always in a crisis

i cant go to the hospital because everyone is sick of it...
they all think im going for the wrong reasons... and im sick of that...
and going isnt going to solve things... like last time i was triggered and having problems the same day i got out... im sick of it..
and the doctor there told me that she couldnt put me on anything really because im already on medicine and that i just need lots of therapy so whats the point going for something like that...

someone stole 40 of my gabapentin this month so i havent had them so maybe im just struggling more without it i dunno...

what do i want?
i dont know anymore.. i just want peace.
somethings wrong with my brain... the way i think... i want to be someone different...
not to think like this anymore or be like this..

its just that it seems like its WHO i am... and i dont know if i can change it... because its not just the thinking... its emotions... feelings... everything..
and i really am tired of it...

i dont know what i want.. besides to disappear..
stop causing problems for myself... and everyone..

I'm surprised to hear that they wouldn't put you on anything? I have always been on medication when I went and they didn't hesitate to put me on something new/change something.

It seems you're stuck on repeat. I think you've said that yourself, actually.

You seem to be trying to convince us or yourself that you are broken, that your brain is messed up, so that you can avoid doing what we suggest. Which was call your therapist, or go to the hospital.

And did you do the grounding?

It's like someone has thrown you a rope that says "You are broken" "You can't do anything about it" "Your brain is just messed up" and you are holding onto the rope.

Let go of it. It's doing you no good.

Here are emotion regulation skills from DBT

P & L Treat Physical Illness
E eating
A Altering Drugs (no drugs except those prescribed)
S Sleep
E Exercise

The section Myths about Emotions includes one thought that you keep coming back to and that is that "emotions are stupid" and that they are meant to be avoided. The website says that emotions are there for a reason. They give you information. Please consider the above skills (the PLEASE skills).

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/emo...gulation1.html

Then there is distress tolerance.

A Activities
C Contributing
C Comparisons
E Emotions - use opposite
P Pushing Away
T Thoughts
S Sensations

After this post I will have to back away from this thread again.

I'm sorry ES,but I don't think you are able to see that your last 2 posts here are just more excuses.You have an excuse for everything it seems.Your reasons for not going to the hospital are just excuses.Who cares if ppl are sick of it?Saying it isn't going to solve things is an excuse too.Why didn't you call your therapist?I'm sure you have excuses for that too.

It all makes me think of 'terminal uniqueness', have you ever heard of that?(since you have been in rehab I'm sure you have since that's where it is talked about often,also in AA and other 12 step programs).

I see evidence of that in nearly all your threads,you constantly talk about how nothing will ever help,nothing will ever change,nobody understands,etc.

You are not as unique as you believe you are,your problems are not as hopeless as you convince yourself they are,people understand way more than you give them credit for.

I believe a good portion of your problems is your own thinking.You really need to work with your therapist on changing your distorted thinking because you are sabatoging yourself and remaining stuck.

Terminal Uniqueness ? Out of the FOG

There comes a point where you have to decide what's more important? My survival? Or other people's opinions of me?

I can't tell you the number of times I have had myself admitted to a psych hosp. Did people ridicule me for it? Sometimes yes. Did I let it bother me? Sometimes yes. But - I never let it stop me from going. Getting there is all you need to do. Once you are there, then you can have others help you. Right now - you need help. Be it hospitalization or speaking to your therapist...you need one and if you talk to your therapist and she asks your if your are suicidal you need to be honest.

But its your choice - your decision. I can't make you do it. I hope you will call or go to the hospital.

Take care ❤

I dont think im unique..
Im just weak

Ive never been "up" in my life, ive always been down..
Never seen the other side.. dont know what else exists besides this hell even though i have tried many times to create something else but i always destroy it..

It just would be so much easier if i had a slither of brightness from my life that showed me how it feels if that makes sense... like most importantly my childhood..

But i have a bad problem, my memory resets or something... if i make progress it seems short lived as i regress and forget... i forget daily.. its not choice to forget... it just disappears... i recognize the problem and know that it is frustrating to everyone surrounding me and makes everyone feel like i dont try and stuff... but i just have become so tired and hurt and alone with this that i feel like it doesnt matter what i do any more because ill keep regressing... forgetting... being stuck...

Does that make any sense...?
Why do i regress? Why is my memory broken...
I dont think i am unique or anything... i just hurt and it hurts to feel better and think things are going to be ok and then to get worse and being like me... over and over...

I feel so beaten... i just want to make it stop is all..

I layed in bed last night trying to identify the feeling... all i could tell was it hurt...
I knew i was hurting because i was upset about the girl though... and because im giving up on relationshops because i cant handle them obviously... just the feeling makes no sense.. like cant connect it..

Even though I said I was going to back away from this thread,I was thinking about this ^^ and wanted to ask you if you have visited the PTSD and CPTSD forums much here.There's alot of good threads and info there and it would be a good place for you to ask questions and find help for many things you struggle with.

Dissociation is pretty common with PTSD and especially when symptoms are in high gear.It's also common to do well until triggered by something and then spiral down,just to eventually feel good again until the next trigger comes along.It gets very draining both emotionally and physically to have to keep going through the same cycles over and over,and the best thing to do is to learn all you can about it and find what works best to help you pull through to the other side again,learn to manage episodes.

IDK why it didn't really sink in to me that you have PTSD,you did post it in this thread but I guess my brain skipped over it or something.

It does sound like your PTSD is pretty severe.I hope you can find ways to tame it and deal with it.

https://www.healingfromcomplextrauma...ping-with-ptsd

Also,is this a new diagnosis?If I recall correctly,that's not something that was listed on your disability application,seems like it was just ADHD(or ADD?) and GAD?

Having a PTSD dx should help you with getting disability.

ptsd was nearly one of my first dx... just not treated as primary because the other doc thought treating bipolar was easier or something...

I guess I didn't realize it was one of your first dx.You don't really talk about it much,do you?

Unmanaged PTSD is a pretty serious thing and something you definitely need help with.I hope that this new T you are seeing works on it with you,and I hope you work on it on your own too.

Possible answers:

Why do you regress: because you get triggered and your PTSD takes control

Why is your memory broken: because your trauma/s were too much for your brain to handle all at once .. So it broke the trauma into "pieces" - like a puzzle - and each "piece" gets revealed slowly one by one .. but sometimes the triggers can cause others to reveal themselves unexpectedly

What you are experiencing is your mind trying to heal both itself and you. When the mind does that - you experience it in the form of memories or visions .. that's why we dream while we sleep. The problem is when the mind gets overloaded - it's like trying to work on a high voltage electric circuit wiring while still actively charged .. luckily, our brains generally know how to navigate so as to not completely overload and cause us to become totally "mindless", but it is possible to "push ourselves too far" (past what our brain wants us to do) and thus put ourselves at risk ... this is why therapists are needed to guide us through it.

feeling like im in a box... unreal...
things look strange and colors are different if that makes sense...

this thing with the girl has triggered me into a space i need to get out of...
i think i am panicky, told her i was just going to go away for some days...
hopefully getting my gabapentin will help...

PTSD is big part of things for me... i have been traumatized repeatedly through my whole life...

i want to feel happy... want to have this bad feeling stop...
i feel so sick... dizzy... not here...

i am trying to work on the ptsd...

man she has messed me up i think... not her... but her... i did .. my mind...

Again - this is why you need a therapist to help guide you through it.

Then it's crucial that you work with your treatment providers to learn ways to manage your PTSD.There's no cure but it can be managed.

Only you can learn ways to manage it.Everyone is different,what works for one person may not work for another,you gotta try different things until you find what helps you.And that means trying more than just once,you gotta keep at it,give it time before you will even know if it helps or not.Nothing's instant.I've been working on managing my own PTSD for quite a few years,some episodes are horrible and last a long time,others are short lived.

They always pass though.That's the main thing to remember.

What are you doing at this moment to help yourself?What things are you trying to get you through this(besides drugs)?If you don't know what to do or try,call your T for suggestions.That's what they are there for.

Im going to try to quit doing drugs... besides my green of course... i know it can make things worse...
I dont really have problems with the drugs... its just quick fixes that i guess i have a problem with...

Trying to not make myself feel awful... nor obsess.. but its hard...

Not really doing anything i guess... just feeling sick and nausea... maybe have a cold or something..

Need to get some notes figured out for pdoc in a few days...

Yep,drugs can make everything worse,alcohol too.

Nothing wrong with the "green" if it helps.It helps me but I only use it medicinally and not recreationally now.I found there's a huge difference in helping myself manage symptoms and just getting stoned for the hell of it.

You could always check out the link I posted earlier in this thread,go read in the PTSD forums here,or even Google how to manage symptoms instead of doing nothing.Your choice though,nobody can force you,only encourage you,the rest is up to you.

I am breathing... trying to clear my mind...
I have a hard time seeing the forest forthe tree alot of the timez...
Need to pick up the papers T gave me on geounding and read through them and try to practice some of them... its from a group called seeking safety, DBT...

I dont mean to get like this.
I feel like a fraud because i usually try so hard.. and its gotten like part of me is trying so hard on their side and anothet half has given up completely... i need to get them to work together or some how just make it a dual process where there is no split like yhat...

I dont understand it honest...

Its ruining me... i thought i was going to kill myself a few nights ago...
I had a moment and it came through in front of my mom and couldnt keep ut in... and thought she was gonna make me ho back to the hosptyal...

I hate it when she hears those things because its gotta make her feel awful...

I just was hurting really bad and couldnt stop thinking about it that night and was drunk and stuff...

I want to recover and have a cool life though... dont want to hurt anymore... i definitely dont want to hurt myself more... its why i havnt cut since like February... even though i have came close lately...

Im just feeling alone... probably triggered because of my birthday too... will be 28 yearsold on decmber 6....
Just cant wrap my head around that number... makes me feel spacey... i havnt done anything... nothing... jesus

I feel so pressured... so much pressure...
I have to get a life... i need a life... i want a life...
Ineed help... i need to get away from these people... i love my family but its all wrong...
They arent normal either... and they think the people at the clinic cant help me either and are making me worse...

I need new people... i need an escape...
I need a new start... i am frightened...
I need a chance... if i ****ed it up though... i might really would try tokill myself...
I am also depressed and heart broken on top of it now...
With even worse self image.. and stuff...

Im making a song too... usually workgni
On music helps... i will share after i upload it... thanks for being here for me...
When i become more comfortable
With the T i will beable to call...
I will get her email if i can though..
I can email easy... just hard to talk...

Need to know what to say to pdoc..
How do i sum all of this up into notes?

Im having a hard time being able to focus clearly hehe..

All i know is i wanna stop taking topamax because it might not be benefiting enough... and fogging my
Mind too much...

How long have you been on the topamax? If it has been less than 6-8 weeks they will want you to go that long at least.

Your prescribed meds certainly could be causing that or making it worse. But the illicit drugs and alcohol you use likely are causing that lack of focus too.
A part of emotion regulation is staying away from drugs/alcohol(except those prescribed to you.) Eating well, exercising. These habits could lead to a clearer mind but it's up to you to take the action.

Reading through your therapy papers and doing the skills is great. That's excellent that you are writing a song and that music is one thing that helps you!

Been on topamax 100mg in the morning for like... a year? Or mor.. i cant remember...

Excercise is difficult, motivation for anything really i guess is difficult..
But i seem more inclined to act for others than myself..

I never got to the papers
Im having a hard time .. processing events or .. everything maybe

Trying hard to snap out of it...

How do you stop obsessive thoughts... being stuck,...
Going to look at that link now since i also didnt do that earlier...

This;
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-want-you-back

Triggered big things

Obsessive thoughts can be controlled in varying ways but I am finding you do not end up using any of the advice I give.

The article is about unperturbed unreturned love so it is understandable it would trigger you.

What i meant is thats kind of the way i am feeling...

Trying to tell myself the things it said in the article. She doesnt want to play with me.. atleast right now..
She doesnt wanna talk apparently, atleast right now...

Im just feeling bad and its like somethings wrong with me and its hurting and feels heavy physically and everything...

It feels to be killing me but am doing what i can to avoid sending anymore messages and just give her space and wait some time hoping it will be ok in a few days...
Because its kind of painful for some reason...

Thought the T said emotions would come in as waves and go out as waves

Dont know what happened to me or why this girl got me.. besides maybe having so much in common..
And being so damn cute

Im still sober.. kinda.. even though hurting... no hard drugs.
No alcohol... just feeling heartbroken and wanting to get my life together... to get a life.

I reached out and have been talking a little to 2 of my cousins about the girl and they are being supportive and trying to help me through this...

The advice is that i need to give her space and that i may have overwhelmed her...
Which i have heard another girl tell me that i overwhelmed her so im sure i did...

Its just hurtful and hard because all i wanna do is see her and having to fight all instinctual thoughts...

Really sucks... some birthday im going to have...
Broken heart again..

Im going to try to work on myself though... i just need out of this house... just dont want the shelter option.. has to be another way... they have to be about ready to give me a court date for my disability hearing... its been like 6 months i have been waiting for a date...

Sounds to me like you know your options. Only you can make the decisions. Any decision comes with consequence. Some with good consequences. Some bad. You should always try to make the decision that will give you the best consequence in the long run. Only you know that answer.