I want it but...not

About a month ago, i wanted to go IP, went IP, was happy for a few weeks, then got out 3days to celebrate a holiday, now im back IP and i hate it and cant understand how could i want it before.
Only explaination is that before i needed a break from life and wanted SHOW at work i "deserve" the invalidity i have.
Done that, i dont need it anymore but funnily, right now i want to die/od/act up because im here. So i want/deserve to be IP or not?

Same about the job. I worked very hard to get it, now i would do anything to keep it but.... i hate it! I want to.go back to work just to SHOW i can, not because i really want it. Id never go back to workagain if i could cause i dont care, whst i really want is die because.... because i do.

This goes on for anything in my life. I want something t o SHOW im able to do/get it. Then its waste and i dont want/need it anymore. So the only thing left is death, but am i so sure that once dead i wouldnt want to go back to life? Just to SHOW i cab die or live at my wish? How can i go on living like this? Its torture, im.so tired. Anyone sees any other explaination or has any insight? PLEASE?

I'm not really qualified to give advice or say anything on IP experience, but I will say this sounds like a grass is always greener on the other side kind of thing and that's kinda normal. I definitely have been there actually, had those feelings. It's what you do with em that matters. Now you've had this experience and you can make it your goal to get well to stay out of IP if that's what you want. It sounds like you might need to talk about this a bit more in IP, in which case, make the most of your time there. Hang in there!