[PandorasAquarium]

Is complete ostracism or social rejection a way of helping someone you claim to care about who suffers with BPD?

I ask because my in-laws are convinced that I have Borderline PD, although I and my therapist do not agree. I do occasionally exhibit symptoms of it, but typically not extreme. I won't ramble on justifying that, just suffice it to say the only people who see me as BPD are my in-laws (and they are all diagnosed with personality disorders of their own, ironically).

So they have decided to turn their backs on me completely, saying "it's for my own good" or something. They keep telling my DH to "protect himself from me, because I'm so manipulative and deceitful." The bad part is that if I did become manipulative it was because it was the only way to survive their games. When I was admittedly deceitful, it was because they behave exactly the ways they projected on me. And I am probably too honest and open with my husband, really. Poor guy.

Anyway, this new "we're not talking to you because you're BPD and this will help you" thing just doesn't make sense to me. I think they're doing it because I stand up to them, call them out on their bs, and now draw healthy boundaries around myself and my husband (although I didn't always stand up for myself, and when I finally did, the attacks began.)

Anyway, is there any therapy that would say to abandon a bpd person you care about? Or is this just an excuse to get away from a person who sees right thru their facades?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Ive had this happen. They were friends who I was really close to until I opened up about my struggles. I should've never told them or bothered them. The last thing he basically said to me was that they couldn't encourage me. They haven't talked to me since. It hurts

[marmaduke]

No therapy I know of. Your in laws are just nasty. Maybe narcissists?

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

There are therapists that recommend no contact with BPD.

[PandorasAquarium]

Hmm. Thanks. Marmaduke, I think you're onto something with the Narcissism, though HIPAA rightfully prevents my knowing. Honestly, I'm okay with going No Contact with them, probably more than they are with me. I just couldn't help but wonder about their justification. Thanks Halliebeth and Valentina for your insights. I figure the nastiness is much less when we're not exposed to one another, regardless of who has what diagnosis. It just seemed odd to me that one would be advised to avoid a non-abusive, non-dangerous person with a mental illness. It seems to me that like any other illness, support them of you can. Maybe some just aren't strong enough. I am inclined to believe that is precisely their issue. If they are around me, I won't play their games. So they simply won't be around me. This made an "acceptable" excuse for their current smear campaign.

[kamikazebaby]

The stigma on BPD is that those of us with BPD ARE dangerous and abusive people (some of them don't even seem to think we're human) by default, and a lot of ignorant therapists and other people perpetuate this notion. They are of the opinion that one can only cut ties and run from someone with BPD.

[Seraphine]

Kamikaze is on the money there, and in reality it's actually very painful to borderlines who aren't malignant, due to the fear of abandonment. I have friends who have stone walled me this way, and it's a constant issue, questioning whether or not I should just shut them out and be done with it, whether they even really are my friends at all.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

Kamikaze is on the money there, and in reality it's actually very painful to borderlines who aren't malignant, due to the fear of abandonment. I have friends who have stone walled me this way, and it's a constant issue, questioning whether or not I should just shut them out and be done with it, whether they even really are my friends at all.

It is extremely painful to experience from loved ones. I've had friends walk away from me because their therapists told them borderlines were bad and that they needed to escape. So they did. I've also had those close to me use it against me and treat me less as an individual and more as a disorder. It is sad when the person you loved and trusted most in the world uses their knowledge of your issues to invalidate your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions on a regular basis. This is what makes me afraid to trust anyone with the knowledge ever again. Everything changes once they know. I can no longer believe that there is any true acceptance or safety.

[misfit77]

I can't see this as a good "therapy" for someone with BPD...in fact I think it's the opposite of what someone with BPD needs since most individuals with BPD struggle with abandonment issues. It's kind of like that old school way of thinking about fears-well let's see you are afraid to swim in the ocean...I know what will cure you of that-I will push you off a boat and just expose you to it. Uh..no that isn't the way.

I can see loved ones of someone with BPD setting up boundaries to protect themselves from the drama and "neediness" of someone with BPD. Again, we are talking about some people with BPD...not all. Some can be draining and I think finally get to the point where they may even tell themselves that "it's for your own good" when really it's for their own good (which is okay if they need to distance themselves, they should just be honest about it).

If both you and your therapist do not believe you have BPD-I think that is more to go on then what your in-laws say. The thing with BPD is that it's very complex and has 9 different criteria for which you only 5 to be diagnosed. With that combination of 9 criteria BPD can present in so many ways. My psychiatrist said I probably went un-diagnosed for years because I am not a drama queen and I am nice and respectful-I tend to never have huge fights or outbursts with other people and I am not manipulative. But a lot of the other criteria are there. I think BPD is one of the worst stigmatized and poorly understood mental illnesses. Though I have come across people that I am sure have it-I would never say "you have BPD" to them. If they were suffering I might suggest they talk to a psychiatrist about the possibility of it, but since I did not go to med school, and specialize in psychiatry don't think I am the proper one to diagnose them-nor are your in-laws.

Maybe this is a good thing-if they are not the greatest people to be around, maybe take it as a blessing.
Misfit

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by PandorasAquarium

Anyway, is there any therapy that would say to abandon a bpd person you care about? Or is this just an excuse to get away from a person who sees right thru their facades?

I would tell someone that removing themselves from a situation with a loved one where he or she refused to get help might be the healthiest thing, and to set and maintain strong boundaries. I'd caution anyone who thought that the person had BPD that "abandonment" would likely trigger a lot more of what they didn't want happening though. It doesn't sound like they care about you very much though!

[Chyialee]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

Kamikaze is on the money there

Agreed Also agree with DBTDiva above.

Some of us have had the experience of needing to reinforce very stiff boundaries with close friends or family who have BPD. My T served me quite the lecture on that topic, and more than once! (My closest BPD-person at that time, had a habit of pretty much steamrollering me, sigh And bc i was kinda clueless, I not only allowed it but generally didn't see it coming..D'Oh!. However (and imo this is a telling distinction) never, never, did anyone recommend completely turning my back on this friend & shutting her out totally!
Just cannot imagine how your in-laws can think that their shunning you is supposed to cause something good to happen? Or what that "helping you" benefit is gonna look likewhen it shows up ???

Honestly, it sounds like a manipulation. But then I don't know them, soooo....?

Best to you, and chin up! Sympathies to both you & your dh

xo Chyia