[JessLynn]

Well, had a pretty severe BPD rage episode the other night. A lot of **** went down. Started with me talking to my mom about how my aggression and anger has been bad and how I'm talking about that with my therapist when my sister walks in and gets mad at me for wearing her shirt. So I stripped her shirt off right there, threw it in her face, grabbed her bottle of wine and headed to my room. NOT SAYING THIS WAS THE BEST THING TO DO.

Anyway, I heard my family talking about me and it spiked my rage even more. This new fight ended with my sister shouting at me about causing trouble in the family by threatening suicide in the past, and I was so enraged that I grabbed two knives from the knife box and was gonna take it to myself when my dad restrained me on the ground. My sister was on the phone about to call 911 and I was screaming on the ground. I have the bruises from where I was restrained. Anyway, not a proud moment, but I really think I was manic???

Carried on to the next day when I just got day drunk and did countless yetti's, was out of it.

[PsychoPhil]

Thanks for sharing. Your family will know best if your irritability is episodic. And your therapist might know if such episodic irritability could be mania.

To me your story reads like you have trouble handling feelings of guilt. Stripping off the shirt might still be a reasonable reaction, but in your room you probably felt guilty for taking it and moreover throwing it in your sister's face. Then your guilt turned into anger, first at yourself, afterwards at whomever else.

I would suggest you try to notice when you feel guilty about something, and then tell yourself to accept yourself despite the mistake you made. Also, and that's something I learned from own mistakes, however bad a situation is or however angry others already are, one can always still make it worse. Or, conversely, no matter how bad the situation, one can always make it better by behaving and reacting reasonably.

[JessLynn]

Originally Posted by PsychoPhil

Thanks for sharing. Your family will know best if your irritability is episodic. And your therapist might know if such episodic irritability could be mania.

To me your story reads like you have trouble handling feelings of guilt. Stripping off the shirt might still be a reasonable reaction, but in your room you probably felt guilty for taking it and moreover throwing it in your sister's face. Then your guilt turned into anger, first at yourself, afterwards at whomever else.

I would suggest you try to notice when you feel guilty about something, and then tell yourself to accept yourself despite the mistake you made. Also, and that's something I learned from own mistakes, however bad a situation is or however angry others already are, one can always still make it worse. Or, conversely, no matter how bad the situation, one can always make it better by behaving and reacting reasonably.

I spoke to my therapist about it. He too thought it was an episode.

Behaving and reacting reasonably?? I was out of my ****ing mind. Behaving and reacting reasonably was out the window. I was so far in emotional mind, so deep in crisis state, that was actually impossible. I was about to kill myself for ****s sake.

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by JessLynn

Anyway, I heard my family talking about me and it spiked my rage even more.

Understood. You had an episode and then all spiralled out of control. And maybe there wasn't much you could do about it.

It was similar for me recently. I had or still have what one would call an episode and behaved unreasonably. Mine didn't come out of nowhere, it was triggered.

But suppose you hadn't had an episode, do you think you could have done something to prevent your anger from spiking in a situation like the quoted line?

[JessLynn]

Originally Posted by PsychoPhil

Understood. You had an episode and then all spiralled out of control. And maybe there wasn't much you could do about it.

It was similar for me recently. I had or still have what one would call an episode and behaved unreasonably. Mine didn't come out of nowhere, it was triggered.

But suppose you hadn't had an episode, do you think you could have done something to prevent your anger from spiking in a situation like the quoted line?

Lately? I hope so. But I don't know because I go from 0-100 so fast. I feel like I am unsafe to myself and possibly others if I lost control like that again.

[PsychoPhil]

Same here. I am new to the trade and still learning about my various mental issues, though I've had them for decades. Your post helped me understand what a BPD episode is, that I am having them myself, and that, depending on how bad it gets, it's hard to stay in control.

Well and on top of that I'm plagued by OCD intrusive thoughts, what if I <fill in anything socially unacceptable and out of character>, and then get caught up in repetetive thoughts of being a bad person. Losing control in BPD episodes then surely doesn't help me telling myself I'm not a bad person. Pretty vicious circle.

[amicus_curiae]

First - I love the quotation in your signature space. I have a sort of philosophical mantra of “I did what I did and I have no explanation or excuses so can I just say that I’m sorry and let’s move on?” The “you have what you have” can be educational. When I get into some discussions, I’ll start by saying, “I come from a privileged white, male, upper-middle-class background, so let’s move on.”

Because I’ve found anger to be cathartic during the past couple of years, and maybe because I am (this word is new to me) elderly, I don’t have rage episodes these days. Even when I did (24-29-years-old?) I never thought of hurting myself... had I grabbed knives I would have been all Kiddo on others. I called them ‘sudden outbursts’ so I can relate to your 0-100 metaphor.

I think that if the younger me had been in the situation that you describe, I would have felt that others were ganging-up on me. Taking sides against me. (I don’t know what it’s like to have a sibling - and I have a sensually pleasurable feeling if others are wearing my clothes, using my pen, touching anything that belongs to me, so I can’t understand your sister’s reaction.) I had my last rage episode on Christmas Day, 2016. I was in a non-psych ICU and would not stop screaming or attempting to pull out and off the tubes and crap. I thought (I still think) that the two male nurses were sadistic basterds - rather than medically calming me I was restrained by six people -> and the bruising was fierce.

You know... I can’t fault you. Not for your initial rage episode (when rage and anger are being discussed? And those very issues are exacerbated?) not for the following (not the knives, though; a classic BPD effort, but not me) after hearing your family discuss you.

Way, way back, I was prescribed Thorazine as an antipsychotic and it helped quell my rage episodes. I’m on a buttload of antipsychotics, now, but I think that it was depression and aging that stopped the rage.

So.

Are you on any antipsychotics? I agree with your therapist - that’s a classic, textbook BPD episode. It concerns me that you fear that you might harm yourself or others. If I voiced that concern to my therapist I would be bound and gagged and be off to the psych ward. If I were you I wouldn’t flippantly say those words - only if you mean them (and, if you do mean what you’ve written, I would voluntarily ask for admittance).

You have a mental disorder and you should, even whilst raging, try to keep in the back of your mind, somewhere, the ‘actions have consequences’ meme. I should disclose that I suck at keeping that meme in mind. I began spending on my already overdrawn checking account this morning, after my disability check was deposited, and I’m $1,100 overdrawn, now. But I’ll have boxes and boxes arriving throughout the next week. I haven’t reached the regretful stage, yet. I can’t pay rent or utilities - the latter two already overdue.

Maybe the back-of-your-mind crap will work better for you.

It’s only lately that I’ve tried to understand branches of cognitive science beyond linguistics, having some knowledge of philosophy and having a history of psychological disorders. The things that I’ve written might be psychotic garbage. The things flying in my brain certainly are. If other BPD people can identify with your experience, if we can imagine ourselves behaving exactly how you behaved, if we read of astonishingly similar behavior, are we able to say that the behavior is unique to the situation or that our disordered behavior is expected, predictable and not the fault of ego/me?

I’m rattling on. Sorry.

I’ll ask, again: Are you taking any antipsychotic medications?