[Ms.Lizette]

Me and my husband are on unemployment insurance.
He is probably getting a job really soon.
I can't deal with it.

Feel so EXTREMELY bad about him hanging out for 8+ hours with random people and possibly female colleagues. I can't understand how I could be more important than the people he will hang out for 8+ hours with. I feel so extremely bad that I am completely losing it.

Please any advice is welcome. I can't live like this. We need to get jobs but my husband's jobs are so extremely threatening to me
I am an idiot, clingy, needy and awful.
I don't deserve to live

Hate myself so extremely much

FWIW most people I know respect someone else's relationship status. And now I'm older, I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone I worked with, even if they were single, because I know what a disaster it can be. I'm sure you will be fine!

[HD7970GHZ]

Ms. Lizette,

I apologize in advance if this is a triggering post. You are not alone in how you feel.

I can empathize with you.. I have a question that perhaps might sound irrelevant, but I recall you saying that your husband wanted to attend a session led by professionals who teach about Borderline Personality Disorder... Did your husband end up going? I ask because I want to make sure your husband understands and empathizes with your fears / anxieties. That is paramount.

Forgive me if I sound ignorant if you have already shared the reason why you don't work, but can you tell me why you don't currently work? Are you in a low-point right now or is this all based on the economy?

The best thing you can do is do something for yourself; get your own job. Not out of spite or for revenge, but to give yourself something to concentrate on other than your husband and what relationships / friendships he may or may not make at work.

Distractions is huge, but also doing something for YOU. Build your INNER STABILITY outside the confines of your husband. You need more than your husband in you life otherwise you will only feel worse. I know how hard this is to do because I have had to do it before, but the more you start doing for yourself and your own career / aspirations, your own personal network of friends / supports, the less you will care what your husband does at work.

At least this is what has worked for me in the past.

The thing I have come to realize through going through similar attachments in the past is that I can quickly lose myself and my identity inside an intense attachment / relationship. I no longer think about myself or my own life, the entirety of my focus is on what the other person in the relationship is doing, saying, thinking, feeling, etc... It is an obsession. Everything revolves around that other person. It is like a drug and it is profoundly painful. We can quickly smother those closest to us. When I catch myself doing these things I need to take a break from that person, whether that be mentally or physically... My emotions are telling me to cling, but I need to do everything in my power NOT to cling and instead, I need to take a break. (Opposite Emotion Action) Not to avoid, but to re-prioritize and FIND MYSELF again... Me. I. (As in you, YOU are most important, NOT your husband) Take time for YOU. Alone time for YOU. Look at YOUR childhood pictures. Reconnect with the inner child, WHO you are. Go spend a day or two with YOUR family or old friends. Revisit safe places in life or when YOU felt that life made sense, if it ever did... What are YOUR goals and aspirations? What do YOU want to accomplish in life outside the relationship with your husband? Something that was there before you ever met him. That would be, YOU...

Your husband is married to you for a reason; he loves you. Rest in that. The most important relationship you have is your own relationship with yourself. Work on that and this will start to lessen. Love yourself. You are lovable.

I hope this helps,

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Ms. Lizette,

I apologize in advance if this is a triggering post. You are not alone in how you feel.

I can empathize with you.. I have a question that perhaps might sound irrelevant, but I recall you saying that your husband wanted to attend a session led by professionals who teach about Borderline Personality Disorder... Did your husband end up going? I ask because I want to make sure your husband understands and empathizes with your fears / anxieties. That is paramount.

Forgive me if I sound ignorant if you have already shared the reason why you don't work, but can you tell me why you don't currently work? Are you in a low-point right now or is this all based on the economy?

The best thing you can do is do something for yourself; get your own job. Not out of spite or for revenge, but to give yourself something to concentrate on other than your husband and what relationships / friendships he may or may not make at work.

Distractions is huge, but also doing something for YOU. Build your INNER STABILITY outside the confines of your husband. You need more than your husband in you life otherwise you will only feel worse. I know how hard this is to do because I have had to do it before, but the more you start doing for yourself and your own career / aspirations, your own personal network of friends / supports, the less you will care what your husband does at work.

At least this is what has worked for me in the past.

The thing I have come to realize through going through similar attachments in the past is that I can quickly lose myself and my identity inside an intense attachment / relationship. I no longer think about myself or my own life, the entirety of my focus is on what the other person in the relationship is doing, saying, thinking, feeling, etc... It is an obsession. Everything revolves around that other person. It is like a drug and it is profoundly painful. We can quickly smother those closest to us. When I catch myself doing these things I need to take a break from that person, whether that be mentally or physically... My emotions are telling me to cling, but I need to do everything in my power NOT to cling and instead, I need to take a break. (Opposite Emotion Action) Not to avoid, but to re-prioritize and FIND MYSELF again... Me. I. (As in you, YOU are most important, NOT your husband) Take time for YOU. Alone time for YOU. Look at YOUR childhood pictures. Reconnect with the inner child, WHO you are. Go spend a day or two with YOUR family or old friends. Revisit safe places in life or when YOU felt that life made sense, if it ever did... What are YOUR goals and aspirations? What do YOU want to accomplish in life outside the relationship with your husband? Something that was there before you ever met him. That would be, YOU...

Your husband is married to you for a reason; he loves you. Rest in that. The most important relationship you have is your own relationship with yourself. Work on that and this will start to lessen. Love yourself. You are lovable.

I hope this helps,

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hi,

Thank you for your answer, it wasn't triggering and I know that what you say is the only true solution, but I have really tried to get into my things over the last years, from studies, to jobs and hobbies, but I always feel disconnected to other people and situations, and I find myself in groups of people sitting there thinking about how I can self harm or having SUI thoughts. I think this is the problem, that my husband is my only true friend and in all other situations I feel not only alone but profoundly isolated- as if I was completely in another dark world looking into a bubble I can't access.

I am not working at the moment because I am new in this country (my husband's country), plus I am feeling too bad at the moment. So it is language issues+ mental issues which are currently keeping me out of the work market. I should re-start language classes and this could in theory be an activity. I had started these some time ago but was too unstable/sick to keep up with the study-load, also because I was until recently studying (other studies) online.

I don't know how to connect to people, or how to feel part of anything. My husband has taken a giant role in keeping up my well being. I hate being alone and I have lost my sense of self in this relationship. I can relate to the idea of this being a drug, and yes- it is extremely painful when I am without it

I hope I can get my new therapy going soon. I need help with this

Also, my husband didn't get to go to the relative-meetings because I was dumped by my therapy team. I hope he will be able to go once my new therapy starts.

Thank you for answering, I hope I can get to a place where I can start seeing myself as important for myself. At the moment I really don't I don't want to be alive more than for the sake of others, that's the situation right now

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi Ms. Lizette,

This process of learning to love yourself is a long process and sometimes a life-long one.

Pat yourself on the back for recognizing that you have "lost yourself," in the allure of love and attachment to your husband. It is normal given you have attachment issues. You are not alone. There is a reason we all resonate with these matters. It makes for a very good community and we get it. The important step is to imagine a life where you can be in love with your husband and yet remain comfortably attached with LESS pain and suffering. LESS anxiety, less neediness, ruminations, abandonment thoughts and fears, jealousy, envy, loneliness, anger... It can be hard to imagine an image of ourselves like this, but IT IS POSSIBLE. The more you focus on what that looks like and how to get there, the closer it will be to becoming reality.

Awareness is the first step, and you certainly have it. Change is a matter of using that awareness and finding what needs to change, then putting into practice and making active steps to make it happen; like concentrating on YOU for a change. Taking courses is a brilliant idea! Something you love to do or didn't finish. Spend time researching the culture of the new country you are in and FIND something that you like to do! Maybe something new. Perhaps something you know you hate... There is always something valuable to take from doing something we absolutely despise doing; like for instance, we will begin to value the time we have doing something we enjoy. Too much of anything makes it less enjoyable. Sometimes the perfect fix is to do something we hate to balance things out. (Work takes on this role for a lot of people)

You are going through a lot. I know it might sound backwards to even suggest this, but you need to set appropriate boundaries with your husband and with everyone else in order to "find yourself." That means taking a step AWAY from your husband, despite everything inside of you wanting to take a step TOWARDS. These need to be baby steps, not big ones. You need to take baby steps in whatever direction leads to bettering yourself and you need to fight through all of the pain in doing so (including your husband potentially being angry with you) until you begin to see the rewards and benefits, not just for yourself, but also for your husband. Sometimes the best way to work on a relationship is by working on yourself. Believe me, most partners would be much happier if we were happier. That means living a balanced life and fulfilling the role of BOTH dependent and independent inside a marriage.

It is important to recognize the progress you are making despite all the obstacles before you. You may not feel it, but you are an extremely resilient person and you ARE moving forward. It is NOT easy given the pain and suffering that you experience, but it makes you alive. Real. The only person who can change you, is you. You don't NEED a team of mental health professionals in order to change. It is an active process to desire change and allow your emotions to drive you to do whatever it takes to change. Baby steps. You will find a way.

One thing you mentioned in your last post is that you don't know "how" to connect to anyone. (I assume you mean in your husband's country) I would have to say it is completely normal if you are having trouble connecting to anyone in your husband's home country, considering you are from a different country and you don't speak the native language. That must be very difficult and certainly amplifies your feelings of loneliness.

Are you able to connect to others back in your home country?

Let me know what you think. If it plants seeds in your head or not. I apologize for not responding to all the points you made, it is really late at night and I am unable to reply to everything you wrote.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz