.

In my personal experience, I get all mixed up when I worry about next week (or whatever). That's because part of me is still struggling with my past, and another part is trying to deal with my responsibilities now. There's only so much of me to go around, you know? I just get stressed beyond my limits if I worry about all 3.

So, focus on now. Take some slow, very deep breaths. Close your eyes and think of a very relaxing image in your mind. Take in as much of that image as you can. How does the air feel and smell? How does it sound? Thoughts may come in and interrupt ~ that's okay & normal ~ just let them go...and go back to the image in your mind again. Do this for 5-10 minutes. When you come back to reality, you should feel more calm and your stress-level has been relieved a bit.

Frequently taking yourself to that place, when you get stressed or depressed can be a huge relief! I cannot count the number of times that I've done it, as it works so well for me. That's one of the skills that I learned in my DBT classes. Probably the most helpful skill for me, as a matter of fact.

DBT Self Help

You may want to check out the link above. Very best wishes and gentle hugs to you. I'm thinking of you. Please do take care.