[dahlianoire29]

I've written similar posts before because I'm STILL dealing with the same situation and that is being with someone who has a mental illness. Obviously, I'm posting here because I have borderline personality disorder, but I think I'm also with someone who probably has the same thing as me or is bipolar. Let me tell you first, I'm not a doctor and I know I'm not supposed to diagnose my partner myself but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know when someone isn't acting "normal" for lack of a better term. I've been dealing for months now with someone who is obviously sick and has been telling me for the past year that he's going to get help but makes CONSTANT excuses not to. Now the excuse is, he's waiting for us to move so he can get a doctor in that state . I'll give him one thing, after months of lots of patience from my part, he has gotten better, but again, I'm not a doctor, I can only do so much. I feel liek it isn't fair to me because I constantly have to walk on egg shells with him, and my therapist believes it's not good or healthy for me to hold things in. I've personally gotten better after years of therapy and can now discuss things in a very mature, calm manner, but just now I tried to express how he did something that bothered me (again, in a calm way) and he went full blown defensive on me and basically had me explain things to him like he's a child, which raised my anxiety up the roof. Have you guys had trouble dealing with your partners? Are they making you worse? How do I deal with someone I love but has the emotional stability of a child? HELP!!! I can't make myself his therapist anymore!. It's not good for my own mental health.

[zijax]

I'd threaten to leave him if he doesn't gt help for himself. Then I'd allow him to manipulate me and I'd feel sorry for him and we'd be back together. I know what the right thing is to say here but I can't blab a bunch of stuff that sounds good when I can't do it myself. That must be entirely frustrating for you. Prayer helps me.

[kamikazebaby]

I don't know what to tell you. I was in a very similar situation, and even though I really tried, it didn't end well. If you can't even talk to your partner about your feelings, thoughts, and concerns without him blowing up...well, that's a fundamental part of maintaining a relationship.

I had a previous partner who most likely had bipolar with some BPD traits (therapists had input on this as well), but she believed she could manage it with vitamins. She didn't want to do any focused therapy on those issues, get an assessment, try any medication, or work with me. From her perspective, everything wrong with our relationship was all my problem and I just had to try harder (which was pretty ironic when I was the one going to regular therapy sessions and reading all the self-help books). Being with her was extremely stressful and definitely exacerbated my issues. If someone refuses to see their part in the problems and take action on that, then you're pretty much done, even if the curtains haven't come down quite yet.

I hope this works out for you somehow. But in my experience, people rarely change in such things. If he has been so determined not to work on this, it will likely continue in that fashion.

[cryingontheinside]

I've given up on relationships .

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[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

I've given up on relationships .

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Makes two of us. I don't even go out and socialize anymore.

I've given up on relationships too. I don't know quite when it happened. I got divorced when i was 30. I'm now almost 50. I remember all thru my 30s i vigorously pursued finding a partner, going to singles events and asking guy out, even. It never worked out and some where along the line i got comfortable with being single. Romance is just not part of my life any more.

[dahlianoire29]

Thank you so much for the input guys.... I think I quit as well. I had to give another ultimatum lately and hopefully he listens. It's so sad when ur a good person in the inside but anger turns u into something else...

[Pastel Kitten]

I know this is an old post but I just wanted to say that I completely understand your situation. I was dating someone with severe chronic depression for 4 years. I had initially believed he got better, only to find out he was hiding frequent suicidal thoughts from me amongst other things that caused him to function poorly and withdraw from me. I suggested/still suggest he goes to therapy or at least gets on meds of some sort but like you said about your boyfriend, he just won't do it! He makes up excuses or just plain doesn't follow through. Our mental illnesses certainly weighed each other down. My therapist agreed. It's hard to let go of someone who you have formed such a strong bond with, especially people like us who often have a hard time finding such a close bond with anyone.

[Fuzzybear]

[Lonlin3zz]

relationship is a 2-way street, he should be treated like an adult as well.

His illness should not give an excuse to justify who he is, regardless, when it is time to let go of him, just let go.

[leomama]

I think you have the right point of view: that you are not his doctor, that you can't diagnose him or commit him to therapy. If you want to stay with him I think you have to accept a certain amount of lack. I don't know if you've done any reading about being the partner of a pwBPD but basically you need to be the emotional leader in the relationship. I have also read that you have to accept your partner's limitations and can't expect them to act like a "normal" person. A relationship with a upwBPD (undiagnosed pwBPD) is going to be hard and limited and it will be up to you to set the pace. I've read its really important to have outside interests and stay busy. Its kind of the same advice that is given to partners and spouses of alcoholics.

[Seraphine]

My gods. This op sounds just like my spouse and i. He has good days, a week or two at most, then suddenly behaves kind of in a malignant narcissist, childish way, making life miserable for everyone. Refuses to see a Dr even for an injury he needs to have attended before it causes permanent damage, and is about the laziest person I've ever known which leaves me burned out and not wanting to do anything because I'm the only one who keeps cooking and washing etc. It's so infuriating. But i feel too damaged to survive alone with kids so you know. I stay in misery instead. He constantly gambles and denies everyone else if nice things to pay for it.
Sorry. I know this isn't about me. Just feeling like someone can relate and needing to vent a little

[dahlianoire29]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

My gods. This op sounds just like my spouse and i. He has good days, a week or two at most, then suddenly behaves kind of in a malignant narcissist, childish way, making life miserable for everyone. Refuses to see a Dr even for an injury he needs to have attended before it causes permanent damage, and is about the laziest person I've ever known which leaves me burned out and not wanting to do anything because I'm the only one who keeps cooking and washing etc. It's so infuriating. But i feel too damaged to survive alone with kids so you know. I stay in misery instead. He constantly gambles and denies everyone else if nice things to pay for it.

Sorry. I know this isn't about me. Just feeling like someone can relate and needing to vent a little

It's ok! It's all about relating here :-) . I'm so sorry! That situation sounds much worse than mine actually. I always feel that they act this way because it has a lot to do with their childhood (like a lot of us). You see with my situation, his parents never disciplined him and let him do whatever he wanted (such as if he didn't want to go to school anymore, they'd let him stop going to school, they constantly rewarded bad behavior, and things were easily handed to him) which I think could've caused his narcissism (that and he's an only child). So now he has become a self absorbed human being. Maybe that's the case with your husband .

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[Seraphine]

I think that's likely partially true. I've thought that he is narcissistic before. But because he has good times i don't know if maybe that's part of it or if maybe there's bipolar instead/also or something else going on. He has no sense of impulse control. Can't stop himself from bad behavior like drinking and gambling. Becomes emotionally abusive. Then suddenly for a week or two he comes good. Still lazy but not horrid to be around anymore.
What's ironic is that I've helped others get out of relationships with toxic spouses, and yet i stay with my own. Go figure.
As for worse, pain is all subjective. There is not really a worse, because they all are valid xo

[dahlianoire29]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

I think that's likely partially true. I've thought that he is narcissistic before. But because he has good times i don't know if maybe that's part of it or if maybe there's bipolar instead/also or something else going on. He has no sense of impulse control. Can't stop himself from bad behavior like drinking and gambling. Becomes emotionally abusive. Then suddenly for a week or two he comes good. Still lazy but not horrid to be around anymore.
What's ironic is that I've helped others get out of relationships with toxic spouses, and yet i stay with my own. Go figure.
As for worse, pain is all subjective. There is not really a worse, because they all are valid xo

Most likely he has more than 2 illnesses. I think mine has more than 2. I finally had it this past week though and broke off my engagement to him to teach him that he just can't hurt me and expect things to be fine. I think that softened him because I've never seen him call a therapist so fast. So now he's gonna go. I guess it took him losing me to learn something. I told him I can still be there for him and be his friend but he's hurt me too much for us to have any romance or a romantic relationship right now.
Maybe your husband has to feel like he's lost something but everyone is different especially since we're not 100% sure of what he has.

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by dahlianoire29

Most likely he has more than 2 illnesses. I think mine has more than 2. I finally had it this past week though and broke off my engagement to him to teach him that he just can't hurt me and expect things to be fine. I think that softened him because I've never seen him call a therapist so fast. So now he's gonna go. I guess it took him losing me to learn something. I told him I can still be there for him and be his friend but he's hurt me too much for us to have any romance or a romantic relationship right now.
Maybe your husband has to feel like he's lost something but everyone is different especially since we're not 100% sure of what he has.

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That sounds like a wise decision. If another person is using someone like a drug its likely there's a trauma bond between the two of them which needs to be broken. I hope that things improve for you.

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