always in a crisis

Kind of... i guess...

I watched my parents physically fight near everyday probably... but i have bad memory so dont know if it was everyday or just feels like it..
I would get in the middle sometimes and i remember atleast 1 time getting knocked down and having sofa thrown over me..

But not SA from anyone here .. i dont think..

My parents split up and we were put into foster care for a couple years then went back to dads...

My mom just recent started staying here too.. as well as my brother...

Just trying to help them while they dont have a place to go...

So mom and dad arguing probably is really triggering and makes me regress...

I would say the arguing more than likely puts you in a "submissive" frame of mind - which is the frame of mind of an abuse victim. I don't know if what happened qualifies as abuse but it certainly qualifies as something that would be grammatically frightening and thus would have a long lasting effect and a high probability of the development of triggers regarding "aggressive confrontation" (verbal or physical)

What do you do about being submissive

I feel avoidant in all interactions

The only choices I know are (a) leave the environment or (b) face up to them - bc the overall thing you will need to do is grow in "self"
Self love
Self respect
Self image
Self esteem
etc...

All those "selfs" you need to increase so you can empower yourself - to do that you will either need to leave the environment so you can focus on yourself or face them down in order to show yourself you can do it and cause them to mellow - however, that option can backfire n just entice them to become more domineering

I have been trying to stand up all year and face it...

Started by going to the rehab for 29 days which i could tell a difference by being away from this environment... my memory is really bad but it seems that i deteriorated fast when i came back...

Then from there just trying to fight ... going up and down... feeling weak and strong ...
It comes and goes so fast...

When i went to the hospital for 11 days i strengthened again too...

But fell apart near the next day of getting out...

Its like if i can see progress it helps, if i can see ways for things to improve...

But i have been doin this doctor treatment seeking help stuff for 7-8 years and dont feel like that is going anywhere and feel like doctors cant help me... feel like no one can help me...
Feel like i have to do everything myself and i just don't know what to do, how to fix it..

I try many things but my feelings are not cooperating...

I be brave and do many things but i end up making it worse...

Thats why i end up just sitting there in silence unable to really interact...
Overwhelmed...

For example my mind says to be confrontational.. say to them shut the **** up
Then it says dont be rude or escalate the situation... if i cause myself to get excited i might lose control...
Then it goes back and forth and i feel distant and disconnected and unable to react..

I feel depressed and numb and just want to disappear because im melting my mind

I feel like i have so much bottled up...

I cant have fun anymore or relax... im really so sick of this

Im so sorry for complaining... im just fighting for someones life...

You are not complaining. You are reaching out for help and its ok.

It sounds like the only way you can improve on the "self" is to remove yourself from the environment.

Can you start making plans in that direction?

The ex therapist told me several times that nothing is going to improve as long as i am here...

Its a triggering topic because i feel like im doing all i can do... but maybe im not.. maybe i dont know anything anymore and have just been conditioned..

I have looked into many things to try to remove myself from here.. but i dont have any friends and dont have any family i can stay with and am really not feeling the shelter thing because i just need to know how things are and are going to be.. like.. feel like alot can happen and change with them and maybe even get myself kicked out...

My plan really has been get this disability.. and try to get help on a place somewhere or do an assisted living program

But im feeling pushed like im going to have to try to work somewhere which i dont know how will work as i have the driving fears and live in the middle if nowhere and am so emotionally unstable with such high anxiety..

Thinking about this just makes me feel horrible because i try to put it out of my mind..
Makes me feel like a failed human and kinda just not wanna go through it anymore..

I just am overwhelmed i guess...

I am 27 turning 28 in a few days...
And look at me

I just cant understand how it became this way..
How so many years are gone and i wasnt able to do anything about it...
All i have done is hide.. keep myself alive... despite the pain and suicidal ideations
Ive just made it worse it seems... feels like its all my fault, like i should of done something

I need to start driving some how.. that is some step i can take...
But i dont know how to quell the anxiety and keep myself present when driving..
Its really hard and i think i could use special help..

I asked the other case manager and she just said DMV and i dont think they would beable to help..

I dunno, my moods are really unstable, im unstable, my emotions are chaotic, feelings are confused and i just wanna get better

First - it isn't your fault. It's a combination of things but none of them are your fault.

Next - if you go back to work at all while applying for disability, you will be denied

Next - you can drive if you want - but I would take into consideration what types of mental "attacks" you get, how often, n how severe
Ex do you have anxiety attacks? If so are they frequent? Do they cause you to have tunnel vision or difficulty breathing? How long does an average episode last?

Do you have hallucinations? Auditory or visual? Can you tell the difference btwn them and reality? Do they take over the whole of your reality or just part of it? Do you feel the hallucinations themselves would be a detriment to your driving? How frequent does it happen? What is the average length of an episode?

Etc

Finally - I was in the same situation with living conditions. No friends. Family would not take me in. Hated the idea of a shelter. ... In the end, I sucked it up n went to the shelter n gained my "self" back.

Everyone has their breaking point. Mine almost killed me. I hope you won't do the same.

I dont think i have hallucinations...
I dont really hear things or see things...
My view of the world just becomes more distorted...

Everything always looks weird and feels weird any way but when its bad... its kind of difficult to explain..

I think i do get tunnel vission.. derealization and depersonalization....
I lose myself sometimes, frequently
I guess people would say im off in my own world or something...

I just dont feel safe driving... scared... i was in a car accident with my psychotic half brother when i was around like 5 yrs old... i dunno if that messed my head up because i did hit my head pretty hard to crack the windshield...

I feel like this all the time but trying to drive makes it bad, riding in cars makes it worse sometimes..
Im just always being triggered, everything is associated with something traumatic with me

If that's the case (with triggering - n the fear from the accident) I do not think driving would be a good idea.

Legally I can drive. I refuse. I only do it if I have to. Why? I am an epileptic. I don't have them often at all - last was 3 yrs ago...but it only takes once behind the steering wheel while driving ...to change or end my n possibly other people's lives. I refuse to take that risk if I don't have to. I even own a vehicle in my name - got it with 15mi on it - I have driven it twice, it now has almost 30,000mi on it. My husband does the driving. I have a license just in the event it is needed I drive. You can do that if you wish, that way you are never "helpless".

Yeah thats how i feel, not safe... i dont want to be driving and dissociate or black out or whatever happens

Im getting ready to go to therapy, 2nd appointment with her

I just feel like i supress my personality, or split it into parts, not allow myself to exist on an automatic level...
Im trying to break out of it and let the inside out butit is causing alot of trouble as well as fears...
As there seems to be alot of contradicting factors foing on that i sont unserstand...

Like i dont know who i am for one...
Trying to discover myself safely without hirting myself or causing any problems for myself...
Because im not consistent and i want to be open and exist wholey as a person instead of feeling so filtered and confused avout whats going on all the time

Im tired of being locked in my mind... i want to live and be alive and find happiness and peace

I'm glad you're back in therapy.I hope it's beneficial for you.And I hope you're able to express yourself in your sessions as easily as you do here.

I hope your session goes/went well.

well... it was good
she's pretty good... she talks alot and i like that instead of making me really talk when i dont really know what to say... she knows what i need to hear i guess.. its like she can read me a little maybe and see where im going

its just that i have so much happening all the time that its hard to stay focused

defenses...

i try not to do it in therapy but its not really in my control... i try to force it down but it causes symptoms... so i just try to relax and let things go as they go mostly and i usually just end up in a distant conversation talking...

like i know whats going on but not really... im there but not really...

we talked about my emotions and drug use a little.. grounding...

she recognized that i use drugs as a symptom and not just to get high or whatever and that made me feel better because everyone makes me feel like i just wanna get high and its not true i just wanna feel better...

she said that i also have to try to start identifying my emotions and feelings...

i block so much... ya know?

i was feeling good this morning even though i had a bad night with bad dreams...
dreaming about people ****ing with me all night... pushing me to the snapping limit till i finally snapped and was gonna really really **** a guy up... i woke up soaking wet like 2am and just smoked a cig and went back to sleep... nothing new...

then ride to the appointment was triggered by dad of course...

felt like adrenaline or something... wanted to get high so bad... felt like blowing up..
went on and on... i fought it off... did the therapy even though i wanted to just blow it off... came out feeling like i was in a different world...

ended up drinking 2 beers and switching worlds again..

trigger trigger trigger...

then i was riding home just a few moments ago and was trying really hard to contain myself... just wanted to smoke some weed to calm down... felt like i was going to go the **** off... even though i was back and forth from being ok to not ok... and then it all went away and now im drained... and feel like ****... depressed... hate everything... just want to get high and ****ed up and **** everyone and leave me alone and sit in the corner by myself...

i dunno whats my problem but i dont know how im supposed to control something like this...

Seems the therapy session hit on something a bit - maybe a repressed memory or maybe just something you keep trying to avoid facing. Does your therapist allow you to call her when needed?

Oops....

I did something dangerous
Have no feelings towards it besides it not going the right way

Somethings not right... i mean...
I wish i could describe the feeling ...

Im going mad...... my mind and emotions feel devided and split off and
disagree on multiple stages different subconscious

Please call the crisis number, Elevated. I'm worried about you.

No one hurt

People on crisis number wouldnt be able to really help..

Im fine.. i just need to escape
Need to find way out of here safely before my mind melts or what ever happening

Dont like talking bout these things cause i want to be certain of my self like i want others to be certain of me

But it confusing because it keep changing

Im not sure what im going to do because none of the family really understand or care it seem that it not my fault or me

Sorry, seem like i sayin the same thing over

I would like to just get far away

I figured out what it is dad thinks yesterday
He think he is saving grace
That none of us can do it without him
He always sending program messages

Its not good...

I just woke up and getting ready to go do a little job for a family member

I feel totally different again...
Im not depressed but im not a gangster either if that makes sense

Just kind of like "sigh" because there seems to be nothing i can really do to control this.. mental.. struggle...
And i guess its saddening because who wants to be some one different everyday, or even multiple times a day you know?
Especially so prominently, between something so standoutish like a thug and an altar boy

I dont know what to expect next, suicide kind of feels like a really quiet pleasant relaxing peaceful and like.. end to the marygo round in my mind

But im not allowed to so dont worry

You should at the very least talk to a crisis person as suggested or call your therapist. You need help with you right now - its gone past just getting out of there. *hugs*

But i just had therapy,

Does rapid cycle bipolar make you feel like this?
Like to feel so... switchy

I have pdoc app on 7th...
Bday is on 6 hehe... my age looks really wrong and im having a hard time grasping that im 27 and going to be 28

I want to talk to doc about stop taking the topamax... i think it's making me stupid...

You probably have PTSD or some kind of disorder with dissociation as a symptom. That's why I keep saying to talk to someone or call your therapist.

Is it possible that this is all a test?
An experiment?
Am i fake or somehow the only person alive on this planet?
Or maybe im like some kind of special interference created to further the real humans here?
Further their spiritual and emotional growth

And i just end up like i am
But ... im ... like ....
I cant help it any more
Im possessed...
Im hell bent.. fallen angels....
Im not "normal"
Im not at all like.. human i think
I know that its not likely that anyone understands...
I dont feel like im 1 person
It feels really bad like.. having this feeling of being different people and like sharing my life

I feel like a fool

Extremely embarrassed about myself
About who i am
What i have been through
What i am capable of and incapable of

Hating myself and loving myself

I mean, blah, nvm... i shhh
How can anyone understand

Talk to your counselor. Ask her about dissociation and tell her your thoughts n experiences.