always in a crisis

I do have ptsd...

C-ptsd

Its my primary diagnosis right now

The therapist said some things about dissociation... but i cant remember what she said

I just remember her asking if i was ok to close and leave because i guess i had shifted a little and printing few papers out on grounding

Oh and her telling me to call if anything happens and i needed to change appointment or talk or anything..

I have a real hard time remembering things...

Im gonna be fine, im always fine ..
I dont have a choice, im not allowed to throw a fit...
Atleast to the outside world, sigh

Im a bad kid... but im a good guy...

Self medicating because im tired of it
Im sick of it
I know i know, im going to make it worse
Im supposed to be intelligent.. but these feelings colliding have to stop...
Right now im just containing something, i dont know what it is..
But pumping my brain with dopamine, neuropenephrine, and seretonin seems to help... albeit temporarily
�� ya know?

Part inside, its deep inside now, is scared.
Scared that this whole house of cards is spiraling, about to come tumbling down..
Like the psyche unwinding itself, fearing what to be left..
Because i have shutdown to like catatonic stage a few times within the past month and im not going to come back one of these times maybe

I am tired of having a feeling immediately followed by contradicting feeling and on and on...

Another part is scared that i will snap and not beable to take it anymore, not beable to discern the stuff flying around inside that just seems irrelevant..
And can you imagine that feeling? Because i have felt it and am scared that the overwhelming anxiety and loss of sense of self like that having too many feelings flood will cause just 1 thought to repeat in my mind... suicide.. but i cant kill myself so i know it would be like suicide by cop or something...

Ya know ?
Im ok right now... im just kinda lonely because i have to do this and have to take care of buisiness...
No one around me gets it, they make it worse most of the time by telling me what my problem is (drugs or alcohol) or telling me what i think about all the time (drugs) or saying what i need to do to fix it all and make everything better just like magic...

My dad repeatedly say he dont know why i go to the dr because it dont help, im not getting better, they cant figure out what wrong with me or fix me or get me on disability, blabla....

I gave up trying to explain it to them... i tried hard this year to open up bout my problems and help everyone understand but .. **** it i cant

Ptsd?i thought only people that been in a bad war get that

Bah, c-ptsd?what the hell is that? Prisoner of war?

I have too many problems, i just want to feel better and stop the feelings from cascading..
Stop the feelings from flip flopping, stop my mind from trying to defend both sides together..
I want to go north, 1direction, just in 1 direction...

Thanks for being friendly to me crypts and purple

I am really a nice guy.. i dont show this stuff so much in life...
The trained eye could see something though...

Just that im playful sometimes and other times im silent because i have to keep everything on lock down... due to the symptoms... depression.. anxiety and stuff..

I like to play, i dont like this stuff
Thanks.. im ok i think.. ive been going through this over and over for my entire life so im going to be fine..
Going to see new case manager and pdoc soon and i will tell doc whats goin on... i just **** up everytime i see her because she is so nice it always distracts me and makes me forget how i feel

But this time is different, im just avoiding talking about drugs with them because it makes me feel like ****... i dont want them to know... im supposed to be an angel, but im a ****ed up one...(mentally)

I just thinkin about maybe asking the therapist if she interested in reading like this post or some others from before but i have trust issues and kind of scared to give up a safe place to let things be as they are...

If she sees who i am on here then it may trigger me .. i dont want to stop seeing her because i have only seen her twice and she seems to know what she is doing...

My ex therapist was kind and smart but she seemed perplexed by me like she wasnt really able to take the reigns and lead me if that makes sense...?

But this one kind of walks me through my mind some how but all we do is talk too..

It would damage me to fail.. and to lose another therapist... and to become fearful that she will abandon me or that i will mess up and quit

I talk about most everything openly with them, try to.. till i have blocks in my mind...
And besides the drugs.. but i got the feeling she kind of already suspect im not open very well about drug discussions... because last time something came over me and i remember telling her something like... its not easy to talk about the drugs... because i feel bad about being like this, i did not see it coming when i was little or even growing up... makes me feel awful about myself.. and like no one understands...

i didnt like cigs or drunks or crackheads and thought meth killed everyone and made them always psychotic... thought heroin made you a bad person and that only the worse people used it too..
But now look grrr
They only know about weed alcohol and coke, i think i slipped and told her pain pills...
And i think i mentioned meth once to my old case manager....

But i havnt been honest and dont want them to misunderstand!
Its not easy dealing with mental issues i go through on the regular...
And definitely not easy talking about how such a good boy uses drugs to hide from the pain...
And 100% not easy explaining really how frequently i use when they arent gonna believe me anyway...
And then having to go over and over the drugs and how they effect the mental health... and could be causing my problems...
Ive heard it all so many times... and as i do know drugs arent really good, like talking about, i know that i have tried so many things to get better... and that abstaining only makes it hurt more...

I dont wanna hurt
I just want to make it go away and feel better
So i can be a better person, be happy, beable to function and help others... to play, i like to play and smile and forget the bad things

Does all of that make me a bad person?
T want me to learn to let the good and bad come in like waves... then go out like waves... but i get stuck...
Its overwhelming so i guess i turn it off when i can

I havnt been to sleep... gotta get myself moving around and ready to go...

Sorry about rambling, i just talking to myself mostly i think .. i just feeling split on a lot of things and dont get it

If your therapist said to call her if you need to - you really should.

It's up to you if you want to let her see these posts. I let one of my therapists read my journal at one time bc it was easier than talking.

PTSD can be caused by any trauma:
Abuse.
Victim of violent crime.
Rape or molestation.
Victim to horrific natural disaster.
War.

CPTSD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
It is caused by repeated and extended periods of time in which a person is either hurt or abandoned by one or more people that person feels a close bond to or who is a caregiver of said person.

CPTSD makes it very difficult to regulate one's emotions.

PTSD causes flashbacks, fear, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, emotional detachment, insomnia, severe anxiety, avoidance of certain things, places, or people.

Being openly honest is best - but pushing yourself too much can be damaging. Do what you are comfortable with. Sounds like you found a good therapist.

I really advise you to call her. ❤

Thinking of you, Elevated

You sound a lot clearer. The therapist seems good. Does your heart tell you that she's trustworthy?

Im kinda high i guess... i got some meth yesterday i think... i dont have anymore and probably will switch to something else if i have a choice and can.. i still havnt slept and we finished the yard job today even though im like totally out of shape and apparently have health problems... high blood pressure and high cholesterol.. low endurance.. im only like 160 pounds at 5'10 again too... i really need to start excercising and working out and eating better... i dont eat junk food or anything... i just neglect to eat sometimes because i dont really like eating and i have jaw problems... TMJ stuff...

Its just hard when you feel like i do all the time you know...?

But Yeah she seems trustworthy i think... she said she been doing therapy since like the 90s and she worked with trauma people and even dissociative identity disorder and borderline... she is i guess handicapped you call it? In the wheel chair and cant use her right arm... so i feel little odd with her but she is sufficient... maybe she is very in tune and empathetic and stuff though right..?

Its hard for me to talk on the phone though, hard enough talking in person and stuff.. on the phone my focus goes way down... its hard to keep up and understand the other person... i cant talk about this stuff on the phone... people around me... i get triggered too... and its just sucky... if i lived alone and had my own phone maybe then i could learn to do it

Am i a bad person?
Sigh, my body is kind of tired but im not going to be able to sleep for a while still...
Was hoping to get some weed to help but , oh well .. atleast my mind is quiet ..?

I was diagnosed with adhd too... so who knows...

I kinda wish that some one could give me a massage , a really nice one

When you call you don't get into a lot of things - you just explain what kind of intense feelings you have been having or thoughts...

Im ok.. i didnt call her yet or anything..
Kind of dont remember what was wrong or happening...
Kind of dont really want to go back and read over things just to find out because i dont want to trigger something..
I dont know why my memory is so bad.. but maybe its a blessing in disguise

Im a little sad
But i guess its ok... i decided to reach out to that girl that blocked me the other day or week , however long ago its been..
And she started talking to me again and it made me feel really nice and happy.
I just like talking to her i dont know why... we have things in common and shes cool and just .. seems special but maybe its an illusion in my mind because i think it might go somewhere

So im a little sad because i she did tell me that she is interested in another guy and apparently he likes her and they hang out weekly but she said he is kinda a **** because he doesnt respond to msgs making her have to send more and i just kinda feel like why would she be interested in him if hes not doin her right.. i asked what bout him has her caught and she said she didnt wanna tell me she uncomfortable and think it odd to talk to me about another guy..
And im lil confused why she started talking to me if she was talking to him

I just dunno why girls be caught on **** heads and im like an awesome guy and have to be alone.. cause like for whatever reason girls be trippin over jerks and gettin stuck on them..

But i think i said it before that i knew how it wpuld go with her, think im just gonna try not to let it upset me and keep trying to show her what she's missing..

Im lonely and sad, cant really think to good right now..
Just not really sure what im supposed to do

I told her i felt like she wanted me to back off and she said no she dont she just doesnt want to hurt me
Man i want her so bad, she seems perfect.. imperfections and all...

I really don't know what to say - if she blocked you before there was reason for it n probably better if it remain that way...

I think i know what it is though,.. cause she is actively talking to more peoples ... and she realizes how i am i think, 1 being just crazy... and 2 being really sensitive and attached easilly... she said she didnt want to hurt me if she ended up somewhere else...

How do people talk to many people at 1 time and give 1 person attention enough to find out if they are what they are looking for or not though?
I dont understand how that works

I got triggered this morning... but im ok... i just have to learn to stay myself... and dont get in my feelings because im not in love... i gotta keep telling myself im not in love...

What happened when you got triggered?

Well i was trying to be strong and fight off stupid feelings...
She mentioned the other guy because .. um.. my memory is blurry ... of course, sigh... but i brought it up... some how or another i asked her if she had her eyes on someone else...

And she told me .. she said he isnt her boyfriend though and that he is talking to other girls too...

And i think i kinda started slipping when i asked what would happen, if she wouldbe ok, if he stopped talking to her, and she said she wouldbe crushed.... because... i mean... huh? You know what i mean..?
And i just felt done... even though i tried to be strong, i lost, lost the game, everyrhing... felt rejected... like she isnt interested at all... like shes just talkong to other people because he is trying to have backup plans... and blablabla... it hurt really bad and i probably cried for atleast an hour... i told her too and her reaction wasnt really good but i guess when a guy kinda gets depressed and cries or whatever no one knows what to do and after i said something like i hate myself so much sometimes, because i had embarrassed myself and got in my feelings and let a girl twist my emotions and got in a mix of that stuff and everything she said stop it thats not going to make a ppsitive oitcome to anything and you know it or something anf she disappeared and after a couple messages i realized it and just sat there by my lonesome aching self...

I dunno... **** it i guess you know..
It is what it is..
I been high since yesterdayy again and didn't sleep... thats why i caught her like at 3 or 4 am or what ever time it wad... she said she was asleep and nigjtmares woke her up but... she really feels shady right now and i dont know if its just in my mind or if she is really being dodgy and shady and manipulative...

My ex gaslighted me and manipulated me and... stuff... for 4 years... i thought i was just being crazy... but she was being evil to me...

And now im trying to open my heart again after 7 years and its really tearing me up...

I still really think you need to call your therapist

what for
Im fine...

Just dissapointed right now... but its fine, its not really a big deal
I mean i cant drive and the girl didnt come see me so we never met so its like whatever..
Im just gonna see if she shows any interest at all And try to figure out what ima do or whatever...
Might just try to separate my emotions... and distance myself from the situation that way it wont hurt me any more...

But ill talk to the therapist or try to go into it all if i can remember at my appointment...
I just dont feel like trying to handle it right now you know...
I just dont wanna feel anything right now and let everything just be ok, everthing is fine i think...

Besides me not sleeping and getting in trouble and stuff hehe...
But its fine, i dont care, its no one elses buisiness but my own... i just ignoring

That's why. Because you are not dealing with it.

But its better this way...
I wont fall apart...
Breakdown...
Feel like demons trying to rip me apart from the inside out...
So much pain... im not drinking alcohol... or hurting anyone...
Im just smiling.. acting normal... leaning back on the sofa listening to music and watching tv and messing with the phone and keeping my eye on this girl... maybe borderline semi trying to do something.. trying to figure her out... figure out what to do... she not really being right... ive been through it before it feels like so i just feel like damn... she 20 and im turning 28.. she might just dont care or thonks that im really clueless

i dont have any more drugs right now.. wish i could have some opiates and weed...
Man im a monster, sigh, but im not a fool i dont think

Why would someone make up an excuse about being injured?
Probably to fall back on for ignoring you hu?

No - its better to deal with it bc once you do it can never hurt you again no matter what.

I thought she had already made it clear to you that she doesn't want a relationship with you. Right? I may be wrong but that's what I thought. So you need to accept that. "Getting triggered" I mean I understand I suppose because rejection is hard for us but you are responsible for your actions. Maybe working on self control and accepting reality would help a lot. She blocked you before right? Why are you still trying to make her interested in you?

well... i dunno how to deal really
not sure how letting the T know right now will help ya know... she just gonna say something like practice the grounding stuff and take it easy blahblah my mind is just ****ed up... im an idiot and cant think about stuff right... retarded... paranoid... scared.. and i just want to be ok.. and i can be ok by just not ... letting it get to me.. or something... i dunno.. im just trying to survive

how am i supposed to deal?

well... she said she got frustrated with me is why she blocked me....

she told me last night she wouldnt talk to me if she didnt think she saw something in me...

but im just really having difficulties

im gonna blow up i think.... i cant handle...
my mind hates me... im going to **** everything up till i die and die alone sad miserably in pain probably...

im getting closer to the end of the road... i want to give up.. and just be at peace
no more chaos... no more pains... but i keep fighting... making myself miserable... its hard. im getting so ready...

See that part there "I'm getting so ready"?

Talk to your therapist.

I agree with this 100%.

While it's always good to vent,ES,I had to back away from this thread for awhile because you make such dramatic,concerning posts that are alarming to members but then you seem to brush off,dismiss and make excuses when given suggestions and advice.

People here care and want you to do well but nobody can fix you or help you if you're not willing to help yourself.

Call your therapist or go to the hospital asap.

Don't just try the grounding. Do the grounding. It is better than continuing down the rabbit hole. You aren't retarded, you aren't an idiot. You're scared. I agree with calling your therapist or going to the hospital.

I am sorry for alarming anyone....
I know yall want to help and i lnow i need help and i know yall are making suggestions and i am not just brushing them off... im just hiding...
Theres little control in my life... im reaching climax maybe
Its confusing... im tired..
I just am incapable of processing stuff...
Dealing with uncertainty... i just dont want to be like this
I dont want to hurt any more..
But im scared it will never go away... it gonna hurt forever...
I guess thats why i wanted to not thonk abot it...

I fight hard but it seems useless, makes me more tired and hurting..
I cant go to the hospital...

I feel so hurt
I need to learn to put up walls... keep the world out...
Dont let myself have feelings for people...
Everything hurts me
Everything makes pain
I have no choice but to try pretend i am ok... invalidated self..
Invalidated emotions.. invalid
Cause it all just nonsense.. im just hitting depresion low... need to hide..
Avoid everyone and things.. make good excuse so they dont complain...
Cant talk... cant socialize..

It hurts...

I just wish i didnt have to go through this anymore
I dont want to go through it anymore..
Its not gonna stop though...

I can go away from here too... i dont want to trigger anyone or be a problem person..
I will be fine...

............

Hi Elevatedsoul,

Sometimes it helps to ask the person who is suffering what it is they are looking for, what it is they need...

So my question to you is, if there was one thing you could use right now that would make you feel better, what would that be?

Thank,
HD7970ghz

Why can't you go to the hospital?