I think this is an interesting debate, and I'm going to post it and see what people say about it (thanks cryingontheinside!)

anyway my point is, that when it comes to self care, do we do it out of motivation?, or, do we actually do it out of politeness.

example:

I would never, ever, go round a friends house, hair a mess, clothes all torn and smelling like a toxic river

I wouldn't expect that from the person I am visiting, so why should I do that?. it's like standards I think. you don't expect it from people, so why do
it yourself

and I think the same can be said for cleaning the house

most days when i'm not actually doing anything or expecting anyone, because I live alone anyway, my house looks like world war 3

but when I am expecting company, you do it- you clean the house and make it nice for that person

maybe it's just me, but even in low motivation states, I believe the reason we do self care is out of politeness, and out of respect- not because we want
to

hell, if I didn't have appointments to go too or things to do sometimes, i'd be quite happy living in a house that is never tidied, and looking like shrek's
older sister

but you gotta show respect

[cryingontheinside]

For me its lack of motivation , anxiety and low self esteem that factors into it .

For example. To have a bath I need gas. To get gas I need to go to the shop . it takes a lot of motivation to go to the shop
Then I need clean clothes to wear if I have a bath . if I forgot to do the washing I can do it now but will it dry in time ?
Then there's those thoughts slipping in " I'm not going out . nobody is going to see me . I don't care what I look like "

I'm not saying I don't bath or tidy up. But I don't do it as much as I would like to because its not always as straight forward as it seems to most people .

Yes if you're seeing people its natural to want to make more effort but if I can't do it then I'm more likely to avoid meeting those people .

But I don't go out of my way to make an effort family or MH workers visit because I don't want them to think I'm doing better than I actually am.

[Shazerac]

For me self care comes out of self love. When I'm feeling worthless I don't care for myself properly. I wear the same clothes for days and even sleep in them. Then I end up feeling really gross, thus feeling even more useless. It turns into a vicious circle.

I don't know if it's self respect or respect for others that finally hauls my nasty a@@ in the shower. I'll take my motivation wherever I can get it. I'm not picky. I'm extremely greatful to have a housekeeper who comes once a week and does the hard stuff. Cleaning the floors, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. I tried doing everything she does once when she had a day off. I almost killed myself and was in bed for 3 days with a backache.

Those of us here at the forum who live alone and don't have any help....my hat is off to you and you have my deepest respect!!! I don't know how you manage it and ANYTHING you do towards self help and self care is a big accomplishment. Give yourself credit where credit is due

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

For me its lack of motivation , anxiety and low self esteem that factors into it .

For example. To have a bath I need gas. To get gas I need to go to the shop . it takes a lot of motivation to go to the shop
Then I need clean clothes to wear if I have a bath . if I forgot to do the washing I can do it now but will it dry in time ?
Then there's those thoughts slipping in " I'm not going out . nobody is going to see me . I don't care what I look like "

I'm not saying I don't bath or tidy up. But I don't do it as much as I would like to because its not always as straight forward as it seems to most people .

Yes if you're seeing people its natural to want to make more effort but if I can't do it then I'm more likely to avoid meeting those people .

But I don't go out of my way to make an effort family or MH workers visit because I don't want them to think I'm doing better than I actually am.

I get the whole thoughts thing

most of the time I don't care what I look like anyway

I really don't

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I'm extremely greatful to have a housekeeper who comes once a week and does the hard stuff. Cleaning the floors, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. I tried doing everything she does once when she had a day off.

I keep thinking about getting some help, I am terrible at self care, especially keeping on top of the housework. But it feels a bit like having a servant - I don't like that whole power thing.

[BipolarMama31]

Originally Posted by Carmina

I keep thinking about getting some help, I am terrible at self care, especially keeping on top of the housework. But it feels a bit like having a servant - I don't like that whole power thing.

I found a college student looking to make some quick cash. Once a week she would come to our house to do cleaning put away kids laundry and tidy up the areas guests would see. She would spend maybe 2 hours and we paid her $50.
She became a good friend, and would even help run errands. (We paid her for extra work)
It took my husband a bit to realize that this gave him extra time to read, meditate, or just do something that made him happy because the burden was on him.
Once my meds were stabilized and routines started we slowly got into the habit of just doing these things ourselves.
She actually did help us both much more than we expected.

To comment on the original question- I have shown up to friends and family homes looking and smelling gross, and that's the times they knew to reach out to my providers and let them know I'm 'off'. I don't try to live up to expectations, because the people who support my mental illness don't want me to put on a happy face a get through a visit, they want to know how I am, see me, feel my energy, and step in if needed.
I do the same for my mom.
When she sounds low or down on the phone, I tell her. She asks for that feedback so she can tell her pdoc.
But, let's be honest, if I showed up to a kids event a mess, I know some of the other moms will judge.
And that's the stigma we all can relate to here. It's unfortunate.

[splitimage]

For me, it's a combination of external motivation, and how I'm feeling about myself. When I'm feeling depressed or drinking, I don't care. I just stay in bed, often wearing the same pj's for days, don't shower, don't brush my teeth etc. It's really kind of embarrasing to admit.

If I have to go out somewhere, I'll do the minimum to clean up, shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth put on the cleanest clothes I have ( I really struggle to do laundry).

When I'm feeling good about myself, I want to look good, so i'll do laundry more often, wear jewelery, still no make up though, but I'll pay a bit more attention to my hair.

Cleaning is also something I struggle with. Thank God I live with a room mate who is a neat / clean freak. She insists we clean the common areas of the apartment at least once a week, and clean up after ourselves in the kitchen immediately. So my apartment is mostly nice. My room whole other story - it could be featured on an episode of hoarders. It's like I don't feel like I deserve a nice environment. then I'll get a burst of motivation, take some of the garbage out, and do a few loads of laundry. But it's a constant uphill battle.

splitimage