always in a crisis

done with this...

i have no life

i am no one and nothing

somethings gotta happen...

i gotta do something to be something... or someone...

You're not nothing.

i just don't know what to do about this

its who i am
its what i am...
im a freak... a monster...

i try to be human
i try to relax... i try to let go
i try so hard.. but it doesnt matter!

my head is filled with lies... i am a contradiction
i am a lie... how do i exist?

i really am nothing, void...

i have no self image besides being a broken piece of **** now...
because all of the images inside are false...

but i have like no control... i shut my mouth and close my eyes...
trying to be something im not i guess... but its coming from inside and i dont know who or what i am...

so its a constant war of internalized versions of who i have been or am fighting over the mind...

i cant take it anymore... to be pulled in so many directions constantly...
to have my mind doing so much...
to seemingly have contradicting personality types existing that i cant figure out what is real or really me...

a gentleman? an asshole? thug? drunken drug addict? arguing inside?
leaving me disabled, this is all a lie...

i can't be around people... im so tired of trying...
just thought i could push through it by being strong and conquer it like most people do with most things... but this just isnt one of those things...

want so bad to be able to hang out and enjoy company...
but its not possible...

i just dont know what to do... i just wanted to be happy and have friends

what is my problem... can't even make my mind up that i hate myself because of this internal warfare...

just tired... tired of it all..

Best thing I can tell you to do is before you act or react on or to anything ask yourself the following questions:

How do I want to act/react?
Why?
What reason did this happen? Or Will my action possibly present future problems?
Is there some other possible explanation for this besides the one I thought of?
What else can I possibly do instead to "fix" this or to prevent possible problems?
What (out of all options including my original one) would be my best choice?

Reactions can include actions, words, beliefs on a situation or person, or emotions.

I don't see any evidence of you being a bad person - just a hurting one.

I just want to act confidently...
Knowing what to expect, what im going to do, what i think
think, what i believe, what i feel, whats going on, ect...

But it doesn't seem possible...

I get trapped by a bridge in my mind unable to pass it as too much tries to pass at once...

Im just a nobody... existing in everything and in nothing...

Im a mirror... people will see what they would like to see in me most of the time...
Im not real....

You know what i mean...?

I am so depressed i think...

But i am so discconected...

Im just not alive..
I dont have a life anyway...

I feel so alone...
Like there is no one there... no one has ever understood or been there for me...

I cant do it anymore..

That's why I learned to ask myself the questions. Once I do then I feel empowered in that I know what I am doing is not an emotional response but an appropriate response. After a time it becomes automatic. Right now in the state of mind I am in though I just don't give a flip about anything.

I feel like my mind cant handle it any more

I always try to stop and ask questions like that...
But i am freezing up, i am unable to react at all, shutting down
Thankfully i dont think i have blacked out...
But no one has really told me... or really indicated anything...
Besides that i get the vibes that people know i am ****ed up...
And dont want me around because they think its something wrong...
Which makes it worse for me... because i just tried to be likeable and friendly when i just feel like death and suicidal...

But im so sick of it... its like it doesn't even matter anymore...
Like i know im severely depressed... but i step outside of myself ignoring everything...
The world becomes me, i become the world... i have no self...
So i dont feel... i am fine i think to myself.. but i think to myself i am not ok...
I dont know how i can live like this... to live a lie
To live in shadows, never being revealed.. never seeing myself or showing myself...

How can so much be hidden from the world
How can so much be hidden from me...

I dont know what to do...

I feel like maybe if o get a handle on things financially it might improve...
Being able to be self sufficient.. independent... not caught or trapped...
Maybe would allow me to feel more control...
Like i have power to make choices or something...
Because i feel so weak right now...
I cant make choices... i dont understand things...
So much confusion...

I need to make it stop, but i dont even know whats happening..
Just feel like i am going insane...
Memory isnt working... mind is always somewhere else...
Its a waste of life... just to be so miserable...

First - remember - there will always be 3 types of people:

Those who hate you
Those who love you (in one form or other)
Those who don't acknowledge you

Knowing that, you need to understand there is no way to make everyone satisfied with you or happy with you. So what do you do? You make you happy and satisfied with you.

How?
Decide what it is you want.
Make those your goals.
Come up with plans to attain those goals.
Put those goals to action.

Examine yourself.
What do you like about yourself?
Celebrate those things - let them be known as often as possible.
What do you dislike about yourself?
Come up with plans to change those things.
Put those plans into action.

Do you prefer to do things inside or outside your home?
Figure out a daily or weekly routine to allow yourself enjoyment in those places.

Schedule n stick to the same hours of sleep each day.

Try to eat well. (At least a good breakfast, a medium lunch, and some snacks throughout the day - hopefully a small supper tho too.)

Get some exercise if possible.

These things will help you with everything you mentioned as well as with your "self" problems (self image, self love, self esteem, self value, etc)

Hope that helps.

I just wanna be happy
I dont know what makes me happy anymore

Smoking weed makes me feel better and able to put up with stuff a lot more... so for more than half my life i have believed it to make me happy..

When someone is genuinely giving me attention i feel better.. wanted.. but ive put up so many walls i think that i dont think that i really allow anyone to give me attention anymore...

I dont know what i like about myself...
Everything about me seems messed up anymore and cant do anything right
I used to be kind of smart... but im just stupid now because i cant think... focus... or remember anything...
I try to play music but fail because of my problems and dont get anywhere with that...
I just cant think of anything...

I understand what you mean though.. and appreciate it.. i just scared that maybe its too late...

I need real friends... but i have never had real friends before so i dont think it will happen now.. especially since i have so much trust problem...

Im just scared that its over

My mind keeps replaying things... how ****ed up i am and how weird i act... things i said or didnt say... everything i done wrong... or thought i should of done different...

I just want to run away, to disappear

You articulated my current status so well! Thank you.

While it hurts to see another soul suffering in a similar way, it is also good to know I am not alone. I am sure you feel the same? I couldn't help but notice how good you are at writing. It resonates deeply, like poetry. Have you considered writing a book about your pain and suffering? Or a blog? I enjoy reading what you write and I believe others do as well. You've got a ton of insight. Sometimes when we know pain and suffering more than anything else, we see it as wholly bad... However, it can be a source of inspiration and wisdom for others, including ourselves. Helping others can be another way to help yourself. Do you find that helps you?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I am going to pick apart what you said. My responses are in bold:

"I just wanna be happy
I dont know what makes me happy anymore"

That's because you have conditioned yourself to believe you cannot be happy. When you start feeling yourself think something negative - purposely turn it into a positive.

Ex. "I am stupid" becomes "I am intelligent and learning more everyday!"

Eventually you won't have to be purposeful about this anymore bc it will just come naturally

"Smoking weed makes me feel better and able to put up with stuff a lot more... so for more than half my life i have believed it to make me happy.."

Smoking weed will indeed cause you to feel happy while you feel the effects of it but while you are coming down from it (or if you become addicted - during the withdrawals) you will be extremely depressed

"When someone is genuinely giving me atten
tion i feel better.. wanted.. but ive put up so many walls i think that i dont think that i really allow anyone to give me attention anymore..."

One thing I had to learn is that you cannot depend on anyone to make you happy. This is because you cannot control them. You cannot control their actions, beliefs, reactions, thoughts, or words..but you can control your own. It is through controlling these things you will find the ability to in turn control your emotions.

"I dont know what i like about myself...
Everything about me seems messed up anymore and cant do anything right
I used to be kind of smart... but im just stupid now because i cant think... focus... or remember anything..."

These are the repetitive statements you say to yourself. Turn them into positives

I am not messed up. I am a work in progress.

I am still learning about myself and other things, so I may make mistakes, but I will improve.

I am intelligent and learning things everyday!

"I try to play music but fail because of my problems and dont get anywhere with that...
I just cant think of anything.."

There is no requirement to focus or think or remember when it comes to music. Just let it play. Enjoy the parts you notice. Let the other parts just "float"

"I understand what you mean though.. and appreciate it.. i just scared that maybe its too late.."

Nothing is ever too late unless you deem it too late in your own mind.

"I need real friends... but i have never had real friends before so i dont think it will happen now.. especially since i have so much trust problem..."

Friends cone and go. You don't. Always remember to be there for yourself. Love yourself. People are attracted to those who love themselves.

"Im just scared that its over"

It's over when you say it is - not until.

"My mind keeps replaying things... how ****ed up i am and how weird i act... things i said or didnt say... everything i done wrong... or thought i should of done different..."

Again turn these into positives.

I make mistakes because I am human, it's ok to be human.

I am allowed to say and do whatever I want to or don't want to. If I hurt someone, I can decide to apologize. This will happen at times. It happens to everyone. It's ok.

"I just want to run away, to disappear."

What would disappearing resolve? Your issues would still be there.

Been awhile since I heard from you. Hope you are well. PM me if you like. (Don't respond here though.) *hugs*

Yeah.. helping others is like my favorite thing to do

I just dont know what i would write

I just dont understand why my mind has turned for the worse

Its gotten so bad and i was doinh so good i thought

I dont feel like a man at all, feel like a little scared boy that cant take care of himself that is trying to hide it from the world and act like an adult

I need to get out of dads house, get some kind of financial independence (but how can i work like this?) Start driving and stop being fearful, take my life and get away so that i can set up my own rules and boundaries and be in control so that i dont feel so lost...

Do you have people in your home talking mean-spirited about you or to you in regards to yourself.

Ex ("You will never amount to anything" or "Nobody likes you" etc)?

I feel like everyone thinks that about me

People have said things before...

Its like they think all i want to do is just play and get high...
But when im trying to play around or get high im just trying to take my mind off these things and be normal.. to try to feel a little happy... but i always crash because im somehow reminded that i am worthless and that i am not getting any where...

I know getting high is frowned on but i hurt alot and just want to feel better..

Latelyi have gone out with a family member a few times and since then it seems to have gotten worse too... they havnt said anything directly to me but i know they have talked behind my back...
They dont know about my problems.. and i dont know why they wouldnt try to to talk to me instead of talking about me behind my back...

Its so bad that its almost like i hear voices sometimes...
But its not really like voices... its like really loud thoughts..?
Like did i just hear them say that? Or was it just in my head?
And i feel so paranoid... i havnt done anything wrong to anyone...
I just wanted friends and thought going out would help... but i just cant handle this you know

My dad is very negative and argumentative.. he is really triggering...

My family in a whole is just triggering i guess... i feel awful abouy it... about myself

I go all day sometimes not able to really talk because i feel so bad.. and then i get tp feel bad about being like that to everyone...

It sounds like a very negative n unhealthy atmosphere for you to be in. I won't go as far as to say its abusive but it is very unhealthy for you. I don't see anything improving until n unless you are removed from thst atmosphere unless you see some way they may treat you better? Would telling them your probs make it better or worse?

You may just need to go to a shelter so you can save for a place of your own.

I have tried talking and explaining things but they dont get it and think i am just being rediculous ..

They think i should beable to "buck up" "tighten up" "man up" or whatever and that i shouldnt have problems or be depressed or have ptsd or whatever...

And when i cant hide it any more they think im depressed because i dont have any weed or something... and just say im a drug addict..

I want to move but i dont have any income at all and still waiting to hear about a court date on disability...
I want to work too but i dont know how i can work like this.. i barely manage as is..

When I was waiting on disability, I moved into a Salvation Army shelter. It's not ideal but it keeps you alive. Is that a possibility for you?

I think you know what is best for you. You've already said it above.

I apologize in advance if any of what I write seems invalidating. It is not meant to be and I only speak from the heart and hope it helps you.

The negative self talk is something we all struggle with. It is the negative inner critic that puts us down and tell us we are worthless, hopeless, incapable of changing, weak, stupid, etc.

The good news is YOU ARE AWARE OF IT!

I am currently struggling with this, so I don't have much to offer in terms of healing, however, I do know how you feel.

When you have been abused emotionally, bullied, invalidated (among many things) you will develop an inner critic that will carry the message that your abusers and bullies projected onto you. It is very important to remain aware of this inner critic and to try and challenge it.

The truth is, you CAN move forward, you CAN get better, you CAN heal. Sometimes we just spend so much time in the yucky unhealthy lifestyle that abuse and trauma creates for us, that we forget that we CAN be healthy and we ARE NOT imprisoned to a life of suffering and further self-abandonment.

I truly believe you know what is right for you. You already said it. Now it is about making it happen. Don't set obstacles for yourself when it comes to your recovery and future; you DO NOT need to be fully stable before you can move out and become financial independent of your family. This would be the inner critic and the fear driving that idea. Truth is, I was forced out on the streets by my parents after spending YEARS in a similar situation to what you describe. At the time it was heartbreaking and utterly destroyed me, however, it taught me that even when I am doing so poorly, I can still survive. So can you! If you HAD to be financially independent due to extreme circumstances, you would; because you'd have no other choice. If you want a kick in the pants to move towards financial independence, realize right now that you have the aided benefit of living in a home where food and shelter and some sense of safety is already provided. Not to scare you, but that may not always be there. It is important to take advantage of the time you have so that you can nurture yourself and your life. Gently pushing yourself more and more is the key. You know what you gotta do.

Time to harness your fear and make a change. Start with baby steps! I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and suffering and crying and sleeping and wanting to die and all the lovely crap that comes with BPD and depression. It is hell but it gets easier the more we do it!

Also, you are a very good writer! It doesn't matter what you write, just write. You'll find out what you want to write the more you do it.

Also, start challenging the inner critic. Instead of seeing yourself as incapable of being healthy and financially independent, start imagining how that would look. Start thinking about who you would want to be if you could be anything and how that would play out. Then, once you have an idea of who and what you want to be, start doing things to work towards it. You can do it. Change is extremely hard and with change comes loss.

Change is hard but you can do it.

You can do this.

HD7970ghz

I dont know honestly...
My old case manager (by the way i found out the other day that my case manager was leaving so thats another one...) tried talking to me about shelters..
But i dont want to leave here to go to another place just to be faced with more problems...
I need space and dont think i would get enough because im not getting enough here...

I wanted to do an assisted living program maybe but i have no way to do that either

I just thought if i can get the disability i can maybe get help with a place to live and just lock myself up in there...

Makes me sad though because i love people kind of and want to be around others but i just cant.. its too hard.. im too introverted or something...

I dunno... i kind of just wanna die you know
All of this is sucking my soul from my bones..

Thanks, im just stuck i guess.. but i will get out one way or another..

Sorry took so long to respond, just dealing with things n when I came back started going down my list of notifications.

Ok - so to me, it sounds like you have done as most abuse victims do (not saying you are abused) and just gotten used to your unhealthy surroundings - so much so you are now scares to try something different on the off chance it is worse

There is no "cure" for that n the only "solution" is - do it anyway.

Here - its an old song - but has a message I want you to hear - if you don't mind?

My internet is being really slow right now and the song wouldnt load so i will check it in the morning

But i know that to be true, that i am fearful, i fight it everyday and try hard at everything...

I talked briefly to the ex therapist about stockholm syndrome because i thought i had something similar...

I dont know what my problem is, my siblings arent as messed up as i am ..

I was sexually abused though... atleast i think it was abuse..
It ****ed my head up... but i try not to defend them..

And i have almost died a few times in traumatic situations...

My childhood was ****ed...

Fell in love only to be manipulated and emotionally abused... over long distance so it was easy for her

And now im just broken all apart and confused trying to make a life out of this messed

Were you abused by any of the people you live with now?